My Personal Essay (A Special Entry)

(Below is my essay for my college entrance test. I hope it would be good enough for whoever may read it)

“You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world... but you do have some say in who hurts you.” 

  Above is a quote is taken from a book written by one of my favorite authors, John Green. These words have been etched in mind ever since the day I read the quotation. It struck me that for so long, I had only agreed with the first half of the quotation, that getting hurt was inevitable and that there was point in escaping it. I felt that since pain was something constant, there was no choice but to accept that it exists and to avoid it conscientiously.

  Ever since I was a child, I was exposed to so much pressure, not only from my family but from my teachers and friends as well. Being a consistent honor student since 1st grade, there was very high expectation of me. Right from the start, I was raised to be a good leader and a model student. I was always given roles of responsibility and since I was both artistically and musically inclined, I was made to participate in various competitions too. Graduating grade school as the class valedictorian, I was content and my confidence was at an all time high. Little did I know that high school would not be as sweet. In my second year, I decided to transfer to Miriam College High School for a change of atmosphere. Everything went well in the first week; I was able to make new friends and I had no trouble of coping with the new lessons. In the second week, things took as turn for the worse as I started to get bullied by, ironically, my previous classmates who had transferred to the same school. The bullying took a toll on me as I started to develop depression and would not attend class for fear of being ridiculed or slighted. I would end up getting sent home from panic attacks or hyperventilation. After three weeks, I transferred back to my old school, thinking I would finally be left at peace. Yet, those bullies did not leave me alone. They would come to my school, attempting to start fights or to poke fun at me. At the time, I no longer felt safe anywhere. This event lasted for more than four months and during that time, admittedly, I was in a very dark place.

   One day, decided that running away was doing no good. I finally decided to stand up for myself. It was definitely not easy, but after a while, I was finally left alone. That painful experience made me realize that our problems are only as big as we make them out to be. Getting hurt and all these struggles are indeed  irrevocable. It happens to all of us. Yet, we do have a choice whether we will succumb to it our not. I believe that  the hurdles in life have a purpose. They are lessons, something we must learn from in order to grow as people. Mistakes are to be made and risks are to be taken. Running from our problems will only get us so far, but at some point, we'll have to face them and decide whether you will allow them to hurt you. Happiness is a choice, something we all deserve if we would only let it into our lives.

  Today, I am still in the middle of knowing who I am and finding out what more life has to offer. I am in the process of learning and experiencing new things. Though I have come across a few bumps in the road, I stand with a more positive outlook in life and a strong will. I believe that we are all born for a purpose, to go and make a change, first within ourselves and then the world. I am eagerly awaiting more future endeavors and to achieve the goals I have set. I look forward to the last time I would be walking up that stage (hopefully as the class salutatorian), with a diploma in hand and being able to say to myself that I made it and that I accomplished something big.

  Whatever the future holds, I know that God has a plan for me. In the middle of adversities, I will keep my head held high knowing that there is nothing we cannot overcome. Every hardship we encounter but a mere chapter in our lives, and it too shall pass. A wise man once said, "We need not be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken". I would like to believe that that saying is something I will continue to live by.

The Fault In Our Stars...And The Rest Of The World

#NowPlaying: Distance by Christina Perri

Dear Friend,

  If you've read TFIOS or know the quote where the title came from, then it would explain a lot of what I am about to say. But if you haven't encountered the said quote, then here it is:

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings" 

-William Shakespeare

  Technically, that is true. But you know what, I'm pretty sure 'the stars' have to take blame for some of the shit that goes around in here. These stars have to have some control or point of authority in this world. Humans are kind of shitty. And we've established that we are nothing more than underlings. And so, if the 'stars' already know that we kind of suck at doing things properly, why can't they pitch it and kick us in the ass for doing a horrible job? Whatever.

  I've been thinking about a hell lot of things. There are so many unfortunate things that have happened this week. I guess the one that has affected me the most, and I'm sure most of you (especially if you're a Gleek) know this already. But if you don't, then one of the most talented people I know just passed away recently. If you don't know who Cory Monthieth is, then let me tell you that he is one of the most talented and genuinely real and kind people I've come to adore. When his hit TV show, Glee, had just began to take off, I was reluctant to watch it (labeling it as another cliche TV show). But Cory changed my mind. When I heard him singing "Can't Fight This Feeling", I was changed. I started habitually watching the show, and from that moment on, I learned and absorbed so many things. I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for that show. And I owe that man a great deal for that.

  Also, I wish that genuinely good people didn't have to suffer so much in this world. Those people who think of others before themselves, they deserve one hell of an award. Some people, although they don't seem like it, are actually good people. And vice-versa. Bad people exist. And sometimes, the devil takes the same of something beautiful.

  Anyway, as I said. Our 'stars' suck. But me, being human, I also suck at mortality. I guess you can say that I'm just really angry at the world right now.

  Excuse me, I have to get my shit together and write a decent essay.

  Sorry.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

My Way Out of The Labyrinth (Late Post)

#Now Playing: Best I've Ever Had- Vertical Horizon

Dear Friend,

  June went by really fast for me. Although I had my fair share of mishaps and teenage crisis episodes, it was so fast-paced. It's crazy how time flies and before you know it, everything is over. Hours to days to months to years. It's amazing. Sometimes we get too caught up in a specific moment that me forget to move on when, unknown to us, life moves on on its own. What I'm trying to say is everything happens, but no specific event happens forever. We live and move on. We're all trying to find out way out of the labyrinth ('Looking For Alaska' reference there). Some of us are lucky enough to make it out while others get swallowed in and just stay idly in one corner forever, never finding progress. I'm still finding my way out. Sometimes I make progress, and sometimes I end up back at the same place I was not too long ago. But I'm gonna get out, someday.

  I was reading a poem called Desiderata today. I guess it actually gave me a minute of self- reflection. Who am I? What is my purpose in life? I'm living in this world, alive and breathing, not knowing what I was set out to do. Then it hits me. I was born to live my life. To benefit from the world and let it benefit from me. To go on, be human. Make mistakes. To learn, and laugh and build relationships. To be happy and sad and feel all the vibrant emotions that come with being human. Everything. I have to accept that I'm human. And no extraordinary life experience will make you particularly special in this world.

 Just a thought.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Radiate Happiness

#NowPlaying: Thinking About You by Frank Ocean

Dear Friend,

  I know, I know. I've neglected you for quite some time now Feel free to kick me in the ass, or in any part of my face for that matter.Lately, there isn't much to say. I've been better and things have been looking up. I've been so busy with school and project and other life situations that I've kind of led a boring life. But, really, I'm feeling positive. It's been two weeks since I've had and 'incident' and from time to time, I still get those minor panic attacks. But I've kept them at bay and I'm trying to actually live a good life.

  So, anyway, I was supposed to have updated you last week but I forgot to publish it. Sorry.

  Bear in mind, today was a hectic day. I almost got killed because our car got thrashed by a truck from the backside and conveniently, I was seated in the back. Hooray. Obviously, I'm still alive. So while the police was settling the whole shenanigan, I just bought myself ice cream. Think positive right? Well, fuck my life. When I got home, I had to open the front gate to get to the door. And since misfortune digs me so much, my iTouch just had to drop to the cold, hard ground. Boom. Crack. Oh yeah, my day has grown into a field of daisies. But y'know, I'm not too depressed about it (just a little. A lot).

 But you know that quote "We accept the love we think we deserve". I think we also "accept the happiness we think we deserve". We can chose to be happy. I don't know, food for thought I guess. I want to know what it's like to be cheery and happy again. I think I deserve that much.

  So what have I been doing for the past few days? Eating a monster of a burger called 'The Stonecold Stunner' (courtesy of Zark's), messing around with Adobe Photoshop, sleeping way too early and enjoying it, watching basketball games with an enormous amount of school spirit, and well, wearing the sweater of a certain someone who I kinda sorta like. All these little things are what makes life pretty darn awesome. For me at least, being a self-admitted elitist and materialistic person, I'm pretty happy that such simple things could make my day. I'm not the same old whiny brat I once was. I've evolved. It's a good kind of change.

  Anyway, I'll talk to you later. I missed you, by the way.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Strangers We Are

W#NowPlaying: Young Blood by The Naked and Famous

Dear Friend,

  I'll say this upfront: I've probably had one of the shittiest months in the span of my whole existence. If you haven't already noticed, I've had so much stress than you could ever imagine. Class elections are coming up and I'm making sure to steer clear from that. I so don't need more crap in my life. My goal is to graduate and pass my dream school-- not end up as a fucking carcass halfway through senior year. To be honest, I'm so eager to head to college. I can't even count how many times I've said this, but I'm guessing it's a lot. I'm absolutely terrified, but I know for sure it will be so much better than this hell called high school.

  Although this may sound absurd, I'm am motivated and inspired by strangers. Yes, complete strangers. I know this sounds super weird, but I'm the type of person who goes looking for things/people on the internet and and up finding something more than I came to look for. In layman's terms, I'm kind of stalker-ish. Not the whole 'follow you everywhere you go' type, that's psycho. I just find interest in other people's life so much more than mine. I like knowing about people and the epitome of their existence. It feels like reading a character off a book, except they're real and they're alive. I may have probably freaked you out by now, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who is (what I would like to call) 'unreasonably curious'.

  So this week, I've come to roam once again around the interweb and found more people that kind of inspire me. The little facts I've come to know here and there, making up one coherent whole. It's glorious. There's this guy who I am kind of crushing on. I think he's pretty cool. Yes, I've been rushing on many guys (soccer-comic geek guy is still my number one) but I think this other guy is pretty neat! It's cool cause him and the soccer guy are good friends now. They're both college guys (which makes them pretty hot in my book) and  they just make me smile. I got to thinking that maybe someday, I'd meet people like them when my time comes. And since it's between you and me, I have to admit that one of the main reasons I'm excited for college is the unlimited amount of hot guys. Yeah, such a trivial thing.

  Also, I'm starting to figure out who I am, amidst all the inner turmoil I've been going through. I am a giver, at best. I never fail at trying to make people happy. I'm so concerned with pleasing other people who don't give two shits. But I do it anyway because I care too much. I always try to be someone I'm not that it's hard to remember who I was before my inward apocalypse. But slowly, my walls are falling and I'm letting them down for a reason. I'm starting to let the light in. And although it burns my eyes at first sight, I can feel the warmth the radiates from it. I've found so many things I'm passionate about. I've set my goals and my dreams and it feels wonderful.

  Strangers we are, dear friend. We are all strangers to each other, sometimes even to ourselves. But at some point we open up and let people in our lives. It feels scary at first, but then everything is okay again and you finally feel happy.

  I hope you find the perfect strangers who'd help you open your eyes too.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Inner Demons

#NowPlaying: Demons by Imagine Dragons (one of my all-time favorite songs)

Dear Friend,

  Before I start babbling on and on about what this past week has been, I'd like to apologize for the 'somewhat--hiatus' that I have been on (there is probably no one left reading these letters).I blame laziness and the lack or internet connection for this, mostly the laziness. I probably said in a handful of letters ago that I have had nothing occurring in my life that is worth even mentioning. Well, guess what. Be careful what you wish for. Within the start of this week, I've had one of the 'highest-lows' in the history of being me. I've had my unfair share of bad days, but last Tuesday just made it into the 'Hall of Infamy of Shitty Days'. Yes sir, it was that bad. As much as I hate reliving or even as much as recalling these days, it is permanently inked into my brain so I might as well let out my thoughts about it.

  If I haven't told you yet, I suffer from awful panic attacks. Not the kind where you go heinous and just randomly pass out. Though very similar to it, my panic attacks are extremely bothersome and well, let's just say it is equivalent to two hours (at the least) worth of crying, shaking and wailing. The worst was when I had to lock myself in a legit closet because (a) I'm somewhat claustrophobic, (b) I couldn't bear to see anyone at that time and (c) it was the only place I felt safe. Kind of crazy, right? Well, yeah. I've had these panic attacks more often. They used to happen every once in awhile, but lately my emotions have gone haywire and of the roof. So yeah.

  I had one last Monday night (complete with scars and everything, if you know what I mean) and another on Tuesday morning. Prior to my breakdown, I was already partially upset and I had over-dosed myself with pills (don't dare do this, kids) and had scars decorating my left wrist. Oh you can imagine the joy in my life *insert sarcastic laugh here*. I had two triggers for that day, one was the absolute annoyance that is him and second was the realization that someone saw through my crumbling walls.

  To cut the story short, I stayed in the guidance office for the whole day, I was miserable, sobbing uncontrollably and I was pretty druggy. After a days worth of talking to my counselor, I can tell you that I've learned so much from her and that I've come to terms with some of my inner demons.

  I guess the most relevant thing I've learned is that I have this fear of being loved (having people care for me) and also a fear of getting attached to people. I have major trust issues. I don't like people seeing me at my lowest points and I never let them close enough. Maybe it was because I have let so many people in who have left me with scars that I was tired. I was terrified of that last part of me being so vulnerable. I was closed off. I refused to feel the things I do, all the sadness and hate. I pretended that everything was okay. but it wasn't. But, it's something I'll have to face soon. People will bend and break you, but it's up to you if you want to remain broken.

  So here's the moral of this story: Acknowledge the things that hurt you. All your demons, weaknesses and shortcomings. All of that. I saw an inspirational tweet today that said: "Believe you can and you're halfway there" (Thank you, Alfie Deyes!). I think that's a good way to start that change. I know for me, isn't going to be easy, but if I want to be happy, I have to help myself and let the happiness in. I also realized how many people actually care about me, even those people I least expected to give a shit. I was overwhelmed with the amout of love and concern people showed me during that day and the following days. Maybe letting people in isn't such a bad thing. At that, I guess I'm alright. Not exactly happy, but not exactly sad at the moment. I guess that's better than nothing

  By the way, I've been really hung up on comic books lately. They're what keeps me going... and also the soccer-comic geek guy that I really like. *insert super blush face here*. What's life without a little inspiration, right?

Love Always,
Yasmeen

The Balancing Act

#NowPlaying: Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift

Dear Friend,

  So yesterday was quite a whirlwind. Until now, I'm still trying to fathom all that had happened. So I went to a friend's house for an afternoon snack, *cough*cookies*cough, and went to the basketball court to see my friends and then it rained. Not just any kind of rain. It was a freakin monster of a storm. No umbrella or amount of shielding had worked. We were all drenched and battered. We found sanctuary in our friend's house where we were lent clothes and towels , eventually, my friends hitched a ride with me so they could go back to school. That's pretty much a brief summary of that hectic day aka yesterday. But besides the experience of getting soaked in the rain with seven awesome people, it was the feelings harbored and accompanying that moment that made that day a whirlwind.

  I guess I should start by saying that I've been my most conflicted self lately. This might seem a bit odd, but I'm not so happy that I'm happy. You're probably thinking, 'What the actual fuck is this girl saying? Who doesn't want to be happy?'. In this case, I guess, it's me. I can't explain in detail all the things I'm feeling right now, but they've grown deeper than I had expected. I'm literally shaking and tearing up right now because of all the confusion in my head. It feels like a war between my heart and my head, emotions versus better judgement. I'm about to burst and it's only 10 am. And you don't know how much I hate myself right now.

  I'm getting sidetracked again, so I'll just say my piece.

  These past few days have been the best. They've been wonderful, actually. But somewhere in between the laughs and the silly little conversations, I started to feel differently. With every smile makes, I find myself
dumbfounded and stumped. When he said he loved being the first to speak to me, or how he'd put others before himself. His random acts of kindness. That little skip my heart makes and the fact that I can't stop smiling as we speak, I hate all of it. Because I know I shouldn't be feeling any of it. I promised myself I wouldn't go down the road of false pretenses again. And you have no idea how hard I'm trying to fight it off. Then there he is, all perfect an charming and wonderful. All that a girl could ever want and more, but you know you can't fall in love with him because he's way out of your league. And then here I am, head vs heart. I try to keep a straight face and keep my feelings at bay... and then my heart goes and make me do crazy things. People do crazy things well their in love, they say. But sadly, I don't need to be. Being me is reckless enough.

  And you know, that's only part one of the said dilemma. I think I might be harboring feelings for another person as well. He may or may not know this, but I've been in and out of love with him for the longest time. I don't know if he's figured it out yet, but I'm trying so hard to make him see how much I still care about him. I aimed it to be in a friendly way, but it's morphed itself into something more...Ugh. This is where it being human and having human feelings suck big time. Just when you think you're okay, boom. Emotions kick in.
 
  It's a balancing act, my friend. It's where you try to balance friendship and emotions and everything else. The man up in the sky has really been resting me. Sigh.

  And I guess, I'll do what I do best: evading. This is the worst solution, but I'm that type of sucker who loves to run away from problems like hell.

  Good night. You'll be hearing more conflicted thoughts soon...


Love Always,
Yasmeen