Dear Friend,
Before someone finds me here in my secret hideaway here in the darkness, aka my unlit balcony, I thought I should write to you. So far, I'm on my road to saying goodbye. 17 days and counting. Sigh, yeah. Yet, I still have no clue how to actually say goodbye when the time comes. It seems like I haven't even established with myself that he's going to be gone soon. And that no matter how much I pretend like he's not, he is. He's leaving and I only have a few more days 'til I have to face the truth. It stings, and it burns to even think of letting go. But it's true, what they say: "When you love someone, let them go". I don't want to think of the other half of that quote ("if they return, they're forever yours") because I'll only torture myself with that sad fact that he will, in fact, never return. But I know for one that I love him, it's a crazy kind of love. The love that grows from one-sided admiration, finding the smallest things about him and thinking "This is why I fell in love with him", the kind of love that hurts, but you don't mind it hurting because the happiness you feel overcomes all the pain. I do, I do love him. More that I have ever loved anyone else. And that's why I have to let him go. Because he just means that much to me.
But...how do you say goodbye to someone who's made such a different in your life? I've grown so used to goodbyes, trust me. But I can never really be prepared for it, no matter how many times I experience it. So how much more if I was to say goodbye to...him? I've already thought of a way to say goodbye to my friend (who's like a brother to me) by writing him a super long letter (like how I do to you, dear friend) and by writing him a song. Yes, I'm sentimental that way. I just...don't like being forgotten. I hate being forgotten. Because I never forget people, no matter how small or big a difference they make in my life. I never forget them, even if it would be easier for me if I did...
Would it even matter to him? Do I even matter? Because it sucks and it feels shitty, not knowing what's on his mind or what he thinks. It hurts. A lot. Doesn't that matter?! Sigh. But then I remind myself why I'm still typing, friend. Because just like writing to you, loving him makes me happy. That's the whole point of this all. Being happy. Regardless of how he feels. Sure, I wish somehow he cared. And sure I wish I had the guts to talk to him, of even smile at him (which I have no courage whatsoever to do because I'm a loser). And maybe being this kind of loser it better for me, because maybe then he wouldn't notice how hard I'm trying. How hard I'm try to hold back how I feel.
So what now? I honestly don't know. I still haven't had a clue what to do. Unfortunately for me, I can't write a giant goodbye in the quad as I wanted too. Fuck you, disciplinary actions. So what can I do? Hopefully, I'll figure it out. There's some part of me that wavers whether or not to say goodbye at all. But I know, for sure, I will regret it if I don't. Who knows what kind of crazy things I will do, but what ever it is, I truly do hope it will be the craziest I will do. Because according to Meg from the Disney movie, Hercules: "People do crazy things when they're in love". That's why I guess I'll end up doing the most outrageous shit I'll ever do. Hopefully.
Goodnight, dear friend, and I hope you sleep well. Thank you, as always.
Love Always,
Yasmeen
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