Forever and A Miracle

#NowPlaying: Between Us by Peter Bradley Adams

Dear Friend,

  I don't really know what to say. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life. All I've been doing is listening to sad love songs and taking out my sadness through art. This sucks for me because I might have lost the art I've been working on this week. Trust me, when it's about art, then it's a big deal because my life practically revolves around art, in all it's forms.But instead of dousing myself with alcohol like I usually do when I am frustrated, angry or lonely (which I am now), I'm just going to pour my heart writing to you. Because you listen, and you understand and you're you.

  Sometimes I wonder if I still remember what love feels like. Saying it sound ridiculous after talking about love and happiness and all that shit those past times. It's just, I don't know. Why is it so hard to feel something for someone? Why does it have to be so... lonely? Unrequited love is never easy. So why do I choose to put up with it instead of walking away like it never happened? It would be so much better for me. I hate this feeling of falling in love with someone. I know I might regret saying this, but I wish I had fallen in love with a different person. But then it wouldn't be love, because it isn't him. It just wouldn't be the same.

  When I think of him, I think of happiness. The kind of happiness that makes you feel infinite and alive. When I feel lonely, I think of his smile, his laugh. And suddenly, I don't feel so lonely anymore.When I feel lost and alone, I remember the feeling of holding his hand, not wanting to let go. And that makes everything okay again. He's the reason for all these smiles, the reason why I still have an ounce of hope in me.That's why I hate him. I hate that it had to be him who makes me feel all these things, this kind of happiness. I hate that he's the last thing I think of at night before going to bed. I hate that my favorite star in the sky is named after him. I hate that I can't think of love the same way again. I hate that I can't stand to lose him even if I know I will. I hate him. Because he doesn't know and it doesn't matter to him. I'll always be that shy girl who could barely look at him, who tries to avoid him but fails, who he was forced to dance with, and who was hopelessly crushing on him.

  But he'll always be that boy who showed me what happiness was, the kind worth waiting for. He'll always be that boy who makes me smile just by seeing him, who makes me laugh with his adorable accent and facial expressions and his way beyond hilariously adorable Instagram posts (erm, hashtag). He's the boy that would look perfect in my eyes no matter what and whose hipster attitude just made me love him more. He's that boy that fills me with butterflies just by hearing his name, who makes my heart skip a beat when he walks by. There will always be that special thing that separates him from the others whom I claimed to love. Maybe that 'special thing' is that I actually feel the foreverness of love with him, that my love for him will never change. Not that I'm saying that he'll be the only person I'll ever love this way. But he is and always will be the boy with the beautiful smile, he will always have a special place in my heart that only he can claim. He will always be infinite.

  Someday, I know I'll find somebody else. But when I look back, twenty or even fifty years from now, I'll still remember him. I'll smile and maybe even shed a tear and probably wonder where he is, if he's doing fine. I'll imagine what he looks like, if  he still loves the same things he did before. I'll remember every single memory hidden away in my own treasure box, from that time I first saw him to to the time I say goodbye. And I know I'll think to myself a thousand times if I've ever crossed his mind, even just for a second. And I won't have regrets or wonder why I ever fell in love with him. Because I know. I know every single reason why I fell for him, even down to the smallest thing. I would always remember. Because he is love and he is happiness... He. Is. Forever.

My forever. My miracle.

"Our love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I can feel it..." - A Walk to Remember

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Out Of My Mind

#NowPlaying: Talking To The Moon by Bruno Mars

Dear Friend,

  After a days worth of stress and cramming for exams, I've finally lost it. Actually, I should study again because I barely touched my World History book. My living room looks like it has been ransacked by coyotes and my body is aching so bad. Though, I do admit, instead of studying I went on to sketch something and I went out yesterday just to play NBA2K13 with my friends. I'll be surprised if I even pass the exams tomorrow. But as I said, I think I've finally lost it.

  After listening to sad Bruno Mars songs for the past three days, plus an overdose of cheesecake and gin, I've come to realize that I might be somewhat crazy. Like, literally crazy. I'm at a point where I find myself talking to the moon (as the song above suggests) and wanting to shoot myself several times. Both literally and figuratively. I'm not suicidal or anything. Not anymore, at least. But maybe I'm on my way to becoming an alcoholic or something, who knows. I wish I knew what was bothering me so much. But I think I already know the answer to that...it's kinda pretty obvious. If my friends, if I still had any, were to find out how messed up it am then-- wait-- meh, they won't care. I'm speaking now in my slightly bipolar, indifferent self. I guess it's more like an alter-ego. Because every time I talk like this, most of the time, I have no memory of the things I say.

  Anyway, I find it funny how I was talking to this star a while ago. Now before you go and assume I'm mental or something, hear me out. There's this specific star in the sky, the one that always shines the brightest, to whom I've been confiding these past two days. It never talks back, but somehow I feel like it listens and it understands. You know how you have that old teddy bear  or whatever it is that you talk to when you have no one else to go to? Well, that's like my star. That star has a name, but if someone who knew me were to be reading this, then I'd be screwed. So it's best not to disclose it. That star just sits there and watches over, and no matter where I go, even in the day time, I know it's there. Sometimes, I feel as if someone's on the other side, staring back at the star as well. But maybe it's just me. I'll just choose to believe there is, in fact, someone on the other side.

Here's my favorite lyrics from the song:

At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself talking to the moon.

Trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too.

Or Am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?

  Maybe tomorrow, I'll actually be caught up in exams this time. I'll pretty much be cramming the whole morning. But for now, I'm a bit wasted. And sleepless. Tomorrow, I'll see my personified star again, and maybe that will make things better. He usually does. I hurts a little bit inside when we walk past each other as  if these past two months meant nothing at all. It hurts to think that he'll easily forget. But I know that somehow, in whatever way, what happened between us meant something to him. Maybe just not in the same way. But no matter what happens, I'll always have my star. Nothing can change that.


  I really am sorry for talking in poetic bullshit. It would be much easier to understand me if you were able to read my mind. Then again, if you did, then you might be scared for life. There will  come a time where I'll be able to explain everything. Just you wait.

  Also, just so you know, you, yes, you dear friend, mean so much to me. Thank you for putting up with all the crap I've been writing to you. It's hard to find someone to talk to these days... thanks again.

  Take care. 'Til next time...

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Lost (I should be, but I'm not)

#NowPlaying: Somebody's Heartbreak by Hunter Hayes // Nepal By San Cisco

Dear Friend,

  It's another weekend, technically. It's 'exam week' next week, and I should be studying. But I'm not. Instead, I'm here drinking tea and aggravatingly waiting for anyone reply to my text, asking if they wanna have lunch. Something tells me this isn't going to be a productive day at all. Having too much on my mind and nothing to do doesn't sit well with me. Sigh. 8:06 am. Still no reply. This is killing me.

  While I wait for people to actually wake up around here, I guess I should entertain myself by letting out some things of my mind...

  I've been told that I've been acting strange lately. Maybe it's from the fatigue and lack of patience I've had with people. Plus, the fact that I've been rushing deadlines this week with no help at all from the people that should be helping me. But they did not. Truth be told, I have  been feeling strange lately. I'm not really myself. I thought for sure that I'd be back to the old be once I got enough sleep. But that didn't help. It feel like something sucked the life out of me. Whatever. Maybe next week, things would be back to normal. I'll get to see my star again.

  Also, I don' t like the feeling of pretending. Like most people, I hate pretending that I'm okay when I'm not. It's been a while since I last cried in public, but something in me just triggered it the other day. I have no idea what was happening to me. When have I been so vulnerable?

  As I'm writing this, I'm not feeling like myself. Usually, I write with vibe and emotion. But I'm just kind of indifferent, with a bit of realization. I should be happy. But I'm not. I should be feeling something. But I'm not. I should be feeling love. But... I can't say I'm not. Because I am and it hurts and it's scares me. It's scares me that I'll spend the rest of my life searching for that boy who I may never see again. It scares me that to think I might go back to how I used to be. Lost. I'm lost.

  Sigh.

  There it is, a  spark of emotion. I know most of the things I say don't make sense. I speak in riddles and am partly bipolar. Sometimes, I don't even understand myself. Most people don't.

Thank you, dear friend, for reading this short, but confusing journal entry. I promise, I'll avoid doing this again.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Pursuit of Happiness

#NowPlaying: Crazy For This Girl by Evan and Jaron

Dear Friend, 

   This last weekend was spent watching romance movies, reviving for a long case of 'artist's block', dealing with frustrating school projects and importing a lot more indie music onto my iTunes library. It sounds kind of boring, right? Well, it was. But I realized something after watching this movie which, ironically, reminded me of some aspects of my own story. Admittedly, that movie made me tear up a little bit (okay, a lotta bit). Maybe it's because it made me hopeful that one day, I'd have my own happy ending as well. I'm not sure if I will get that happy ending. But at least, for now, I got the'happy' part down.... Let me explain.

  Last year was really though for me. I made so many mistakes, got hurt over and over again, cried tears that could fill ocean and almost gave up on, well, everything. I was a mess. I found myself wishing for happiness, almost assured that it would never come my way. I wish I could tell my old self to have a little faith. And that those dark day will soon pass. Because I can honestly say, my life has turned around...a lot faster than I had expected...

  There comes a time when someone comes into your life and changes you forever. I'd like to believe that I've actually found that person. It took me sometime to realize, but he was there all along. I guess, I just wasn't looking in the right direction. They say love can change a person monumentally, that once you've experience that special kind of love, you see things in a whole different light . And I have reason to believe that I, in fact, have been changed. This is the first time I felt so...happy.

  Some part of me feels silly for saying all these things. I knew, of course, that all my feelings were one-sided. And that speaking when you're too happy (or angry) isn't really a good idea. But this time, I'll give myself a break. In a few weeks, I know somehow I'll feel the opposite of how I do now. The aching pain of parting ways. It's not like I didn't expect this though, I knew it from the very start: what I got myself into..

  I wish I could go back in time and take pictures of all the beautiful (and maybe, even the not so beautiful) moments in my life, keep them in a box and preserve them forever.That box would be filled with so many memorable photos:

  Like those days in middle school where me and my friends would climb up to the 4th floor of the school building just to hang out, enjoy the breeze and check up on a certain half-French, talented boy who would spend his days sleeping in History class. A lot of memories were spent on that 4th floor, both good and bad. But when I myself graduate, that would be one of the places I would visit before I leave...just to relive the moments.

  Also, my first year in high school. You know how when you enter high school, you tend to feel so grown up? I once felt that way, but I didn't take long before I realized that there is still a long road ahead. And these years will pass by, they too will come to an end. Just like seasons changing. But as much as we've all said the famous line, "High school sucks!", I know that one day there will come a time where I will find myself saying: "I wish I could go back to high school...". I can't say high school was the best years in my life, but it sure was the most memorable so far. It kind of just... made me into a better person.

  That day in July of 2011 as well. That day when I came so close to telling a friend of mine how I felt about him. I've liked him for so long, and even now, sometimes I still find myself smiling from seeing him. I've always wondered what would happen if I did tell him. But I'm pretty glad I didn't. Because our friendship mattered more to me, and things were better this way.I learned to value friendships a lot more and how to sacrifice my happiness for others. Though, I can say I might have been sacrificing too much of my happiness (thus, I am often called 'too nice'. And for some reason, I still somehow find it as a compliment. But it's not)

  One of the most important events in my life thus far would have to be falling in love with Raf.  Playing secret admirer was probably one of the funnest things I've done. And I'm pretty sure he now has diabetes from all the chocolate I've given him. Trust me, it was a lot. I did really love Raf. He was one of the few people I've ever truly loved. Though, this story didn't end well. And it also took the most time to heal. But even if I did get hurt badly and I had given up on the thought of ever loving again, loving him taught me something. I learned that happy endings don't always come the way you expect them to. Sometimes you have go through pain to feel joy... and that good things come to those who wait.

  Now I'm here. And for the first time, I can assuredly say that I am happy. Even if I know this isn't going to last long, but that's why I'll savor the moment. When he leaves, I'll miss him. More than I could ever imagine. But that's okay, because I'll always remember. When I think of him, I am reminded of what happiness feels like. Who knows? Maybe one day, someone could live up to the happiness he brings. Just maybe...

Love Always, 
Yasmeen

Thoughts On: Friendships and Love

#NowPlaying: Awkward by San Cisco

Dear Friend,

  Lately, I've been seeing friendships fall to pieces. Some grow distant and others are taken for granted. It's hard keeping friendships alive. But if there is one thing I've learned, it's that friends are the most valuable people you'll ever have. They're the people who'll catch you when you fall, make you smile when you're down and be by your side through anything. I'm happy to have friends like that. But still, I'm struggling to find someone who fits the title of 'best friend'. It's like a sacred title, y'know. To me, best friends are the ones who'll never ever leave or replace you; who'll never judge you and will always accept you. It seems like a high standard but it's really not.

   With what is going on right now, the word 'friend' seems so under-rated.How can you call someone a friend if they only come to you when they need something or for instance, a bad break up? Or when you're the only one making an effort to spend time with them? Or how it's as if you don't exist anymore once a friend gets in to a relationship? Sigh. Let's face it, we've all gone through these instances and many more that make you question: "Are we really friends?". Sometimes, it gets tiring, trying to convince yourself that the friendship is still alive. Sometimes, you just have to accept that things change and people do too. Friendships grow apart, and we can't always be the ones running after people. I gave up on trying to chase these people as well. It's not because I don't want these people on my life. It's just that it's a situation where it was like I was hanging by a thread, not being able to hold on any longer. So, dear friend, to make things easy, my very own definition of the word-- "Friends": You're gonna miss them when they're gone.

  Anyway, I'm not writing this because I'm sad. Not at all. It's just that recently I've learned to filter out people in to two categories: the ones worth it and the ones who aren't. It's easier that way. In a way, I'm actually happy that I can see myself progressing and growing...

  Also, friend, I've had thoughts about love. Not my kind, though, other people's kind. My kind is a bit different. Being a a hopeless romantic and all, I can't help but have my own perception of other people's kind of love.First of all, what exactly is 'love'? I don't know if you'd agree with me, but 'love' is quite over-used, sometimes to the point where it loses its meaning. It's a shame because love is something beautiful and special. But now it is as if it's just another word. By dictionary definition, love means: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. While that is true, I believe that people often mistake love for pure obsessive infatuation. More often than not, this happens it high school-- the place where people claim to be 'in love' but really, they're just infatuated with the amount of gratification, attention and feeling of self-importance they receive. It's selfish.
And I quote this from an article I found:

"Infatuation is all about the moment, about attraction and desire. It's about wanting immediate gratification and sometimes pain. Love is about the future and security. Love is about happiness. 

"When you are obsessed with someone, you are equal parts desire and fear. You want them, but fear you might lose them. Or fear they might disappoint. You fear a lot of things. With love, you have no fear of anything, because you're secure in the arms of the one you love."

(you can check out the rest of the article here. It's all about the difference between love and infatuation)

 Anyway, it kind of makes me sick to see how people can spew out the word 'love' so easily.Sometimes I feel like shooting these people with water balloons and cursing at their faces. But that would be social unacceptable. Besides, high school is loaded with narcissistic people...

  Even if I'm here writing about a high schooler's perception of 'love', that doesn't mean I've never seen 'true love' happen in high school. Well, true love in the sense that it is actual love rather than its twin, infatuation. I have seen people actually in love and it makes me smile. It's rare to see people like that in high school these days. Though I only know a handful of couples actually in love (most, if not all, are about a year older than me), I still find it inspiring. Sigh.

  As for me, I've experience both love and infatuation. Or at least, I'd like to think I have. Infatuation more often than love. But nonetheless, I'm pleased. Love is indeed a wonderful feeling. I wouldn't want to biased, but I think this time around, I'm growing in love. The same kind of self-less, butterfly-filled, magical, heart-racing, happy kind of love. Because love is happy. And, in all honesty, I've never been as happy as I am now. Only time will tell how long this happiness lasts...

  But until then, I'll just stay this way-- in absolute bliss.

Love Always,
Yasmeen
  

The Rhythm of Love

#NowPlaying: A Thousand Years- Christina Perri

Dear Friend, 

  Today, I write to you with an empty wallet, hurting cheeks and a smile that never stops reappearing on my face. I guess you can say that Valentines went a little better than I expected it to. I know, I know. I was cynical about the whole Valentines Day tradition a few hours ago. Let me explain.

  Let me start of by saying that I was extremely pleased with the outcome of my Single Awareness Day project. I secretly planted those roses, chocolates and letters in everyone's desk early in the morning. It's hard being inconspicuous y'know. So when everyone came up to see the things on their desk, it made me smile. Sadly, everyone figured out it was me. But it was alright. I was really I got to make people smile today. That's what counts! I will tell you that I didn't receive anything though, but that's cool. Making people happy makes me happy. I like the feeling when people hug me when they thank me too. Hugs are amazing. They make me feel special every time.

(Playing 'secret valentine' with these roses! )

  Alright, remember how I was going on and on about how Valentines Day was stupid? Well, I kind of proved myself wrong today. This was the first time in four years that I had celebrated Valentines Day. Up to this moment, my cheeks still hurt from too much smiling.This is the first time this ever happened. Maybe because the person who caused it is very special to me...

  I started off this day not really knowing I'd actually end up giving him a Valentine's gift. Sure, I had a rose, a pack of chocolate and a card in hand. But I knew myself all too well, I didn't have the guts to do such a thing. Sigh. As I told you, the guy I like has as much emotion as a rock. So I expected him to dismiss the thought of Valentines because it was too 'mainstream'.Oh, hipsters! And I was pacing back and forth between avoiding him and...not avoiding him. As if he could tell the difference, right? So there I was, gloomy and torpe.

  But with a little push (okay, a lot of push) from my friends, I was able to give him that Valentine's gift. It find it heart-warming how everyone was cheering me on. Teachers, friends, they were all so supportive and were even willing to help me out. That was one of the highlights of the day. But I had to do this face-to-face. Also,  I was told (repetitively and amusingly) to 'follow my heart' and 'not to care what others think'. And I'm glad I did. I really am.

  With a little help from one of my friends, she found him so I was going to be able to give my gift. As I was walking down the stairs, heart beating fast and finding it hard to walk from the butterflies fluttering in my stomach, I was nervous as hell. To my surprise, he was already there waiting. Asdfghjkl. 'Wait! No! I'm not ready! Noooooo!' was pretty much the reaction going on inside my head. But he was there, and he was with a smile. That's all I need to know. That was all that mattered. It was there, standing flustered as I was when he was around. At first he was kind of surprised that I had gotten him quite a lot of stuff. Yes, I went all out for Valentines. Shyly, I said "Happy Valentines Day" to him and handed him the gift. He thanked me and told me that he really appreciates it. You can just imagine the huge smile on my face as I was staring at him.

  His smile, though. How could something so perfect be even more perfect than what it already is? It was the first time I, or anyone else, had seen him smile like that. And that, my dear friend, is what made it the best part. I was able to make him smile like that. That rare smile he barely shows. I'll treasure it forever. I know I might not be able to face him for quite some time again,  cause I'm about as shy as you can get. But I'm fine. I was once again on Cloud 9, and I might be up here for a while. I was also happy that I got to tell him that his smiles make my day. Because if it wasn't for that boy with a beautiful smile, my world would have been a lot grayer and duller than it is...

  I could go on and on in better detail over what happened, but that would take to much time. Also, a certain someone, as usual, puts a downer to the most infinite moments in my life. But you know what, today, I don't really care. Valentines is no time for bad vibes. It was my special day. And I wasn't going to let anyone rain on my parade....

   To end this fairly lengthy blog post, I wish you a very happy Valentines Day! I hope you had an amazing day, whether you be single or not. Just know that somewhere out there, someone is waiting to be your Valentine someday! :)

  Take care, friend.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Valentines Day or Singles' Awareness Day?

#NowPlaying: Only Love by Ben Howard

Dear Friend,

  Tomorrow is the day of the year where couples give each other presents, go on dates and get to be slightly happier than most single people all over the world. Yes, indeed, tomorrow is the most useless holiday ever-- Valentines Day.

  Now before you say something, let me tell you this: I am not bitter. I'm not bitter over the fact that my couple-friends are spending this day all romantic and stuff. I don't really care. Also, I have celebrated Valentines Day before. And it does feel great to show someone how much you do appreciate them. But honestly, this day just gives single people more reason to feel bad for, well, being single. So tomorrow I (or we, if you'd like to join me) shall celebrate a new holiday

  Introducing Singles Awareness Day! And no, this day is not for singles to feel sad about being...single. This is the day when single people get to feel special too. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm certainly not going to let this opportunity to make my single friends happy...

  Tomorrow I'll be everyone's Valentine! Sounds impossible, but I'll be like the Santa Clause of Valentine gifts. Roses, chocolates and letters galore! You'll see how it goes tomorrow, friend. Also, I've also helped out some friends with their Valentine gifts too. So I'm pretty excited to see what happens.

  Sigh. But even though I'm here writing about being happy and single, I wish I could give that 'special someone' a Valentines present. One problem though, and don't laugh when I tell you, but...he's way to hipster for Valentines Day.

  Yes, I just said that. And even if I too believe that Valentines is 'too mainstream', the hopeless romantic in me still finds a way to celebrate Valentines Day. But you see this guy I like isn't the romantic type. In fact he's just about as emotionless and a rock. Not kidding. It's also hard to tell what's on his mind most of the time. He's quiet and acts like he doesn't care sometimes. But nonetheless, I really like him. He kind of made me believe in love again. But he'll never know that...

  So if you, dear friend, feel as if you prince (or princess) is never gonna come, just be patient. Nothing worth it ever does come easy. Who knows, maybe you just haven't been looking in the right places. Or maybe you're prince is right around the corner looking for you as well. Don't give up on love (as I have before), someone special is waiting for you.

Thanks for listening. Talk to you soon!

Love Always, 
Yasmeen

Introduction

Dear Friend,
  
Before anything else, I guess I should say that I was inspired to write this blog out of pure boredom and lack of an outlet of expression. Because, let's face it: most of the time, if people we knew had known what was going on in our mind, we'd be screwed. At least, I would be.
So I'm here to let out my inner most thoughts (some rather personal), to figure out what life is all about and to journey the challenges of everyday life.

  Be forewarned, if you're reading this, this blog may contain sarcasm, blunt jokes, metaphors and poetic bullshit. Just thought I should let you know.
  
  Stick around and see what happens.

Love Always,
Yasmeen