Dear Friend,
It's me again. I swear, sometimes I don't know how you put up with me-- this hopeless, socially--awkward loser who can't even say how she feels without chickening out. Sigh. If I were you, I would have given up months ago. But yet, you're still here. And that means the world to me because, right now, I just want something that wouldn't leave. Because everything good in my life always finds its way out..... It always does.
Today made me realize how many chances I've wasted all this time. And that I can't waste anymore. All my life, I've wasted so much time on the wrong people (not that I wish I didn't, because those people taught me a lot). There were so many things I could have done if I only had the balls to do so. I know taking it out on myself won't really help but... sigh. I'm so stupid. Where are all these feelings coming from? Well, it's kind of a funny (and long) story...A friend of mine asked me why it took me so long to figure out my feelings for him; why, after three long years, is it now that I realize he's been the one all along-- just when he's about to leave. Why? That question really struck me. I asked myself that same question and came up with this answer.
"Maybe it was because I was too blind to see what has been in front of me all along-- the one person that does count"Then I found myself wishing I could have realized sooner. Now it's too late to go back because sooner or later I'dd have to face the inevitable end. All I had to do is make the best of the time left of me... Yeah, that's the best I could do.
Then my friend asked me what I would do after all of this ends, and what did I really want to get out of this. And well, that led to the debate of expectation, reality, and fantasy. I was in the middle of these three crossroads, slowing pacing back and forth from each. There is a fine line between these three, and if you're lucky, they could all meet to form one bright road. But that isn't always the case. It rarely is. But here's the case for me:
Expectation: By the end of this, I'll actually be able to say goodbye and tell him how I feel. He'll be happy and chill about it. We'll part ways and I'll be able to move on about it.Reality: He thinks I'm just this awkward loser who is head-over-heels for him. He probably doesn't even remember my name and just goes with the flow just to be nice. He would want to even hear a goodbye because it's not worth his time. He probably doesn't and will never care and won't mind not seeing my face ever again. Pssh, just another silly girl? Right?
Fantasy: Secretly, he actually does care. He may not feel the same way but he cares, and he's thankful and he appreciates. He'll remember my name and maybe even smile, remembering that girl who shyly gave him those chocolates and could barely even look at him. He would appreciate a goodbye because it would be the last time, it would be a final goodbye. And maybe then, he'd have something to remember her by.
That's pretty much what's going on in my head. Sigh. Which one ends up happening? I don't really know. I'll just have to wait and see, I guess. Or I might not ever know, only he will. But no matter what I do, I know I'd end up regretting it: whether I say goodbye or not. Regret, regret. Wasted chances always turn to regrets. I really just wish it was easier to like him, or that I wasn't such a coward. But maybe that it kind of a good thing. Because in the end, that's who I am: I'll always be the girl who'd like the guy from a far, do as many little things for him, completely not talk to him, and get hurt in the process. That's why I stopped believing that anything good could come out of love. Getting attached to someone always leaves me in a bad place at the end.
What sucks the most is the when I finally gave up on hoping, that's when the greatest thing happens to me. Just when I lost all hope in love, there me was. He turned my whole life around and gave me a new perspective. He gave me a new light, a new hope. Life is capable of so many beautiful things and he showed me that. He made me see again, even just for a quick period of time.
At the end of the day, when is it worth it to go through so much hell for someone? When it counts. When it means that much to you. When you know you're going to regret it if it never happened. He counts. And that's why I have to do it. No more wasted chances.
Wish me luck.
Love Always,
Yasmeen
At the end of the day, when is it worth it to go through so much hell for someone? When it counts. When it means that much to you. When you know you're going to regret it if it never happened. He counts. And that's why I have to do it. No more wasted chances.
Wish me luck.
Love Always,
Yasmeen
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