There's A Light That Never Goes Out

#NowPlaying: Kids by MGMT

Dear Friend, 

  Well, that's pretty much it. I think fate hates me and I might have just turned in to a walking dictionary. Of course, this wouldn't have happened if I didn't spend the last three days locked up in my room reading books all day. As for fate, well it always finds opportunities for me to screw up my healing emotional state. But, since I don't want to dwell on that, I'll sum it up quick-- I could have been stuck at a beach with him, but that would be awkward and painful. More or less on the painful. But yeah, no joke. So instead, I chose to spend my horrid weekend watching movies and reading books while I can since I have summer classes next week. Oh yay. Also, this supposed Holy Week has been anything but holy to me. I'll have to pray ten times over to make it up to 'The Big Man' for all the crap I did, but oh well. Morality aside.

  So, what productive things have I done for the duration of the week? Aside from the obvious answer of  "Nothing", I've been writing and reading and watching a lot of stuff...

  I've been so engrossed in "The Fault In Our Stars" that I decided to read "Looking For Alaska" and "An Abundance of Katherines" too. I swear, Mr. John Green's work just made me realize how unfair life can be and it's our job to accept it and just make the best of what we have. Because, seriously, there are a lot of fault in our stars that they don't take credit for. But, then again, they're fucking stars. There isn't much they do. So fuck you, stars, for having it easy. Anyways, reading his work inspired me exponentially and kinda made me think of going back to writing stories like I did before. Though, there is a problem since (a)I can never finish a story. The farthest I've gone was probably thirty pages and (b) I could never get my thought together to form a decent plot. The only rare times I did was when I wrote a story in 5th grade (which did earn me a couple thousand views and a couple of reviews. Pretty good, for a 5th grader, I guess) and when I wrote these things called 'fanfictions'. Oh the joys of the young mind.

  Let me tell you, sometimes it feels as if I'm a thirty-year old woman halving a mid-life crisis stuck in a teenager's body. Well, not really, but I guess you could call me as some sort of 'old soul' or something. I'd actually prefer to be that way. I just don't really get how it is to be a teenager sometimes. But, I can't say I don't enjoy being one. There are perks in being young at this point in time. There are way to many to mention, but my favorite is probably the access to internet and alcohol. Yeah. Anyway, I'll have time to tell you about those perks some other time.

  I've been watching movies too. So far, I've re-watched '500 Days of Summer' (for like, the fifth time). I've also got around to see 'Red Riding Hood' (I mainly watched this because of the dashing Max Irons. And I was pretty much satisfied how it went) and half of 'Across The Universe' ( I fell asleep, sadly). Hopefully, I'll get to watch more awesome movies before the week ends. There're a lot of good ones out this month, and I'm also hoping to see what Ms. Stephanie Meyer has in store in 'The Host' (once again, wanting to watch this movie because of Max. Don't ask why, he's just perfect, okay).

  Letting my teenage hormones slip for a while there. Anyway, I'm just drowning out my thought of Sir Walkaway (aka you know who) with music, movies and books... for now. But when Monday come, I know I'll be yearning to see him again. After all, one cannot unlove. It can only be suppressed.

  I'm sorry for boring you once again with excerpts from my life, dear friend. I'm sure your life is much more fascinating than mine.And, you probably have better things to do.

  I should get back to trying to write my new story. K. Bye.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

The Aftermath

#NowPlaying: Summertime by Selah Sue

Dear Friend,

  I know it's been a while since I last wrote to you. So far, this is the longest I've gone. It was a bit unfair of me, choosing to be selfish and trying to forget all that's happened within these past two weeks. Maybe, you've lost all confidence in me and sometimes I doubt you're still reading these letters, but okay. I don't really know where to begin, or what to say but here goes nothing. I owe you this much.

  Our goodbye was nothing short of awkward. It was the kind of awkward that hurts because you know it shouldn't have been that awkward. It was painful, very painful, to see it end that way. No special words, nothing to hold on to-- just him choosing to walk away without giving me proper closure.Sure, there was the usual 'thank you' and that 'see you later', but at that time, after everything, that just doesn't cut it. Dear friend, Stephan is not a boy with many words, or many actions either. But, there isn't anything I would've given for him to at least say something worth while in that short moment. I needed him to say or do something before he walked away. But, I guess he didn't care enough to do so. Though, I understand the circumstances he (or we) we're under, I couldn't blame him for being so restricted at that point. But dear God, didn't he even think of doing something, anything?! He just walked away, as if it didn't tear me to pieces! Sigh. Inhale. Exhale.

  So after that, I cried for more than four hours. And he (maybe) even caught a glimpse of me, when he passed by. But, of course, none of that mattered to him. I went home that night and listened to Asleep until both my tears and the music, indeed, put me to sleep. The rest of that week, it rained hard everyday-- until we saw each other again...

  It was a Monday. Technically, I wasn't supposed to be out that day, seeing as classes were over. But being at home did me not good. So, I had lunch in McDonald's and eventually found my way to school to visit my guidance counselor. I told her everything, as I do with when anything of mildly important happens in my life. That's when I saw him. As I was sitting there in the guidance office, he passed by and saw me. I saw him. We saw each other. You know how you feel as if time had stopped and your emotions were bursting through your chest and the words just couldn't escape you? You probably don't, but that's how I felt. Moments after, I had to go, and as I was leaving I saw him standing by the same brick wall when I first saw him. But I couldn't bare to look at him or even let him know that I know he was there. Because acknowledging his presence is to know and to remember, and that was exactly the opposite of what I had been trying to do. So instead, I walked away. Not that he would feel the same way as I did when he walked away from me.

  The next day, I saw him again. Although, I wish I didn't. Half-wished, in all honesty. And then, I did my best to ignore him even if my probably over-assuming teenage mind caught him (maybe) staring in my direction for more than seven times. And in the end, no progress what so ever. Oh how there were so many chances for him to say something, but he didn't. I knew he wouldn't, but of course, yet again, I was half-hoping. Maybe it's time for me to just stop chasing the stars and face the fact that I will forever live in earthly ridicule for I am but a lowly human, nothing more. And certainly not enough for the stars. Stephan, the boy I claim to love, is now living amidst those very stars, as he should.


  Note to self: Reading "The Fault In Our Stars" doesn't do me good. But neither does any other life-changing book that makes me realize that life is more complex than what I make it our to be in my already messed up state of mind. But I love it anyway, and I love complexity. For that same reason, is why I love Stephan.Okay, that was uncalled for. I'll stop now.

  Bye.

Love Always, 
Yasmeen

What I Learned: Making The Best Of Life

#NowPlaying: Never Let Me Go by Florence + The Machine

Dear Friend,

  Time seems so short doesn't it? I mean, it feels like yesterday, I was meeting these people for the first time, saying hellos and nice to meets yous-- and now, I'll be saying goodbyes and farewells. Sigh. When this all started, I didn't think I'd come to love these people so much. I guess that's the thing about life, you just never really know. I'm taking a break from writing letters (well, technically, I'm not since I'm writing to you) and taking the time out to reflect on everything that's happened to me, the journey with these important people in my life...

  I have these mottos: "Capture beautiful moments before they slip away" and "If they're worth it, feel free to go through hell and back". It simply means that one, never let anything wonderful slip away so easily. Don't wait until it's too late. Second, never regret going the extra mile for those who mean that much to you. If they're worth it, then do it. If you want something or someone in your life, don't wait for them to come around. Do something about it. Don't let selfish pride or half-ass 'I'm too scared to do it' stop you. Because not everything is going to work our way. Most of the time, it really doesn't. Not everything and everyone will work our way. So Carpe Deim (Seize the day) and take matters into your own hands. Though rather over used, the phrase speaks truth-- YOLO: You Only Live Once.

  That's how I make the best of my life. To tell the people I love how much they mean to me. By taking to opportunity to make every moment one worth remembering. Three people. That's all it took for me to realize how valuable the things we do in life are. How important people can be, and the role they play in our live are crucial to who and what we've become.

  Three people...

  Andre taught me to never be afraid to be who you are. To find the good it each and everything. He taught me to believe in myself and to not be scared to show people what you can do. That if you want something, you work for it. He inspires me to do so much more and to make the most out of everything in life. He is the living proof that a smile can change everything.

  Jin taught me what a good friend is, even if we haven't really talked much this year. She always had my back and was always there for me, even if she was a lot cooler than me and we didn't get to spend much time. She used to tell me that she didn't like seeing me cry and that she was always there when I needed her. She was always considerate about how I felt, and actually values friendships. She inspires me to not care what others say and to do what I love. For all the years I've known her, I'm so thankful that I have met someone like her. I will miss her more than ever...

  Then, there's Stephan-- the boy who to whom this blog is written about. Sweet Jesus, if he finds this, I'm screwed, but as I said, no regrets. I could go on and tell you everything about him, but I'll keep it at this. He taught me that taking chances pay off. That doing things for people who are worth it have great risks, but also very great rewards. To love without fear, to love without regrets. Now, I'm happy to know that there are people like him in the world, the people who actually appreciate, to once who make life beautiful. Seizing the day doesn't always end up how you want it, but it always leads you to the right places. I'm thankful to him, because me makes me smile and he gives me hope. He will always be that kind of special to me. Forever.


 Well, that's it for me. Graduation Day for these three tomorrow. I can't say I'm purely overjoyed with the thought of not seeing them ever again, but I'm just happy they were a part of my life. After all, "Don't be sad it's over. Smile because it happened" right?

  Never forget, the world is beautiful.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Tears Of Joy: The Boy Behind The Miracle

#NowPlaying: We Are In Love by Cider Sky

Dear Friend, 

  I don't know where to start. But this day washed away all my doubts and made me realize that loving him was definitely worth it. For all of those times I almost gave up, or felt like there was no use, today was my turning point. My slap to realization. This short, but meaningful chapter would be the type that I would remember through out the rest of  my life. That if it were put in to a book, it would be the chapter I would read over and over again. I guess I should explain the sudden change of aura.

  I just found out today that he wants to give me something before he leaves, for all the things I've given him in return. Apparently, I'm nice, in his eyes and the I'm a really kind person. It may not mean a lot to the average person, but to me it does. To the point where it made me cry tears or joy. Maybe it's because I'm really a sentimental kind of person, but also because this is the first time I've felt like my efforts aren't put to waste. I feel as if this was the first time someone actually cared, that I wasn't taken for granted. It means the world to be that we're both thankful for each other. Even though, as I said, this wasn't the ending I wanted (but I never really expected, in the first place). This would be the perfect ending. I'm so happy that I mean something to him in the slightest. That was all I ever wanted in the from the start-- to make a difference in someone's life. I don't know yet, but I think I might have done it this time.

  I have something for him too, even if he never asked. He never really did. I'm just doing this for both of us. Because seeing him happy makes me. I don't know how I fell for him or when I did, but I know for sure, he was definitely worth falling for. He may not be my first love, but he is that kind of love that when you look back at it twenty years from now, you'd smile and say, "I love him, and I will always do".

  He is the boy behind the miracle. The star that fell from the sky. The wonderwall. The only exception. He's the boy I didn't know I loved 'til it was too late. But also the boy I loved the most. He's the boy I dedicated "Yellow" to, the boy I would secretly sneak glances at, and  meticulously try to avoid. He was that special slow dance, the one special Valentine. He is the dream come true. He is living proof of miracles and that good things come to those who wait. He was the light in a sea of darkness.And he was all I could ever hope for and more.

  And there will never be enough words to describe how happy I am that he even crossed my life...

  There aren't many people I care about in this world. And he's one of the very few. So yeah...he just really means that much to me.

  Goodnight, friend.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Give All, Give In, Give Up

#NowPlaying: Two Moons by Toe

Dear Friend,

  I think I'm just about ready to say goodbye to him. Well, technically, that's a huge lie because I will never be ready to say goodbye to him, ever. And, well, I'm not good with goodbyes. But here I am, with a letter's draft, a gift and a million words unsaid. I don't know if he knows (and I hope he does) but somehow, I wished he'd savor the last moments he'd ever see me. In three days, he'd be permanently gone. Permanent. I don't really know what happens when he leaves, but I'll be hoping for the best. Even if I know the worst is yet to come. But, as I said, I'm ready for it.

  I'm prepared to give my all. I guess, there isn't anytime left to hold back, you know. Hopefully, he'll understand every word and take them to heart. I know that letter will probably be the crappiest thing he'll ever read, but I'm hoping he'll find meaning and significance to it as well. But no mater how much I write, it would never be enough. There will never be enough words to express how thankful I am to have met him. The words are like stars. They're infinite possibilities. There are infinite reasons why I could thank him --because without his very existence, I wouldn't be here right now, writing to you, dear friend.

I may be saying goodbye to the one person who means the most to me, but I believe that not all goodbyes are sad. I guess, there is a good in goodbyes. Sometimes, they're needed for us to grow as people and live our lives as they were planned to do so. Maybe it's time for me to stop trying to control how things are happening and just give in to what's in store for me. To just let go. I know that things happen for a reason. Some people are meant to come across your life for a short period of time. Some stay a bit longer...while others, well, they stay forever. But just because I'm giving in to the thought of having my own predestined plan doesn't mean that I don't have a say in my life. Whether they're good or bad choices, they'll only be learning experiences for me.

So I guess, it's time to give up. Give up on the people that won't do me good or pretend like they do when they really don't. I'm tired of being taken for granted, dear friend, because it's the same everything. I'm always left chasing people I want to keep when I don't really need them in my life anyway. It's stupid. Now, it's time to wash out all the negativity and frustration out of my life. I'm already stressed enough. Especially in high school where people try to be something they're not. Case and point, when guys try to act all though and show off to try and look cool; or when girls go and act all cutesy, innocent or adorable when all it really does is make them look like desperate, attention-seeking bitches. Sigh. It's all so disgusting to me. These are the people I loath the most, the pretenders. Because, one day, we will all be irrelevant. No exception.The closest you can get to actually being relevant, is knowing that you didn't change who you are just for the fame, attention and even acceptance. You remained you. That's how one remains relevant to himself.

Sigh. But, people don't get that. All they think about is the gratification they get out of it. Human beings are naturally narcissistic, yeah. Maybe, one day, when we get older, we'd realize that self-acceptance is key. Because, if you can't even learn to accept yourself, do you think other ever will.

So, from now on, I'll only keep the ones worth keeping. The one's who are worth it. I give up. I'm done. And maybe, just maybe, some day people would realize that things won't last forever. And, so won't I.

This is it for me, dear friend. Good night.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

For What It's Worth

#NowPlaying: Twenty Years From Now by Outerhope

Dear Friend,

  It was my last day yesterday. I haven't written to you for days because I honestly don't know what to tell you. I guess I've been too ashamed to tell you that I may have given up on what I started: the road to happiness. I was with the thought that nothing I ever do will be worth it, that nothing matters. I guess, I've grown used to the feeling of being unwanted, of rejection, that it would turn out just the same. I guess, with so much lack of expectation, I led myself to expect that nothing good ever happens. Over-thinking, over-analyzing-- all of that kind of got to me. I almost forgot why I was actually doing this, why I chose to pursue.

  I've doubted whether or not he was worth it, if it was worth being in that vulnerable place once again. I guess, I've kind of hit that low point where I was convincing myself that no one will ever be worth it. But then I reminded myself  that I was here, and that I wouldn't have made it this far if he wasn't worth it.With a little advice and a wake up call, I realized I was thinking too much about what he would think or what would happens next when  there is no next time.  I won't be seeing him soon, or even ever. There is no after. I guess, it's true that some things are meant to be kept  short and sweet. That what I can hope to hold on to. I had to see things the way they were: the truth. What ever happened will forever be they way it happened, nothing can change that. I


  So what happens next? Thursday is where I say goodbye and close this short but meaningful chapter in my life. Whether it means something to him or not, it will to me. And I know that he deserves it. He's worth it. Not only am I doing this for him, but for me. I know that somehow, I'll be given some peace of mind by saying everything I need to say. I owe it to myself, to see him one last time

  Maybe, when Thursday comes, I'll feels sad or most likely, even cry. I'll miss him for who knows how long. But I'll be happy. Realistically, I'll be very sad that it's over but  I'll be even happier that it happened. After all, from the start, I knew it was going to end. It might not end the way I want it to, but at least, it will end with a smile. I know that I'll still think about him from time to time, or wish I could have done something more. But sometimes, less is more. And less... is good.

  For what it's worth, I'll say everything I wish I could say, in the hopes that he'll be happy to hear them. I hope that he'll know, hear, and understand every emotion . I know that no matter how it ends, I'll be happy. Because, again, he is love. He is inspiration. He is happiness. And he was a complete miracle.

  Yeah, for what it's worth... and for what I'm worth.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Three Days: Goodbye to Goodbye

#NowPlaying: Distance by Christina Perri

Dear Friend, 

  This might be it for me. I've spent the past four weeks talking about love. Oh, how in deeply in love I am. But now, it's starting to feel useless. Now that I think about it, everything I've done has been completely useless. I guess I was just to caught up in the moment to see how stupid I've been. Who was I to ever expect that I was anything more than a fool? I'm nothing.

  It's sad. Because after a week of trying, I finally was able to plant that gift for him. Not that he knows, but I secretly hope he did. I secretly hope he thought of me, even in the slightest. But now it's becoming clear to me that nothings will ever change. I'm still this loser. That no matter how much I believe that the love I feel for him had changed me, had made me into a much better person in a much better place-- nothing has really changed. Now the walls of delusion I built are crumbling down, and I finally see myself for what I really am. I'm still the old me: emotionally-unwell, problematic and unstable me. 

  I can't believe I even thought, for a second, that I could actually mean something to somebody, to him, moreover. How could I ever believe that maybe, for once, someone could see me in a new light? Something much more than that simple nobody. There we were in a picture put together, side by side. It hit me that trying to reach out to someone as perfects as him is like reaching out to the highest star in the sky-- it's idiotic. I pale, almost fade, in comparison. Just merely standing beside him makes me feels so small and insignificant. That's because I am. I always will be.

  I'm sorry, dear friend. Because, I might...have to let him slip away. Slowly and without a sound, like a peaceful death.  A painless death. I'd have to let him go without saying a word. It won't be painless, but it's for the best. I won't be allowed to cry, or to mourn, or to feel sad. Because I don't have the right to. There was never anything to be sad about. There was never anything but a silly dream.

  I won't say goodbye. 

  Because what would I have to say for myself? What is there left to tell him? He doesn't need me to tell him. I don't need to tell him that he's actually very special to someone. Someone actually cares. Or that he's the reason I manage to smile everyday when I think of him, or that he's the only one who could cheer me up on a cloudy day. He doesn't need to hear that he's the reason I still believe in hopes and dreams, that love is real and not just some fiction as I made it out to be. He doesn't need that. He doesn't need to know that because of him, I've come to know happiness, real and lasting happiness. He doesn't need to know that I wish the best for him in every way, that I'd spend everyday wondering if he's out there, if he's doing well. and that I'll miss him more each day. Because no one, in all my life, has made me feel and learn so much, . And in such a short period of time. He won't ever know how much he had changed me. He doesn't need to know that I'm thankful, so thankful that he ever came across my life.He won't need to know how hard this is for me, the just walk away like nothing happened. Most of all, he doesn't need to know that I really do love him...that life wouldn't have ever been the same if he hadn't came.

  Because what will he say then? "Oh geez, thanks. That's really nice of you". Or more realistically, he'll just walk away and not say a word. Yeah.

  Maybe, I was just kidding myself that maybe he did, at the lowest degree, want me to say goodbye, or say something. But I've woken up from that dream. It's game over. Maybe, I'll just forget everything happened. After all, it never really did right?

  I'll forget who he is, what his name is, and he was ever a part of my life. I'll forget why I used to walk by that specific street and wonder why that specific star in the sky means so much to me. I'll forget how I spent  February 14th, and try hard to remember what made Prom night so special-- but I won't be able to. I won't remember why this blog was written, or to whom it was written about. It will be a blur. I'll act like none of this was ever anything, because it was never anything in the first place. I guess, I'll completely be oblivious to the thought of love and happiness, and all that's left of me will be like a puzzle, with it's pieces forever lost in time.

  I'm so deeply sorry to have disappointed you, dear friend. I know, I've probably wasted all your time with something I could never do. I guess, I'm not as brave as I thought I could be.

What do you think? A penny for your thoughts, please?

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Four Days To Go: Wasted Chances, When It Counts and Expectation and Reality

#NowPlaying: Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift// Wonderwall by Oasis

Dear Friend,

  It's me again. I swear, sometimes I don't know how you put up with me-- this hopeless, socially--awkward loser who can't even say how she feels without chickening out. Sigh. If I were you, I would have given up months ago. But yet, you're still here. And that means the world to me because, right now, I just want something that wouldn't  leave. Because everything good in my life always finds its way out..... It always does.

  Today made me realize how many chances I've wasted all this time. And that I can't waste anymore. All my life, I've wasted so much time on the wrong people (not that I wish I didn't, because those people taught me a lot). There were so many things I could have done if I only had the balls to do so. I know taking it out on myself won't really help but... sigh. I'm so stupid. Where are all these feelings coming from? Well, it's kind of a funny (and long) story...

  A friend of mine asked me why it took me so long to figure out my feelings for him; why, after three long years, is it now that I realize he's been the one all along-- just when he's about to leave. Why? That question really struck me. I asked myself that same question and came up with this answer.

  "Maybe it was because I was too blind to see what has been in front of me all along-- the one person that does count"

   Then I found myself wishing I could have realized sooner. Now it's too late to go back because sooner or later I'dd have to face the inevitable end. All I had to do is make the best of the time left of me... Yeah, that's the best I could do.

  Then my friend asked me what I would do after all of this ends, and what did I really want to get out of this. And well, that led to the debate of  expectation, reality, and fantasy. I was in the middle of these three crossroads, slowing pacing back and forth from each. There is a fine line between these three, and if you're lucky, they could all meet to form one bright road. But that isn't always the case. It rarely is. But here's the case for me:

  Expectation: By the end of this, I'll actually be able to say goodbye and tell him how I feel. He'll be happy and chill about it. We'll part ways and I'll be able to move on about it.

  Reality: He thinks I'm just this awkward loser who is head-over-heels for him. He probably doesn't even remember my name and just goes with the flow just to be nice. He would want to even hear a goodbye because it's not worth his time. He probably doesn't and will never care and won't mind not seeing my face ever again. Pssh, just another silly girl? Right?

  Fantasy: Secretly, he actually does care. He may not feel the same way but he cares, and he's thankful and he appreciates. He'll remember my name and maybe even smile, remembering that girl who shyly gave him those chocolates and could barely even look at him. He would appreciate a goodbye because it would be the last time, it would be a final goodbye. And maybe then, he'd have something to remember her by.

  That's pretty much what's going on in my head. Sigh. Which one ends up happening? I don't really know. I'll just have to wait and see, I guess. Or I might not ever know, only he will. But no matter what I do, I know I'd end up regretting it: whether I say goodbye or not. Regret, regret. Wasted chances always turn to regrets. I really just wish it was easier to like him, or that I wasn't such a coward. But maybe that it kind of a good thing. Because in the end, that's who I am: I'll always be the girl who'd like the guy from a far, do as many little things for him, completely not talk to him, and get hurt in the process. That's why I stopped believing that anything good could come out of love. Getting attached to someone always leaves me in a bad place at the end.

  What sucks the most is the when I finally gave up on hoping, that's when the greatest thing happens to me. Just when I lost all hope in love, there me was. He turned my whole life around and gave me a new perspective. He gave me a new light, a new hope. Life is capable of so many beautiful things and he showed me that. He made me see again, even just for a quick period of time.

  At the end of the day, when is it worth it to go through so much hell for someone? When it counts. When it means that much to you. When you know you're going to regret it if it never happened. He counts. And that's why I have to do it. No more wasted chances.

Wish me luck.

Love Always, 
Yasmeen

Replacement and The Infinity of Love

#NowPlaying: Boston by Augustana

Dear Friend,

  I should be writing my articles for the school paper right now, but I guess I just don't have the right mindset to do so. I don't know how I am going to be able to write those articles by Monday, but I'll have to find a way. Or else I'll be good as dead...

  There's this word that's been ringing inside my head. Replacement. I hate that word. Because there is no way you can replace something and things can't be the way they were. Moreover, you can never replace someone you love. No one can fill in the space they leave behind in your heart. It's just impossible. No one can ever replace him. No one can ever make my heart drop like he does, make me smile like he does. No one can make me do crazy things like he does. Because he is just that, he is the way he is. And I love him. He is the eternal sunshine which shined through the darkest part of my life. He is the light. And he's the reason I wake up in the morning and still manage to smile. He is why I live for tomorrow, nothing else.

  The past week, I've done pretty crazy stuff. I'm stupid,  I know, I've already established that. But I was willing to run  a thousand miles to see him. (Okay, that's pretty exaggerated, but I did run just to see him. Like, a long way). Let's just say, not seeing him leaves me with this certain emptiness that just doesn't sit well for me. So  for the past week, I've been going out on a limb, trying to find a way to see him. Not that he knows though, because I miserably failed at all my numerous attempts. I went to school, early in the morning on a day where  I shouldn't be in school at all just to, by chance, see him. I spent three days walking the streets, losing money, losing in 2k13 and, well, running. I ran as fast as I could last Wednesday to the route he takes home everyday, trying to maybe catching walking home. I always see him walk home everyday, even back when I didn't even realize how I felt for him. Sucks for me, because in a weeks time, I won't ever  get to see him walk by there ever again. Somewhere in between the running. I knew I may have lost one important thing in me to which (for some reason) I didn't mind. I lost my dignity. And I didn't care, as long as  he was there. But he wasn't.

  Sad to say, for myself, that even if I tried a million times to find him. I never did. And yet, the days are growing shorter. I'll be left walking that same route he did before, reminiscing all the memories of him. Trying to remember every detail until all that's left of me is a blurry image of the moments I once held close. But even when those beautiful memories grow into a blur, I will always miss him. That even when my hair one day turns gray, I'll be able to say that I was able to love and lose fruitfully.

  But, sigh. Honestly, dear friend,  how do you let go of someone you love? Is it ever possible to replace what has been lost? I'm faltering right now, because...what happens when he's gone? I have thirteen days. And with every passing day, I grow more in love with him which makes in ten times harder to say good bye. I've come to the point where there is this certain dependency. Like living without him is like living without oxygen-- close to, if not, impossible.

  If you'd let me, give me a minute to tell you a fraction of the reasons why I love him. Even though words can not exactly contain...

  When I see him, it's as if light radiates from him, the kind of light that pierces through you and leaves you breath-taken. He is like the sound of waves crashing against the shore, or that perfect sunset. There just aren't any words to compare how wonderfully perfect in every aspect he is. And there's that feeling he gives. There's chills and butterflies; like that feeling you get when the wind touches your face or when you're slow dancing under the moon light-- it's exhilarating yet simply beautiful. Then, there are the million things that I've come to love about him, the little things: like his smile (which up to now makes me grow in love with him, the same way it did when I first saw him) , or his laugh (which, to me, sounds like a choir of angel shot right out of heaven) and even the way he arrives just before bell rings, how you can never read his mind, or even the rare instances you'd see emotion in him. I love every thing about him, both big and small, good and bad. But, here come the most important part, which make it all the more painful: he showed me a new beginning... but with a given end. And yet, that didn't stop me from loving him. I wasn't scared. In fact, he taught me to take chances, and that it's possible for hopes and dreams can come true. I once forgot how it was like to dream... 'til I found him. But then he came, like a star across the dark midnight sky. There he was. He was my dream, my hope. And I guess, I'm just really thankful for that, for him. Because if it wasn't for him, I would've never had as much sleepless nights or butterflies; I never would've gotten my perfect slow dance or my favorite Valentine's Day. I never would have known what happiness was really like. I'm just so grateful. Because, now, I know what it's like to love without regret and to love with a forever.

  Everything I've just said may seem like a lot, but to me it's not. I'll never be able to say enough about the love I feel for him or the experience of having him in my life. I don't think anything I say will ever be enough to describe the infinity of love. Because it is what it is: it is infinite.

  No one can ever replace him. Never. Because no one can replace love nor lose it. You can only give it away with the hopes that it will come back much stronger, or that you, in turn, will receive it was well...

This is all I really have to say for tonight, but the coming days will be filled with heartache as I prepare to say my final words, and maybe, my last goodbye.

Thank you for listening, dear friend. And have a good night.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Bleed

#NowPlaying: Shake It Out by Florence and the Machine

Dear Friend,

  I'm not so good today. Actually, I'm not good at all. I'm shaking like mad, hyperventilating and I could barely type straight from all the tears flowing from my eyes. I can barely breathe and I'm fighting the urge to bleed. I don't want to. I don't want to go there. Not again. I don't want to be in that same dark place as I was before. He kept me away from that dark place and I'm slowly sinking back in...

  I want to hold on as much as I can, but it seems like there isn't really a purpose anymore. I need something. Anything. A sign. Just to know that there is still something worth fighting for. That it isn't all going to waste. I just need something to keep me alive for sixteen more days.

  I don't know if I'll be able to finish this properly, but I'll be writing to you as much as I can hold. Because right now, I only have my stars to keep me company. But even the sky is dark and I can barely see them. I don't know if I'd be able to tell you everything yet, dear friend, but in 15 days I will be. For now, all I can say is that I am lost, and I don't have the strength to stand on my own. Literally and figuratively. I don't know what to do because as I'm sitting here alone by the balcony, I want to scream out. I want to stop feeling and just end it. No. I can't. I have to stop myself from going back to the old me. I can't be lost again.... No. Please.

Stay, こ。 ごめんなさい。

Love Always,
Yasmeen

50 Ways To Say Goodbye

#NowPlaying: Remembering Sunday by All Time Low

Dear Friend,

  Before someone finds me here in my secret hideaway here in the darkness, aka my unlit balcony, I thought I should write to you. So far, I'm on my road to saying goodbye. 17 days and counting. Sigh, yeah. Yet, I still have no clue how to actually say goodbye when the time comes. It seems like I haven't even established with myself that he's going to be gone soon. And that no matter how much I pretend like he's not, he is. He's leaving and I only have a few more days 'til I have to face the truth. It stings, and it burns to even think of letting go. But it's true, what they say: "When you love someone, let them go". I don't want to think of the other half of that quote ("if they return, they're forever yours") because I'll only torture myself with that sad fact that he will, in fact, never  return. But I know for one that I love him, it's a crazy kind of love. The love that grows from one-sided admiration, finding the smallest things about him and thinking "This is why I fell in love with him", the kind of love that hurts, but you don't mind it hurting because the happiness you feel overcomes all the pain. I do, I do love him. More that I have ever loved anyone else. And that's why I have to let him go. Because he just means that much to me.

  But...how do you say goodbye to someone who's made such a different in your life? I've grown so used to goodbyes, trust me. But I can never really be prepared for it, no matter how many times I experience it. So how much more if I was to say goodbye to...him? I've already thought of a way to say goodbye to my friend (who's like a brother to me) by writing him a super long letter (like how I do to you, dear friend) and by writing him a song. Yes, I'm sentimental that way. I just...don't like being forgotten. I hate being forgotten. Because I never forget people, no matter how small or big a difference they make in my life. I never forget them, even if it would be easier for me if I did...

  Would it even matter to him? Do I even matter? Because it sucks and it feels shitty, not knowing what's on his mind or what he thinks. It hurts. A lot. Doesn't that matter?! Sigh. But then I remind myself why I'm still typing, friend. Because just like writing to you, loving him makes me happy. That's the whole point of this all. Being happy. Regardless of how he feels. Sure, I wish somehow he cared. And sure I wish I had the guts to talk to him, of even smile at him (which I have no courage whatsoever to do because I'm a loser). And maybe being this kind of loser it better for me, because maybe then he wouldn't notice how hard I'm trying. How hard I'm try to hold back how I feel.

  So what now? I honestly don't know. I still haven't had a clue what to do. Unfortunately for me, I can't write a giant goodbye in the quad as I wanted too. Fuck you, disciplinary actions. So what can I do? Hopefully, I'll figure it out. There's some part of me that wavers whether or not to say goodbye at all. But I know, for sure, I will regret it if I don't. Who knows what kind of crazy things I will do, but what ever it is, I truly do hope it will be the craziest I will do. Because according to Meg from the Disney movie, Hercules: "People do crazy things when they're in love". That's why I guess I'll end up doing the most outrageous shit I'll ever do. Hopefully.

Goodnight, dear friend, and I hope you sleep well. Thank you, as always.

Love Always,

Yasmeen

  

Silver Linings

#NowPlaying: The Other Side by New Heights

Dear Friend,

  Technically, this would be the second time I wrote to you today. But technically since it's past midnight when started writing this, then it's not. See it in anyway you want it.I'm pretty sure I'm sober now which is good. It's like one in the morning right now but I can't really sleep due to the effect of alcohol and the many thoughts still running around my head. Also, after watching Silver Linings Playbook, I feel inspired. This is good for me because just a few hours ago I was verging on self-pity, anger and loneliness. I, too, sometimes feel as if I am bipolar. Or, like maybe twenty percent bipolar. But you know, I believe there are silver linings. We just don't notice them at first.

  All this week, I've been feeling hopeless. What else could go wrong? What is there left to lose? Well, there is  still a lot left to lose which I actually don't want to risk losing. Even though I'm counting the days (19 days, to be exact) 'til I lose the one thing that means to most to me, him, I know that there will be a silver lining to this. I don't really know what it is, but I will find it. Maybe I'll find my way to where he is someday, who knows. I'll miss him more than anything, and he may or may not know that. But I hope he does. If he does, then that would make me feel so much better.

  And maybe that should by one of the goals in life: to find hope in every hopeless situation, to find the light in darkness, to find a chance. That's what I'm gonna do.Come Monday, things are going to look up. Things will get better. I have nineteen day left to go. It's time I should cherish them.

Thank you, Silver Linings Playbook, for being an inspiration. And to you, dear friend, for continuing to inspire me as well.

Excelsior!

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Fix You

#NowPlaying: Six Degrees of Separation by The Script

Dear Friend, 

  I wish someone could help me. I have no idea what to do anymore. I've been so lost, doing so many reckless things and all that shit. And that's not who I am. It feels like I'm reaching out and pulling myself back in at the same time. No one really knows what's on my mind lately, mostly because I prefer not to say anything. But I wish there was one person who'd see behind this facade, the fake smiles and all the walls I've quickly built around me. I wish I had a friend who'd help fix me, even though it's not an easy task. I just need somebody...please.

  I've been drinking a lot these past weeks. Drinking a lot. Maybe it's my way of trying to drown out the pain, the helplessness and frustration I've been feeling. Trust me, as much as I enjoy drinking with my friends, I doesn't work out well for me. And yet, here I am, not almost sober asking one of my friends if he wants to drink with me again next week. Why? I don't know. I'm only doing things out of desperation and impulse. What has become of me? I used to be this girl who was cheerful, who was happier. What happened? Why did I let myself come to this?

  Maybe, I'm just sick of life. No, not in a suicidal way. Maybe. Whatever.  It's just that, somehow I am never content with what happens. It's change: it either happens too fast or too slow. So I choose to take it to my own hands. But that's not good. So I'm writing to you, dear friend, in hopes that you'd understand and that I can confide to you. Because I need a friend. I need you. Sigh. I'm in tears. I wish I had someone to catch me when I fall. I didn't have to feel so alone all the time. I want to feel okay again. I just can't do this alone.

  Sometimes, I wonder if there's still anyone out there who cares. I know, I sound like an emotional, no-one-gives-a-fuck-about-me , whiny bitch. But that's it. I've been giving so much for people who don't even notice. And it hurts because I still continue to do it, making a fool out of myself. And I don't think I'll ever stop doing it. Because it's me. And I'm stupid. And I'm hopeless. I'm loveless and yet still full of love... ironic.

Would it be too silly to wish to be saved? Is it too late to be saved?

Help me.

Love Always,
Yasmeen