My Personal Essay (A Special Entry)

(Below is my essay for my college entrance test. I hope it would be good enough for whoever may read it)

“You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world... but you do have some say in who hurts you.” 

  Above is a quote is taken from a book written by one of my favorite authors, John Green. These words have been etched in mind ever since the day I read the quotation. It struck me that for so long, I had only agreed with the first half of the quotation, that getting hurt was inevitable and that there was point in escaping it. I felt that since pain was something constant, there was no choice but to accept that it exists and to avoid it conscientiously.

  Ever since I was a child, I was exposed to so much pressure, not only from my family but from my teachers and friends as well. Being a consistent honor student since 1st grade, there was very high expectation of me. Right from the start, I was raised to be a good leader and a model student. I was always given roles of responsibility and since I was both artistically and musically inclined, I was made to participate in various competitions too. Graduating grade school as the class valedictorian, I was content and my confidence was at an all time high. Little did I know that high school would not be as sweet. In my second year, I decided to transfer to Miriam College High School for a change of atmosphere. Everything went well in the first week; I was able to make new friends and I had no trouble of coping with the new lessons. In the second week, things took as turn for the worse as I started to get bullied by, ironically, my previous classmates who had transferred to the same school. The bullying took a toll on me as I started to develop depression and would not attend class for fear of being ridiculed or slighted. I would end up getting sent home from panic attacks or hyperventilation. After three weeks, I transferred back to my old school, thinking I would finally be left at peace. Yet, those bullies did not leave me alone. They would come to my school, attempting to start fights or to poke fun at me. At the time, I no longer felt safe anywhere. This event lasted for more than four months and during that time, admittedly, I was in a very dark place.

   One day, decided that running away was doing no good. I finally decided to stand up for myself. It was definitely not easy, but after a while, I was finally left alone. That painful experience made me realize that our problems are only as big as we make them out to be. Getting hurt and all these struggles are indeed  irrevocable. It happens to all of us. Yet, we do have a choice whether we will succumb to it our not. I believe that  the hurdles in life have a purpose. They are lessons, something we must learn from in order to grow as people. Mistakes are to be made and risks are to be taken. Running from our problems will only get us so far, but at some point, we'll have to face them and decide whether you will allow them to hurt you. Happiness is a choice, something we all deserve if we would only let it into our lives.

  Today, I am still in the middle of knowing who I am and finding out what more life has to offer. I am in the process of learning and experiencing new things. Though I have come across a few bumps in the road, I stand with a more positive outlook in life and a strong will. I believe that we are all born for a purpose, to go and make a change, first within ourselves and then the world. I am eagerly awaiting more future endeavors and to achieve the goals I have set. I look forward to the last time I would be walking up that stage (hopefully as the class salutatorian), with a diploma in hand and being able to say to myself that I made it and that I accomplished something big.

  Whatever the future holds, I know that God has a plan for me. In the middle of adversities, I will keep my head held high knowing that there is nothing we cannot overcome. Every hardship we encounter but a mere chapter in our lives, and it too shall pass. A wise man once said, "We need not be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken". I would like to believe that that saying is something I will continue to live by.

The Fault In Our Stars...And The Rest Of The World

#NowPlaying: Distance by Christina Perri

Dear Friend,

  If you've read TFIOS or know the quote where the title came from, then it would explain a lot of what I am about to say. But if you haven't encountered the said quote, then here it is:

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings" 

-William Shakespeare

  Technically, that is true. But you know what, I'm pretty sure 'the stars' have to take blame for some of the shit that goes around in here. These stars have to have some control or point of authority in this world. Humans are kind of shitty. And we've established that we are nothing more than underlings. And so, if the 'stars' already know that we kind of suck at doing things properly, why can't they pitch it and kick us in the ass for doing a horrible job? Whatever.

  I've been thinking about a hell lot of things. There are so many unfortunate things that have happened this week. I guess the one that has affected me the most, and I'm sure most of you (especially if you're a Gleek) know this already. But if you don't, then one of the most talented people I know just passed away recently. If you don't know who Cory Monthieth is, then let me tell you that he is one of the most talented and genuinely real and kind people I've come to adore. When his hit TV show, Glee, had just began to take off, I was reluctant to watch it (labeling it as another cliche TV show). But Cory changed my mind. When I heard him singing "Can't Fight This Feeling", I was changed. I started habitually watching the show, and from that moment on, I learned and absorbed so many things. I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for that show. And I owe that man a great deal for that.

  Also, I wish that genuinely good people didn't have to suffer so much in this world. Those people who think of others before themselves, they deserve one hell of an award. Some people, although they don't seem like it, are actually good people. And vice-versa. Bad people exist. And sometimes, the devil takes the same of something beautiful.

  Anyway, as I said. Our 'stars' suck. But me, being human, I also suck at mortality. I guess you can say that I'm just really angry at the world right now.

  Excuse me, I have to get my shit together and write a decent essay.

  Sorry.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

My Way Out of The Labyrinth (Late Post)

#Now Playing: Best I've Ever Had- Vertical Horizon

Dear Friend,

  June went by really fast for me. Although I had my fair share of mishaps and teenage crisis episodes, it was so fast-paced. It's crazy how time flies and before you know it, everything is over. Hours to days to months to years. It's amazing. Sometimes we get too caught up in a specific moment that me forget to move on when, unknown to us, life moves on on its own. What I'm trying to say is everything happens, but no specific event happens forever. We live and move on. We're all trying to find out way out of the labyrinth ('Looking For Alaska' reference there). Some of us are lucky enough to make it out while others get swallowed in and just stay idly in one corner forever, never finding progress. I'm still finding my way out. Sometimes I make progress, and sometimes I end up back at the same place I was not too long ago. But I'm gonna get out, someday.

  I was reading a poem called Desiderata today. I guess it actually gave me a minute of self- reflection. Who am I? What is my purpose in life? I'm living in this world, alive and breathing, not knowing what I was set out to do. Then it hits me. I was born to live my life. To benefit from the world and let it benefit from me. To go on, be human. Make mistakes. To learn, and laugh and build relationships. To be happy and sad and feel all the vibrant emotions that come with being human. Everything. I have to accept that I'm human. And no extraordinary life experience will make you particularly special in this world.

 Just a thought.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Radiate Happiness

#NowPlaying: Thinking About You by Frank Ocean

Dear Friend,

  I know, I know. I've neglected you for quite some time now Feel free to kick me in the ass, or in any part of my face for that matter.Lately, there isn't much to say. I've been better and things have been looking up. I've been so busy with school and project and other life situations that I've kind of led a boring life. But, really, I'm feeling positive. It's been two weeks since I've had and 'incident' and from time to time, I still get those minor panic attacks. But I've kept them at bay and I'm trying to actually live a good life.

  So, anyway, I was supposed to have updated you last week but I forgot to publish it. Sorry.

  Bear in mind, today was a hectic day. I almost got killed because our car got thrashed by a truck from the backside and conveniently, I was seated in the back. Hooray. Obviously, I'm still alive. So while the police was settling the whole shenanigan, I just bought myself ice cream. Think positive right? Well, fuck my life. When I got home, I had to open the front gate to get to the door. And since misfortune digs me so much, my iTouch just had to drop to the cold, hard ground. Boom. Crack. Oh yeah, my day has grown into a field of daisies. But y'know, I'm not too depressed about it (just a little. A lot).

 But you know that quote "We accept the love we think we deserve". I think we also "accept the happiness we think we deserve". We can chose to be happy. I don't know, food for thought I guess. I want to know what it's like to be cheery and happy again. I think I deserve that much.

  So what have I been doing for the past few days? Eating a monster of a burger called 'The Stonecold Stunner' (courtesy of Zark's), messing around with Adobe Photoshop, sleeping way too early and enjoying it, watching basketball games with an enormous amount of school spirit, and well, wearing the sweater of a certain someone who I kinda sorta like. All these little things are what makes life pretty darn awesome. For me at least, being a self-admitted elitist and materialistic person, I'm pretty happy that such simple things could make my day. I'm not the same old whiny brat I once was. I've evolved. It's a good kind of change.

  Anyway, I'll talk to you later. I missed you, by the way.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Strangers We Are

W#NowPlaying: Young Blood by The Naked and Famous

Dear Friend,

  I'll say this upfront: I've probably had one of the shittiest months in the span of my whole existence. If you haven't already noticed, I've had so much stress than you could ever imagine. Class elections are coming up and I'm making sure to steer clear from that. I so don't need more crap in my life. My goal is to graduate and pass my dream school-- not end up as a fucking carcass halfway through senior year. To be honest, I'm so eager to head to college. I can't even count how many times I've said this, but I'm guessing it's a lot. I'm absolutely terrified, but I know for sure it will be so much better than this hell called high school.

  Although this may sound absurd, I'm am motivated and inspired by strangers. Yes, complete strangers. I know this sounds super weird, but I'm the type of person who goes looking for things/people on the internet and and up finding something more than I came to look for. In layman's terms, I'm kind of stalker-ish. Not the whole 'follow you everywhere you go' type, that's psycho. I just find interest in other people's life so much more than mine. I like knowing about people and the epitome of their existence. It feels like reading a character off a book, except they're real and they're alive. I may have probably freaked you out by now, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who is (what I would like to call) 'unreasonably curious'.

  So this week, I've come to roam once again around the interweb and found more people that kind of inspire me. The little facts I've come to know here and there, making up one coherent whole. It's glorious. There's this guy who I am kind of crushing on. I think he's pretty cool. Yes, I've been rushing on many guys (soccer-comic geek guy is still my number one) but I think this other guy is pretty neat! It's cool cause him and the soccer guy are good friends now. They're both college guys (which makes them pretty hot in my book) and  they just make me smile. I got to thinking that maybe someday, I'd meet people like them when my time comes. And since it's between you and me, I have to admit that one of the main reasons I'm excited for college is the unlimited amount of hot guys. Yeah, such a trivial thing.

  Also, I'm starting to figure out who I am, amidst all the inner turmoil I've been going through. I am a giver, at best. I never fail at trying to make people happy. I'm so concerned with pleasing other people who don't give two shits. But I do it anyway because I care too much. I always try to be someone I'm not that it's hard to remember who I was before my inward apocalypse. But slowly, my walls are falling and I'm letting them down for a reason. I'm starting to let the light in. And although it burns my eyes at first sight, I can feel the warmth the radiates from it. I've found so many things I'm passionate about. I've set my goals and my dreams and it feels wonderful.

  Strangers we are, dear friend. We are all strangers to each other, sometimes even to ourselves. But at some point we open up and let people in our lives. It feels scary at first, but then everything is okay again and you finally feel happy.

  I hope you find the perfect strangers who'd help you open your eyes too.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Inner Demons

#NowPlaying: Demons by Imagine Dragons (one of my all-time favorite songs)

Dear Friend,

  Before I start babbling on and on about what this past week has been, I'd like to apologize for the 'somewhat--hiatus' that I have been on (there is probably no one left reading these letters).I blame laziness and the lack or internet connection for this, mostly the laziness. I probably said in a handful of letters ago that I have had nothing occurring in my life that is worth even mentioning. Well, guess what. Be careful what you wish for. Within the start of this week, I've had one of the 'highest-lows' in the history of being me. I've had my unfair share of bad days, but last Tuesday just made it into the 'Hall of Infamy of Shitty Days'. Yes sir, it was that bad. As much as I hate reliving or even as much as recalling these days, it is permanently inked into my brain so I might as well let out my thoughts about it.

  If I haven't told you yet, I suffer from awful panic attacks. Not the kind where you go heinous and just randomly pass out. Though very similar to it, my panic attacks are extremely bothersome and well, let's just say it is equivalent to two hours (at the least) worth of crying, shaking and wailing. The worst was when I had to lock myself in a legit closet because (a) I'm somewhat claustrophobic, (b) I couldn't bear to see anyone at that time and (c) it was the only place I felt safe. Kind of crazy, right? Well, yeah. I've had these panic attacks more often. They used to happen every once in awhile, but lately my emotions have gone haywire and of the roof. So yeah.

  I had one last Monday night (complete with scars and everything, if you know what I mean) and another on Tuesday morning. Prior to my breakdown, I was already partially upset and I had over-dosed myself with pills (don't dare do this, kids) and had scars decorating my left wrist. Oh you can imagine the joy in my life *insert sarcastic laugh here*. I had two triggers for that day, one was the absolute annoyance that is him and second was the realization that someone saw through my crumbling walls.

  To cut the story short, I stayed in the guidance office for the whole day, I was miserable, sobbing uncontrollably and I was pretty druggy. After a days worth of talking to my counselor, I can tell you that I've learned so much from her and that I've come to terms with some of my inner demons.

  I guess the most relevant thing I've learned is that I have this fear of being loved (having people care for me) and also a fear of getting attached to people. I have major trust issues. I don't like people seeing me at my lowest points and I never let them close enough. Maybe it was because I have let so many people in who have left me with scars that I was tired. I was terrified of that last part of me being so vulnerable. I was closed off. I refused to feel the things I do, all the sadness and hate. I pretended that everything was okay. but it wasn't. But, it's something I'll have to face soon. People will bend and break you, but it's up to you if you want to remain broken.

  So here's the moral of this story: Acknowledge the things that hurt you. All your demons, weaknesses and shortcomings. All of that. I saw an inspirational tweet today that said: "Believe you can and you're halfway there" (Thank you, Alfie Deyes!). I think that's a good way to start that change. I know for me, isn't going to be easy, but if I want to be happy, I have to help myself and let the happiness in. I also realized how many people actually care about me, even those people I least expected to give a shit. I was overwhelmed with the amout of love and concern people showed me during that day and the following days. Maybe letting people in isn't such a bad thing. At that, I guess I'm alright. Not exactly happy, but not exactly sad at the moment. I guess that's better than nothing

  By the way, I've been really hung up on comic books lately. They're what keeps me going... and also the soccer-comic geek guy that I really like. *insert super blush face here*. What's life without a little inspiration, right?

Love Always,
Yasmeen

The Balancing Act

#NowPlaying: Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift

Dear Friend,

  So yesterday was quite a whirlwind. Until now, I'm still trying to fathom all that had happened. So I went to a friend's house for an afternoon snack, *cough*cookies*cough, and went to the basketball court to see my friends and then it rained. Not just any kind of rain. It was a freakin monster of a storm. No umbrella or amount of shielding had worked. We were all drenched and battered. We found sanctuary in our friend's house where we were lent clothes and towels , eventually, my friends hitched a ride with me so they could go back to school. That's pretty much a brief summary of that hectic day aka yesterday. But besides the experience of getting soaked in the rain with seven awesome people, it was the feelings harbored and accompanying that moment that made that day a whirlwind.

  I guess I should start by saying that I've been my most conflicted self lately. This might seem a bit odd, but I'm not so happy that I'm happy. You're probably thinking, 'What the actual fuck is this girl saying? Who doesn't want to be happy?'. In this case, I guess, it's me. I can't explain in detail all the things I'm feeling right now, but they've grown deeper than I had expected. I'm literally shaking and tearing up right now because of all the confusion in my head. It feels like a war between my heart and my head, emotions versus better judgement. I'm about to burst and it's only 10 am. And you don't know how much I hate myself right now.

  I'm getting sidetracked again, so I'll just say my piece.

  These past few days have been the best. They've been wonderful, actually. But somewhere in between the laughs and the silly little conversations, I started to feel differently. With every smile makes, I find myself
dumbfounded and stumped. When he said he loved being the first to speak to me, or how he'd put others before himself. His random acts of kindness. That little skip my heart makes and the fact that I can't stop smiling as we speak, I hate all of it. Because I know I shouldn't be feeling any of it. I promised myself I wouldn't go down the road of false pretenses again. And you have no idea how hard I'm trying to fight it off. Then there he is, all perfect an charming and wonderful. All that a girl could ever want and more, but you know you can't fall in love with him because he's way out of your league. And then here I am, head vs heart. I try to keep a straight face and keep my feelings at bay... and then my heart goes and make me do crazy things. People do crazy things well their in love, they say. But sadly, I don't need to be. Being me is reckless enough.

  And you know, that's only part one of the said dilemma. I think I might be harboring feelings for another person as well. He may or may not know this, but I've been in and out of love with him for the longest time. I don't know if he's figured it out yet, but I'm trying so hard to make him see how much I still care about him. I aimed it to be in a friendly way, but it's morphed itself into something more...Ugh. This is where it being human and having human feelings suck big time. Just when you think you're okay, boom. Emotions kick in.
 
  It's a balancing act, my friend. It's where you try to balance friendship and emotions and everything else. The man up in the sky has really been resting me. Sigh.

  And I guess, I'll do what I do best: evading. This is the worst solution, but I'm that type of sucker who loves to run away from problems like hell.

  Good night. You'll be hearing more conflicted thoughts soon...


Love Always,
Yasmeen

Positive Vibes for Rainy Days

#NowPlaying: I'll Be Waiting by Dino Robles


Dear Friend,

  Since the first day of school, I've had days filled with rainy days, quite plenty. But not figuratively! I may be surrounded with thunderstorms and cold mornings, but I've had nothing but positive vibes. These moments come rarely considering I'm not exactly a perky person in general. But something about my atmosphere seems lighter. I don't really know what it is, but I'm appreciating the change of mood. Because, if I'm being terribly honest, I admit I'm probably one of the most crankiest and annoying people you'll ever meet... and things just go from bad to worse during the 'monthlies'.


   But, for some magical reason, I'm feeling great. Sure I've had 'stress breaks' every once and a while, but I'm generally alright. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I'll take it gladly.But if this is a permanent thing, I'd be ecstatic.

  Maybe, somehow, I'll let go of that part of my self that is so used to being so sad and depressed all the time. Or maybe that part of me is suppressed for the mean time and is just waiting to burst back once again.Honestly, I don't know. And, well, I actually hate myself for that-- not knowing. I despise the fact that I can never figure out who I really am and how I really feel. I have to minds, conflicted in one head. And it's not that easy when those voices constantly argue.

  But, anyway.

  Maybe the change of atmosphere has helped. Not a lot of people know, or maybe they've noticed, but I like spending time with my seatmate, Patrick. Before you rush into judgement, I actually don't like him the way everyone expects me too. Yeah, he's pretty good-looking. But, and I actually didn't expect this, I can't imagine liking him as more than a buddy. I swear. I like being around his company and having someone who's actually really nice to me. It also dumbfounds me how nice he is, but I think it's really cool. But yeah, I guess he's one of the reason for my positive mood.

  Second, I've stopped worrying about everything so much. I assume it is equivalent to no really giving a fuck so much. I just accept whatever happens and just go with the flow. I hope I can keep it up. Third, my music choice feels so mellow right now, I feel like a hippie. Plus, plus, for chill vibes.

  Lastly, I'm not sure if I find this a positive or whatever, but I might be developing a microscopic admiration crush on someone I probably shouldn't. This time around though, I won't do anything about it. Maybe distance would work in my favor...

  I hope it rains again tomorrow...



Love Always,
Yasmeen

Naive Feelings Of Love

#NowPlaying: Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran

Dear Friend,

  It is, in fact, a Monday today (when I started writing this). Normally, nothing good comes out of Mondays. But today, I found something pretty interesting in this Monday. Besides spending eight dreadful hours in a 'ziplock', oxygenless room, and filling up the last of my university entrance form, I had an interesting day.

  If you've read my last letter, you'll know that I was slightly crushing on a new kid in my school, Patrick. But you know, dear friend, after spending the whole day with him in the bookstore yesterday, I've come to realize that I don't really like him that much in that way. I've only got to talk to him recently, and I found it amazing how easy it was to open up to him. In a matter of minutes, it felt like we we've know each other for the longest time. Suddenly, all those 'crush-y' feelings went away and I was just talking to a friend.

  All this time, I've always hoped for a guy best friend. Someone who'd always have your back and who you could just be yourself around. Someone who'd listen and genuinely cares. To be honest, guys like that are hard to find. But maybe, I really do hope, that I'd find a good friend in Patrick. Mainly, because it's so easy to talk to him and he reminds me of all the other guy friends I've had, merged into one weirdo. Yes, in the few hours I've spend with him, I can certainly say he's pretty weird. But in a good way! I find his sense of humor endearing and well, he's slightly mental-- all the more reason it would be fun to have him as a friend.

  But I have, well, it's not a problem, but more of a 'frustration'. You see, Patrick here is a pretty good-looking fella. So naturally, all the girls gravitate toward him. But he's the straight-forward type, and he's that genuinely nice and gentleman-ly kind of person which people often confuse because of the charm and charisma he has. All of that is fine. But I find it *cue the capslock* EXTREMELY STUPID when people think they are singularly this kind of persons interest. If it's too vague, what I'm trying to say is people feel oh-so special when nice guys are super nice to them, when in fact nice guys are nice to everyone. Sigh. Also, I find it super annoying how you can claim to be in love with someone after only knowing them for less than four days. Like, c'mon! I've fallen fast a couple of times too. But let me do the honor of shooting you with an arrow to the head when you tell me you're in love with a guy you barely even know. Ugh. I feels like twelve-year old romances again. It's, as the title suggests, naive. Very naive.

I'll update this later. Gotta get to school

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Fuck Titles. I Just Had A Great Day...

#NowPlaying: Trophy Boy by Reese Lansangan

Dear Friend,

  Before I start, I suggest you listen to this song. It's so jolly and fits my mood perfectly! I don't often listen to local indie-ish artist, but I'm am terrible in love with this song. Okay. You can go read now...

  As the title suggests (or lack of one), I had a pretty fucking awesome good day. *insert goofy smile here*. To be honest, I was expecting to have a crappy day, But hey, expect the unexpected right? At first, I was kind of disappointed about the small amount of people in our class compared to the other classes. Also, finding out we were placed in a classroom at the top most floor which had close to no windows at all was not that pleasant. I was swearing bullets and the lack of enough electric fans drove me mad.But all of that changed in an instant when I saw the cute guys sitting over the corner when I got comfortable enough in the classroom and made new friends along the way.... I guess I should tell you about that.

  When break time came, I was pretty ecstatic and, well, hyper. I brought cookies to school (failed cookies) and thank God my friends ate them  even though they tasted horrible. Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. You're the best-est friends ever. After my weirdo friends ate my cookies, I went over to hang out with my other friend (since-- for some weird reason-- my teachers and friends were talking about...incest. I literally ran before my ear started bleeding from their conversation) and my friend Sabrina and I chatted with out new classmate who happens to be Korean! Her name's Cate (I thinks that's how her name is spelled) and she's pretty cool and super nice *insert happy smile here*. The culture and language barrier wasn't so difficult to break through as all three of us started to get to know each other and have a genuinely nice conversation. I do hope we get to hang out more because I like being around her cheery personality.

  Okay, so while chatting with Cate and Sabrina, over to my left was my other friend Marco, talking to the cute new kid. Seeing as I'm reckless, slightly crazy and act out at random moments, I started annoying Marco which was pretty fun. After a while, he introduced the new kid to the three of us. I was slightly flustered, but I managed to keep my cool. The new guy introduced himself as Patrick in a gentleman-ly way. *swoon*. Even his name is cute. Fuck. Let's pretend I didn't just say that, okay? Okay. So We chatted with him for a while, I asked what school he came from before and he even asked what my name was. *insert fangirling noise here*. Well, he asked everyone... but still! He's just so c-u-t-e!! On a serious, I admire how he's not a jerk at all. He was really nice and polite and pretty fcking awesome. So after talking for a short while, he left...but not before saying "It was nice meeting you guys!" in the most FUCKING ADORABLE way. This is the only time I'm going to say this but: Asdfghjkl. My "feels" are acting up again.

  Whew.

  There isn't really  much left to say except I hung out at Starbucks with some pretty awesome people and played 2k13 for about 10 minutes cause I gave up after losing badly.I'm not a quitter. I just suck at that game. Ha Ha Ha.

  That ends the days mishaps and wonders, dear friend. I hope to talk to you soon!

Love Always,
Yasmeen

PS: I'm not saying I'm back in love and all that shit. I'm having just a tiny crush. :) and the picture above just sounds cool for the event. I give up on the whole concept of love. And this time, I'm just planning to not get affected by my feelings. Meaning, no more chasing guys who'll only break your heart. Kbye.

Here's To Never Growing Up

#NowPlaying: Try Hard by 5 Seconds of Summer

Dear Friend,

  So, to be straightforward, I'll be back in the hell hole known as school in, oh wait, tomorrow. Yup, horray for Senior year *insert sarcastic laugh here*.Now that the time has finally come, I must admit... I do not want to go back. But hey, I have to if I want to get a decent job someday. Okay. So, I'm still trying to let this sink in because, I guess, some part of me doesn't want to grow up yet. Though, I've been told that I already think waaay beyond my years, I just don't want to face the future yet.


  So far, I've been enjoying the last day of my summer. Well, because I've been on Adobe Photoshop the whole day and watching PointlessBlog videos. It feels like it's my last day before being sent to the guillotine. Not a good thought, but yeah. I don't look forward to being stuck with the same people in one classroom for another 10 months, but you gotta do what you gotta do. As I've said, I'm going to try to do my absolute best this year. That means: No Distractions. No Sidetracks. Just focus, focus, focus  But the reality of that is I probably will get distracted along the way. I always do. But I have a vengeance, and I think that's a good enough drive to keep me going. Plus, since I'm saving up to buy my precious Penny board, then I'll have no money to go out with my friends. I guess it's a win-win situation. Woohoo. *insert miserable face here*.

  Kidding aside, I'm really happy that I'll get to see my friends. And by friends, I mean like five people I actually give a damn about. It's gonna get crazy tomorrow, so I'll have lots of stories to tell you along the way. I'm sorry if this is such a short letter, but I promise I'll make it up to you tomorrow!

 Love you loads!

Love Always,
Yasmeen

The Happiness Project

#NowPlaying: Mushaboom by Fiest (cover)

Dear Friend,

  Holy cow! I swear I'm forgetting how to type. I'm not even kidding. You should see my grammar and spelling, I now have the brain of a three year old.Okay. Wew. So anyway, I have bad news. For me, at least. It might be good for you seeing as you read these letters which is cornucopia of mishaps and adventures in my life. In short, it's often more fun to read peoples experience (the bad ones, at least) than having them your own. So what I'm trying to say is... I'll be back in school in 4 days. YAAAY. Haha. No. Not yay.

  Just a quick entry here to update you.

  I've actually been having a proper life lately.By normal, I mean the exact opposite. It's cray cray, bro. But I like it! I hung out with my friends yesterday and I can say that those five to six hours were very well spent. I ate pizza rolls til I felt like puking, I rode a super freaky 3D ride (screaming like a whimp, I might add) that looked like a scene cut from Silent Hill or House of the Dead or something. And somehow, even an ordinary trip to the bathroom turned into a hilarious event. How? I pranked my friend by turning off all the lights in the restroom (while she was in a cubicle) and she screamed so lot. All to my amusement, yes. But karma's a bitch so, after we were all out, washing our hands. All of the lights flashed off (it wasn't me this time) and we all screamed so loud you could hear it from Mt. Everest. All in all, it was a pretty funny happening. (turns out the mall had a quick blackout)

 After that we hung out in Starbuck to chill for a while. We talked about school, people and a lot of other things. But what made the day was what the barista decided to scribble on to my cup.Let's just say I have a new name. I was supposed to write my (in my dreams) boyfriend's name, Ashton. But no, the lady heard it wrong and so she wrote this. Behold! Hashtag#. She just had to write a little has tag too. *insert cuss word here*. But it was all good. We kept on laughing at that cup for an hour or two. I bought cupcakes and watched plays and it was so awesome.

  Since I'll be in school in 4 days, I needed these days. I'll be back to drama and other messes when school starts. And, sometimes, it helps to have a little breathing time. This is my last year in high school. I might as well enjoy the fuck out of it. After all, you only yo through highschool once....uless you're like Zac Efron in that 17 Again movie.

  I just want to feel happy, you know. Everyone does. So I'm taking the time to enjoy the simple little pleasures of life and just live with it. It seems like a legit thing.

  I just baked myself some cookies (well, they're for everyone else. I just like making things). And you know, I feel pretty darn happy about it. Even if it's something so simple.

  Sometimes, we just have to take the bad in life and just live through it; and take the good in life and embrace it and be content with it.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

50 Shades of BOREDOM

#NowPlaying: Unpredictable by 5 Seconds of Summer

Dear Friend,

  Before you (may or may not) jump into conclusions, this DOES NOT have anything to with the book/ porn in paper that they call literature. I'm just running out of titles cause... I don't even know anymore. My life just looks like someone took a giant shit on it (too graphic?). But if you have read the book, then cool for you. Totally not judging. I haven't even read all of it (I tried though), but it just scared the actual fuck off of me. I literally have the knowledge of a guy when it comes to all things thing with 'the birds and the bees', but even this is way beyond my understanding. (Why do I know all these stuff? Well, cause I have a brother and a class swarming with perverts. I can't really prevent myself from not figuring it out.)

  So anyway, excuse the monumental amount of cuss words in this post here, but apparently I haven't slept since noon. And that was yesterday. I literally haven't had sleep in 24 hours and, strangely, I haven't felt more alive.On the contrary, I also feel kind of shitty because I just been so jumpy today that I had to go and go for a jog for about 20 minutes and then when I got home, I still wasn't satisfied so I went straight ahead to the treadmill. And yet, this is all coming from a girl who is too lazy to get up and get the remote to change the channel (somehow I always end up it the Home Shopping Network or some channel that makes me want to die). Or who's too lazy to wake get up from the couch to get her own food. Gosh darn, I'm a sloth.

  But other than that, I've had a pretty fruitful 24 hours of no sleep *insert tired-looking face and a frown here*. Well,if you count watching Youtube videos for almost 12 hours straight as fruitful, then yes. Yes I have. I've told you recently about my new (not so new) love for boybands and well, bands in general. I've gone from the World's Most Famous Boyband-- And yes, if you haven't guess it already, they're called One Direction; to their new Aussie pals who are also exceedingly gorgeous, 5 Seconds of Summer; to the up-and-coming, (super cute) and very talented boys of Before You Exit, the McDonough brothers. I'm finding this all a bit strange how I'm back to fangirling in bedroom when I swore that I'd never go back to that kind of thing again. But maybe hanging out with the biggest fangirl I know, aka one of my best friends, who happens to be also Bieber obsessed has it's side-effects. Yup, the 'fangirl fever' has completely taken control of me. I find it creepy how it does things to me.


  Sidenote: Strangely, I'm developing this thing for blonde guys. I don't know. But so far, all of the guys I'm crushing on in these bands are, well, blonde. Niall. Connor and Ashton. Sweet Jesus, why are you all so perfect?!

  Okay, back to being the bored little weirdo that I am.So far I've watched 65 videos of this guy, Marcus
Butler, and I've watched some other video from other (sexy) British Youtubers. Aside from their videos being extremely funny (it's very rare I find Youtube content that amuses me), they're all (for some weird reason) ridiculously good-looking. Sigh. Must be the air in Britain. I need to get me some of that. So yeah, if you want to go spend a whole 12 hours watching videos like me, then it would be a well-spent 12 hours.

  What else have I been doing? Hmm. Reading books. And well, redecorating my room for like the 139854th time. I now have a gigantic Iron Man poster and a cork board to set up my sched for the busy year ahead. Also, I've organized my planner (mostly just jotted down some birthday reminders and some goals per month too.). And, I've made a list of things I plan to buy this year.


  Number one is this badboy right here. A Penny board all the way from Aussie (I guess, because they don't sell them here). I've been pretty amazed with people who can skate and since I've been wanting some sort of transportation where I can just be cruising and chilling, this would be super perfect. I'm saving up for it so bad and if ever I don't save like a hundered thirty dollars (at least), then I'd buy it with all the Graduation money I'll be recieving this year!

  This is the other thing I've been dying to buy. An Instant camera! Since the classic Polaroid is so very hard to buy (and is beyond too expensive for me), this one's pretty good. They come in smaller pictures too so they'd fit in my journal. This would cost me like around 60 to 70 dollars, a little pricey but I'd say it's worth it since I can never but a DSLR camera 'til I'm about 30 or whatever.

  The rest are just minimal things like comics and clothes and other awesome shit that I feel like having. Hopefully I do save up enough of my allowance for the whole year so I can buy this stuff. My parents don't really like buying me cool things, so I'll just have to earn it.

  But as of late, I'm extremely moneyless. And it sucks.

  I hope your bored time turns out pretty friggen awesome as well! Byee!

Love Always,

Yasmeen

A Minute of Reflection (This is what books do to me)

#NowPlaying: I Miss You- Blink 182

Dear Friend,

  As I'm currently listening to nostalgic songs from my childhood and finishing up the last one hundred pages of John Green's Paper Towns. I can't help but take a moment of silence and think those ever-so-deep thoughts about life. About everything. About us and how we live our lives. (If you know me well enough, you'd know that this always happens when I read John Green books).

  I'm not gonna spoil anything except for the given fact that the once called Margo Roth Spiegelman is one magnificently adventurous, slightly crazy, eccentric girl. She was like the queen bee in her world of high school. And Q here (here old childhood best friend) is taken into whirlwind, night-long adventure of a lifetime when she appears in his bedroom asking him to tag along while she goes exacting some revenge. Albeit confused, Q does it anyway. After a night's worth of breaking, entering and 'breaking and entering' (yup, there's a difference), he finds himself spellbound by her. But all goes sour when Margo goes missing the next day. Q soon learns that she had left clues and they were left for him. As he deciphers what was left of Margo, he soon learns that Margo isn't the girl he thought he knew. He is left questioning, 'Who is the real Margo?'...

  Pretty cool summary/ description thingy right? Like the back of a book kind of stuff. That's the most I could say since I hate being a 'spoiler' (I usually am though). But, to be really honest, I didn't really read this book 'til last night.I got this one along with the rest of other four JG novels in a box set. And although I read Looking For Alaska in less than 24 hrs; like The Fault In Our Stars, I only read a couple of pages then sit it out and barely touched the book until I was terribly bored. But, last night, (yes, I was bored) something in me made me want to read it. Now, I'm glad I did. The story just kept on getting better and better as I flipped through the pages. And, like every other J. Green book I've read, I'm left questioning  life itself all over again...

  There's so many fine points to tackle, really.

  I guess foremost, I'd like to say that I am completely in love with the many euphemisms in this book: paper  relating to being fake, or unreal (I'm assuming, at least). the grass as... well, everything: from life, to death, to equality. Even the detective's comparison of balloon to people. I was all so vibrantly fascinating. I'm somewhat happy that I got to pick up on those (I'm pretty slow-minded sometimes)  and to this that one things could mean so many other things is just an awesome thought.  

  Second, I love Radar's (aka Q's best friend's) point when Q was mad at Ben. He said something like, "You know what your problem is? You keep expecting people not to be themselves". This hit me just as hard a lightning bolt would. Sometimes I too act like Q, getting pissed when people don't think the same as me. But ultimately, we just have to accept that that's how it goes in life. We're all blades of grass in a field. We cannot hate people for being themselves. I mean, I could hate this friend for being obsessed with how she looks around guy, for being kind of a (excuse the language) whore, or this other friend for being a control-freak or the other for never asking me to hangout. BUT I WONT. 'Cause in the end, they're my friends. I like them because they're funny, supportive, and they're pretty darn cool. We just have to accept. That's the best thing to do.

  Lastly, Margo. Q made her up to be some adventure or a miracle, or something spectacular or invincible. But somewhere in the middle, he figures out that Margo is just a girl. Him and his friends are opened up to new things about Margo that they didn't know. They would always say 'that's so un-Margo' but ultimately knowing that they're basing it off of the fragments of Margo that know so little about. If it is even the real Margo herself. In short, most people aren't what we think them out to be. And a specific person isn't that same person to everyone else (you see what I'm saying?). Me, for example: I may be this quite, shy girl to most people, but to my friends I am this random, reckless girl who is somewhat suicidal and who tends be all 'fangirly at times'. But really, what do those friends of mine know? Maybe that isn't the real Yasmeen. Maybe what they know about me isn't who I really am. Think about it, what do you really know about me? Or about any of your friends for that matter. How do you know that we're all not made of paper?

  Sigh. Because, in reality, sometimes I don't know who I really am anymore. I play different parts everyday, never firmly grasping to accept me for what I am. I'm really confused right now, because even I don't know if I'm a paper girl in a town full of paper people. I bet I am.

  To end this very long, more-than-a-minute refection, I'll say this: "What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person."- John Green, Paper Towns. We are nothing more than people. Our lives aren't as magnificent as we always make them out to be. I'd like to compare is to quote/fact about mirrors: "We are ten times prettier as we look back in a mirror than we are in real life". We. are. not. spectacular. But we've all got something unique in our lives. Maybe it's because we're all special that, for the same reason, we aren't special at all.  

  I better read the rest of the book.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

12 Days 'Til The Beginning of the End

#NowPlaying: King and Lionheart by Of Monsters and Men

Dear Friend,

  Gosh darn, the days feel just a tad bit longer. I. Am. So. Bored. Dang it! So anyway, enough about ranting about the infinite wonders of boredom (no, actually, being bored doesn't have any wonders. At all.). I'm here to share more thought on the upcoming senior year. I know, I know. I've been yapping all about this for quite a while now. But this is a really big deal for me (and I'm partly saying this cause it's all I think about because... I'm a bored, anti-social unicorn). Anyway, it's my last year. And going to college scared the shit out of me. It's a whole different place with people I don't even know. One of my biggest fears is being alone. I'm scared of being that outsider once again. To be quite honest, I find it really hard to make friends. Aside from being unbelievably awkward and shy, I have major trust issues which kind of works both ways. I trust to much, yet sometimes I don't trust enough. Sigh. Bottom line: As much as I am open to change, it's also what I fear the most.

  So, since senior year is only less than two week away (wait, I only have two weeks of summer left?!). I'll be sharing some things I'm looking forward to this year (and some things I am not looking forward to). Because, so far, I've done nothing but 'tweet' boybands all day and it's getting heartbreaking. (yup, I'm in that kind of bandwagon).

  First of all, I'm looking forward to new experiences. I know, every day has new experiences, but the whole senior year things shoots a thought in my mind that maybe I should do some things that are a little out of my comfort zone. After all, it's my last year in high school. And, to be honest, most people won't even remember the things you did in ten years. So why not have a little fun? Be a little mischievous, I say. Maybe I'll go cut class (as if I can muster up the will to do so), or get drunk (I have done that once in school. Damn that headache), or maybe I'll just do random shit. I don't know. But doing something spectacular is something on my Bucket List.

  Meeting new people. I always love meeting new people! And, most of the time (within my comfort zone), I'm the one who usually approaches them. I plan to do the same this year too. I love making new friends and I think this is the year I should start separating 'the people who matter' from those who don't. Developing long and lasting friendships is one of my top goals in life. With all these new kids coming in this year, who knows. Maybe I'll find a good friend or two...

  Last everythings. There comes a time when high school nears its end. In this case, that time has come. There will be some many 'lasts' this year. I can't even begin to fathom how many tears will be shed, how many more fights, smiles, and infinite moments are yet to come. But no matter how many more will come, there will me that one final moment that will mark the end of your high school days. As for me, I'm looking forward to my last prom, my last edition of the school newspaper (editor-in-chief duties will go down in my list of 'big, high school achievements'), my last retreat, my last goddamned exam, and the last time I will walk up that stage and finally receive my last medal and my diploma and finally say 'I actually did it'. That last one will be so significant to me. I've always complained to myself about how I keep going up that stage year after year to receive honorary medals. (I'm not saying this because I feel somewhat superior when I do. It's just that maybe being that honor student that everyone expected of me kind of wore me out. Note: I did not enjoy living up to that expectation.) But now, looking back at it, this may be the last time I'd get recognized for something good that I did. And maybe I'd miss that. Either way, I'll cherish that.

  Whatever happens this year, dear friend, I hope it turns out well. High school in only a mere four years of my life.They may not be a lot, but they're certainly amazing.

  I hope you had a good four years too.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

What I Miss The Most: Falling In Love

#NowPlaying: Stay Just A Little by Kina Grannis (listen to this on repeat while you read this)

Dear Friend,

  Two letters in a span of one day? Not the first time, certainly. It's 11 pm here and since I just had a cup of coffee an hour ago, I doubt I'd be asleep by midnight. There are a lot of thoughts running through my mind and my 8tracks adventure just isn't helping. That song has been stuck in my head. Sigh. I guess it's another lonely night.

  It's been quite a while since I talked about love and all that 'shizz'. And, to be heartbreakingly honest, I miss being in love. I admit, sometimes I wished I wasn't in love when I was. I kept on asking why I always got my heartbroken or why I cared. I hated those feelings. But, now... well, I got my wish. And no, being in love with someone famous or a boyband does not count (I wish it did). I missed caring for someone. The excitement you feel when you feel when you see their face.  Or that bit of sadness when their not there. I miss caring for someone deeply, going out of my way to show them how I feel. I pains me so much. I miss the sleepless nights, the crying, the huge goofy smile I get. Now, it's all gone.

  The last person I love had to go away. Gone before I said goodbye. It hurts more and more when I remember how it went down, but I can never ever regret loving him the way I did. I've never loved anyone more than I did with him. It's just... the ultimate feeling of loving... it just makes me happy. Note: I still don't know what true happiness means, but something about being in love makes me closer to knowing. I know sometimes I get critical when it comes to people saying how they love each other, but it's a lot different when you feel it. I'm not in love right now. And I'm unsure whether I want to be or not. But somehow, I long for the feeling of loving. Maybe it's because I'm so used to it. Or maybe I'm just lonely. But, I know time has its own way.

  The school year is coming up, and who knows what's in store for me. But I don't anything fabulous is in store for my love life (or lack of one). I'm just as lovable as walrus. Who knows, though. Maybe some cute guy will come along and catch my eye. But I hate liking my own classmates. Rarely anything good comes out of it and it's pretty easy to see how douchy they can be. Not that all guys are. But, yeah. Boys can be a little very frustrating.

  I did tell you I like this guy, right? Well *insert shy smile here*, I think he's pretty great. I like everything about him (I already told you that). Never have I found someone with so much in common and so much awesome qualities as him. But, I don't think (for me, at least) it's possible to fall in love someone you don't know. As of late, I'm just simply wallowing in a pool of one-sided adoration. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get to meet this guy (or someone as awesome as him). Maybe if I'm luckier, someone would fall in love with me too (as if. Don't get your hopes up, Yasmeen). Sigh. I'm in Losertown. Population: Me.

  So much for trying to feel better.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Frustration and Bad Friends

#NowPlaying: The Girl by City and Colour

Dear Friend,

  It's only one in the afternoon and I'm damn pissed. Just when I was on a roll of good vibes, someone has to put a damper to it. I could honestly spew out a thousand curse words right now but that would be too vulgar.  So, instead, I'm here letting out frustrated sighs and trying not to go out and stick a fork in someones throat. Judging from the title, you could already tell what making me so pissy today. Bad friends. Yup, we've all got them. And to be frank, I have a handful of them.

  I don't know about you, dear friend, but I've got a whole bunch of people who are doing a pretty shitty job at being a friend. I'm not saying I'm the perfect friend, but I've always been the type of friend who:

1.  Listens to everyone's shallow problems and genuinely tries to help even though I don't give two fucks about the whole situation.
2. Goes out of her way to greet you 'Happy Birthday' in the most special way I can, or finds a way to make you smile at all costs.
3. Says sorry when, most of the time, it isn't even my fault. I'm the one who holds the friendship together... even when I know it's falling apart
4. (Lastly,) I'm the friend who will cherish you and make you feel special whenever I can. I will always choose you over any guy, relationship or any material thing. And I'll make sure you know how much you mean to me.

  Sigh. But sadly, all of that isn't enough. Sometimes, you feel as if you're taken for granted or all your efforts just go to waste. I'm not superman. I am most certainly not perfect. And sometimes it hurts when people expect you to be. I can get angry too, sometimes I'll get so mad that I could stand not to talk to you for weeks. But I won't do that because, even if there were a thousand things to hate about someone, I'd still find that one thing to love about them and stick by that.

  Yet, people always choose to see the bad side of things. I absolutely hate those situations where you hear that your friend said something behind your back/ dislikes something about you then you get all mad and angry when you don't even consider that your friends as the right to dislike a certain 'trait' about you as much as you have the right too dislike something about them. Whenever these things happen in school, I always tell my friends to talk to each other and sort things out. But what do they do? They go straight on to Twitter or Facebook and make indirect (and very foul) tweets about each other, It just shows that you're no better than the enemy.

  When people would always comment of how 'sensitive' and 'emotional' I was, it hurt. A lot. I kept on hearing it and I took it as an offense, at first. But there came a time where I realized 'Hey, they are right. Maybe it's time to man up and change myself for the better'. Not because I wanted to please people, but because I wanted to be a better person and to develop thicker skin. So I did just that, and after a while, people saw the improvement. I was happy.

  I guess, when I'm saying is: people should grow up a little and develop a sense of maturity. Yes, right now, I'm dealing with a very difficult friend. So far, she's gotten on my nerves infinity x10 times. But I've dealt with that. But now, I'm starting to get reaaally fed up. Sigh. I just don't know what to do.

  Help me out, maybe? :(
 
  The comment section is very much open for suggestions. (and anonymous, kind people). Talk to me and I'll love you forever.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Inspiration for The Uninspired

#NowPlaying: The River Song by Hollow Crowns

Dear Friend,

  It's funny how being terribly bored can sometimes lead you to inspiration hunting. And yes, I am terribly bored. I always am. So this weekend, being the art and music junkie that I am, I went rummaging through the internet and found some awesome stuff. I have 17 days of summer left. And though I doubt anything wonderful would come out of these remaining days, at least I have something to keep me going.

Artwork by Valerie Chua

  I've been into watercolours lately. Although, I am in no way good at it. Yet. So imagine the joy I felt upon discovering such beautiful artwork! On the side is one of the works from my new fave watercolour artist, Valerie Chua! Darn, her works are amazing! Check 'em out here for more art-spiration. (You won't regret, I swear!) I have this knack for pretty looking things and soft colors. And somehow, paintings always give so much depth and life something so ordinary. They make life look a little less dull. Sometimes, we all just need a little color in our life!

  Also, I've been back and forth to the 'magical side of Youtube' as I call it and found a lot of AWESOME bands. I'm an indie girl myself, with a touch of pop and alternative here and there. I was absolutely ecstatic when I found these bands.
Here's a list of some of the stuff I've been listening to (mostly out of boredom and lack of a social life) and some thoughts:

  Passion Pit: Okay, so I know they aren't that indie anymore as compared to the bands that are practically unheard of, but I've only recently took the time to go search them up. I must say, I am very pleased that I did. Their songs are kind of techno with great beats and has fantastic vibe to it! I love how it listening to them feels as if I'm lost in wonderland, having my own adventure. || Favorite tracks: Take A Walk, Constant Conversations and Carried Away

  Of Monsters and Men: Again, not that indie since their new song, Little Talks plays is out on the radio (can't help but sing along every time it plays)  but I've been in love with this band since day one! I've loaded my iPod with all of their tracks and have them on repeat! All of their songs always have something different in them, not one less magical than the other. They're the kind of music I'd like to have in a playlist while drawing new stuff, going on a roadtrip or just everyday, in general. I'm definitely looking forward to buying their album very soon (when I get money, cause my piggy-bank just died of starvation). Not a bad song in the bunch!|| Favorite Tracks: King and Lionheart, Dirty Paws, Love Love Love, Sloom, and Mountain Sound

  Other tracks I'm diggin' right now: You Already Know by Bombay Bicycle Club, Sweater Weather by The Neighborhood, Believe In Love by The Wooden Birds, True Love Waits by Radiohead, and Black Ocean by Urban Cone

  So far, this has been by (failed) attempt at making a music and art review! Don't worry, dear friend, I'll have  more stories for you in the incoming days, seeing as I'm headed back to the Land of The Forlorn aka School. I'm pretty psyched to get back there and meet new people. And honestly, I'm really excited to see if they split up our batch. Some of my friends aren't too happy about the thought while some of them are. Hopefully, if we do get separated, I'll be apart from specific people. Twenty people in a class sounds boring and thrilling at the same time. Plus, I'm kind of sick seeing people batting eyelashes at each other when they could be batting them in front of a book. C'mon people, we have a future to get going here and I certainly don't feel like watching a chick-flick in action.

  Let's just say, I hold just a tad bit of animosity for the emotionally ignorant and the lack of dignity.

  I'm looking forward to meeting the 'new kids' because I absolutely love playing the 'Welcome Committee'. It seems as if I've outgrown a couple of people and it's time for something new. My two best buds are right along with me, so I have nothing to fear! Excelsior to new beginnings and to new people. For once, I'm opening up to change. 'Cause maybe, change isn't as scary as we make it out to be. Often, we're just too afraid of not knowing what's behind that door, when in turn, it could be something so beautiful and larger than life.

  Also, maybe it isn't that bad-- having people in your life and having something to hold on to.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

PS: Check out my 8tracks for more music and playlist! I'll be updating as much as I can (like every other day). Click for a free hug!

Passing Time For The Creative Mind

#NowPlaying: Perfect by Colour Coding

Dear Friend,

  Ah! I've been having pretty good vibes lately! It's been a while since I'm either terribly bored, depressed or pissy lately. But I've been pretty good lately (by lately I mean the past twenty-four hours). It's still raining here, but I love the rain cause it's such chill weather. I've found more awesome music that just puts a smile one my face (one of them, above) and I think I might go searching for more. I've been waking up at noon and sleeping past midnight. So far, I can say that I've been living the good life. Well, summer's almost up so why not enjoy yourself, right? Probably in the next few days I'd be partying with my friends (their birthdays are coming up) and spending a lot more time with people.

  What else have I been doing to pass time? Still blogging. Technically, I'm still setting up my new blog on Tumblr. It's pretty different from this one since this is like my personal diary/place where I dump random shit about my life. But yeah. The one I'm setting up now is mostly and art and photography and music blog and maybe I'd put up some book and movie reviews too. I haven't posted anything yet because, well, I've been staying up late making stuff on Photoshop and messing around with themes and HTML codes. I'm boring, I know. It's a bit stressful but really worth it cause my new Tumblr looks really cool and creative. I'd give you the link sometime if you're interested (I doubt though...cause I'm really boring)

  In the mean time, I wanna share with you some pretty weird dreams (or at least what I remember of them) I've been having a lot of them.

  Dream One: Somehow, I ended up in Tennessee with my parents (I had different parents in that dream. Weird) and I apparently wanted to go to Memphis to our really cool house there( yup, I somehow had a cool house) because I was troubled because this reaaaally hot guy wanted to marry me. || Honestly, this is one of the stupidest and most random dreams I've had.Because...(a) I don't even live in the US, let alone Tennessee and I'm fairly confuses why ended up there (b) I have different parents and they're actually together and (c) I'm too young to get married.

  Dream Two: I became a S.H.I.E.L.D agent and ended up fighting Red Skull with all the Avengers and some of the X-men. Oh, and I was together with Capt. America and BFFs with Tony Stark and all of us went out for pizza|| Okay, this isn't that weird. It's more of awesome but seriously too good to be true (as if the whole S.H.I.E.L.D and Avengers thing wasn't already a dead giveaway). I'm to clumsy and too much of a loser to be a secret agent and too unworthy to be even around all these cool superheroes eating pepperoni pizza. Sigh. Okay Life suck.

  I'm boring you, aren't I? Okay last dream then I'm out. Haha.

  Dream Three: I was surrounded by Teletubies in this creepy fluffy marshmallow land. I was freaked out when they suddenly started singing this cutesy annoying song that turned out to be an evil chant summoning the Dark Lord aka Dora the Explorer. They all became zombies and tried to take out my internal organs. The End.|| I don't even know what to say to this. One day, 'kid shows' will become your worst nightmare. Nuff said.

  Anyways, I'm back to more HTML and Photoshop. I'll see you later. Keep me posted if you have other disturbing dreams too.

  *evil Teletubies drive a knife through my kidney*

  Bye now.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

**Update: Here is a link to my new other blog/Tumblr if you wanna check it out! :) Click!

A Series of What Ifs and What Could Have Been

#NowPlaying: Andare by Ludovico Einaudi  (the whole Divenire album, actually)

Dear Friend,

  Have you ever had those moments when you would just stare back at the ceiling, all alone, surrounded by deafening silence and wondered 'What If?' or 'What Could Have Been?'. I'm not one to live in the past, but sometimes I get to thinking. What could've happen if I had taken those chances? What would've happen if I hadn't done this or that? I'd never know, that's for sure. But sometimes, I just wish I had a time machine or something to fix those mistakes I've made. I know how people say not to regret the past for it is what made you who you are today. But maybe, I'm not content with the 'who I am today' part. Wouldn't it just be easier to know what happens next?

  I've been thinking a lot lately. The sentimental kind of thinking. And somehow, I find myself flashing back to people who have gone, people who have left and people who may leave. To be honest, I hate thinking about the past as well as the future. The past just fills you with unanswered question and the uneasy sadness of the unchangeable. Meanwhile, the future is filled with all kinds of uncertainty, doubt and not knowing if there will be a future at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have this fear. This fear of not knowing. A fear for the unknown. Some people live in the moment. I wish I was like those people.

  I guess I'm writing this because I really miss someone. That person left a pretty big scar behind. Thinking about that person... it's kind of painful. Our 'What Ifs' weigh heavily on my mind. But sometimes, I think it was better not to know. Someone once told me it was better not to know and just to see everything how it is. I'm trying to, trust me.

  It's been raining the whole week and the fact that I'm listening to sad, melancholic classical music doesn't help. Sigh. I kind of sucks to be lonely. And most of the time, it kind of sucks to have feelings. I'm the type of person who misses people who often don't miss me back. I'm sure there are tons of people like that in the world, too.

  I read a quote somewhere (it's in one of my old planners)  that you can't make a rainbow without a little rain Although very much true, I despise the fact that 'rain' is needed to make a 'rainbow'. But, I love the rain. And  ironically euphoric, it seems that I love sadness as well. That last one sounded sadistic or masochistic in a way, but there really is something beautiful in sadness. I mean, if it wasn't, why did all those great artist paint about it?

  Whatever. All I can say is that I will be forever stuck wondering. This is gonna bother me forever.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

PS: I changed the look a bit, I hope you don't mind. Kind of suits the rainy weather here, don't you think?

Summer's A Bummer. But School Sucks Too.

#NowPlaying: True Love Waits by Radiohead

Dear Friend,

  Hey there, buddy! It's been eight inglorious day since I last wrote to you, so I know you've probably missed me (haha, not). But that's just it. For the past eight days, I've done nothing of interest or particularly awesome. Pulling out a realization, this is the last summer of high school. Well, technically. I'm gonna be a senior this coming school year, and seeing as I am the most over-worked, under-
paid, and probably the most under-appreciated over achiever (not to be egotistical, but my life isn't full of daisies, pal) the school has ever had in the past three years, I'm gonna be busy (poppin' the 'anti-stress' pills as we speak). And this coming senior year, I have a load of shit under my wing. Few of them are running for honors, taking up the position of editor-in chief for the school newspaper, passing college entrance exams (yes, we have that kind of shit here. Third-world country problems, maybe) and trying to keep myself from self-destructing, seeing as I need to survive the year with flying colors and keep my grades up if I want to go to the college of my dream which is, ironically, right across my crappy half-assed school of  retards. For once, on my own free will, I'm gonna start studying and giving a damn about life because, well, I need a job and a future and stuff.

  One eensy-weensy dilemma though, I might not be able to afford college.Or at least, the good one cause...well, my life is filled with misfortunes and everything sucks and bad things happen to me and shitty problems get dumped into my life for no reason. But, yeah, other than that, life is dandy!! Here's a snippet of thoughts in my head right now:

   Logical voice inside my head aka Bob: "Don't to anything stupid. Or anything that would hurt yourself"
   Mentally unstable voice inside my head aka Richard: "Sucks for you. Too late, pal. Damage's done"
   Logical voice inside my head aka Bob: "Sigh. You're perfectly unreasonable"
   Mentally unstable voice inside my head aka Richard: "Damn, straight"
 
  Yup, two arguing voices in my head are perfectly normal. And naming them Bob and Richard is too...

  But anyway, as I was saying, last summer of high school, yeah? Well, I can't say I didn't enjoy the April part of my summer. But since it's May now, and I have like, what, twenty-somethin' days left, I better make em' count. So I'll take a little recap of what I've been doing up to this point of time.

  Probably the one that tops the list so far is going to a Comic Con on Free-Comic Book-Day. Yup, I'm awesomely geeky. And although I did only spend a mere two hours there, I was blown away by all the stuff there and actually got a lot of cool stuff and some drawing inspiration. I was fortunate enough to snag a couple of free comics, buy six Marvel comics and a Mini-Deadpool figurine (he stands right beside me now with his mini samurai sword and badass gun, making sure I write this letter) and a cool print out of some X-men Babies (look them up, they're super cute!) from one of my new fave artists. The comic con experience was a blast and I'd definitely be back there next year. I hope I can bring some friends a long, but I need to find actual friends who like the same stuff as I do first. Easier said than done.

  The remainder of my days, thus far, have been spent over-eating (I gained weight. Oink! Oink!) being chronically unhappy and reading a whole shit load of Deadpool comics. Glad to know I'm not to only one who talks to myself/has a second voice in my head. (If you're a Marvel fan, you'd get the last sentence). PS: I'm not as mental as him though or a badass mercenary. But that would be kind of cool. Because of my comic haul, I've started drawing stuff and did drawing for my bro (and  I've getting paid for it. Ka-ching!) and maybe I'll draw more stuff this summer.


  Anyway, the rest of my twenty-something days will go down uninteresting. Maybe. I'll probably spend it in the comic book shop looking for more goodies (and variant covers). Annnnnd, maybe by chance I'll see this new cute guy that I'm crushing on. He plays soccer, loves indie music, has his own blog AND he collects comic books!? *insert fangirl-y sqeal here*. How sweet is that!! *cough* and he's pretty cute *cough*. He pretty much fits the definition of  "my dream guy".

  Oh, and if it's kind of confusing, dear friend, I tend to change crushes as much as I takes showers. And seeing as it's mondo hot this summer, showers are very much frequent. Hah! Perfect analogy for the circumstance. But seriously, this dude seems pretty legit and I think he's pretty cool and seems really nice too (though, we haven't really met...yet). So, whatever. Life will find a way. It's either Miracles, Mysteries or Mishaps. (I should change my title to that. Hmmmm)

  Whatever.

  See yah, I'm off to save the multiverse from aliens. 'Til next time! *insert bro-fist sequence*

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Excerpts From The Best Summer Of My Life

#NowPlaying: Lights Out, Words Gone by Bombay Bicycle Club// You Could Be Happy by Cameron Mitchell (Snow Patrol Cover)

Dear Friend,

  Now that it is officially the last day of April, I'd like to share with you all the wonderful and unexpected things that had happened this past month. I guess I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. Though, I'm sort of bitter about something and therefore  I type with the velocity of a speeding truck. Note: That said 'something' is very shallow and it too shall pass. Let's begin.
  
  When I started this summer, I was looking forward to meeting new people. New people, new friends, new me. That was the mantra. Within three days, that completely backfired and I constantly came to class inwardly frustrated. Aside from having to learn during summer, I didn't even know these people. We were all strangers minding our own business. It was aggravating to sit inside a classroom with awkward silences and the treacherous feeling of being judged. And trust me, crushing on one of your classmates does not help. I was starting to think that maybe I'd end the summer making no progress whatsoever. I'd constantly come home tired and with nothing to do and feeling like and idiot, asking myself "Why did I even sign up for this?".

  Three weeks, dear friend. Three weeks of getting up in the morning and seeing people I probably wont see in six months time. So I got to thinking, "Why should I care?". The most I could do was endure the last week of torture and insecurity. It'll be over soon.

  But you know, I say this now: Looking back, there were so many great things that had happened this summer and let alone, this month. I guess it's true what they say-- "You never know what you have until it's gone". Okay, maybe it's too shallow to use such an deep analogy, but really. I guess, I was just to busy thinking about myself and restricting myself from the world to see that I could've done so much better.

  So, I could say, I've made the very best of this week. I can actually smile and think about myself when I go off to college. It's sad that I had to wait the last week, but hey, that's what I'm usually good at. Waiting for the end to catch the train. So here's the short summary of the bestest of summer memories I've had this year:

  I was able to befriend some people from my class: a girl from the school right across ours, and a girl who apparently lives in my village as well. It's funny and quite ironic because, well, they were polar opposites of each other and yet, I managed to hang out with them. I am an introvert. But to see myself get to talk and mingle with such people, it was a refreshing feeling. Expect the unexpected, as they say. I really do hope we keep in touch because I'm really happy I met them. I'm really happy that I got to (quote-unquote) meet the four boys too. They pretty much brought the humor to our class and I know it wouldn't be the same without them. For everyone else, they're awesome. No exception. And I'll miss them all.

  The class party was definitely friggin awesome. I mean, for once, the awkward silence helped us to loosen up a bit. We were stuck in that room for an hour, so we eventually got to talk each other, crack some jokes and just finally be ourselves. Drawing on whiteboards, making fun of each other. It was all so fun. We even had free pizza. Getting to fool around and get to know each other was so unexpected. Yet, it was what I've been waiting for this whole time.Though, I have to admit I was being bombarded with butterflies in my stomach and the case of the 'shy giggles', I made it through. My fingers are crossed, I hope he didn't notice. And if he did, then sayonara. Because that would be super awkward.

  At the end of the party, we all ended up inviting each other for a group lunch. It was cool because, we we're actually taking the initiative to hang out with each other. We ended up in this milkshake place and I opted to treat everyone. Albeit, I partly regret losing all my money to by those milkshakes I don't regret that opportunity of trying to make friends. Politeness is often misunderstood, as I said. And though I did buy everyone milkshakes just as an excuse to buy a certain someone a milkshake, it was all fucking awesome. We all got to talk and to hang out, take a group picture, exchange Twitters and Instagrams and cellphone numbers. By the end of the day, we all formed a bond filled with laughs and somehow, it felt as if we've been friends for quite some time. I was happy.

  Note: I'm also bitter. But I blame a certain sunglassed jerk. Kidding. Not really. Whatever.

  Above is a picture of my review-mates and I at the milkshake place.

  I apologize for the rather abundant dichotomies in this letter. Summer was a whirlwind adventure.

  I can't wait for another.


Love Always,
Yasmeen

Coming To A Close: Summer Part One

#NowPlaying: Slow and Steady by Of Monsters and Men

Dear Friend,

  As the month of April quickly draws to a close, I'd like to say that within the span of 30 days, I learned quite a lot. And that these four weeks have opened up my eyes to a lot of things. As you know, I've been stuck in summer review for the whole month and, I can't believe I am actually saying this but... I'm really happy I did. Yes, I'm very happy that I was stuck in a classroom for a whole month with a bunch of people I've never met. Why? Because besides the fact that I actually made friends (unexpectedly I may add), I got to experience being on my own with different sorts of people and to get out of my comfort zone. Let's face it, I probably wont see my high school friends in three years time, or if I do then it would be one of those awkward "hey I know you but I don't know if you remember me" stares where you walk right past each other vigorously trying not to make eye contact. If I do somehow end up being friends with my high school buddies 'til college, well, then I clearly haven't learned anything the past four years.

  As I've said, April. I wasn't expecting April to be fun at all seeing as I clearly hate school and the idea of adding an extra month was torturous. But I met some great people. And though I highly doubt we'd ever be friends or remember each other in the next six months, it's the small moments you get to know each other that you actually build lasting friendships. Getting to know someone is a choice. Unlike high school (mine at least), you're stuck in a classroom for eight hours with the same people and you're practically forced to know these people. Note: I don't really care to do such thing. That last line made me sound like a total douchebag, but really, you chose the people you want to know. And, if you've learned anything from reading my past letters, then you know I have a knack for highly interesting people. People who think, act and say things differently. Those are the people I want to meet. Y'know, just like collecting Pokemon but people. Okay, bad comparison.

  Back to the topic. Aside from meeting spectacular human beings, I was able to learn some stuff too. And even though I hate school, learning these stuff was pretty helpful. It also gave me a mental slap in the face about college. I have a little over a year then I'd be saying goodbye to late nights playing video games and saying hello to late nights studying Calculus or doing a group project surrounded by tons of empty coffee cups. In short, my time is limited. And this is where it sinks in that I'm not a kid anymore. I have to start thinking about the future and what I want to do with my life. I can go pretend like all of this is not happening but I won't. College is a whole different perspective with a whole different environment. Sure you might know a couple of people there, but the bottom line is that you're a nobody there. 99.9% of college newbies are. So it's up to me to make something for myself and wriggle out of my 'awkward-ness shell' and to stop being a pussy. Life isn't full of rainbows and motherf*cking unicorns. Society is horrible and more often than not, we don't really help. Unless you're some kind of philanthropist (which I one day hope to be) then you're not really better than anyone else. Ps: I meant that in the nicest way possible. I really do.

  Sigh... Forgive me, but thinking about the future stresses me out. And I'm having one of those enlightenment episodes again. I think I'm on a sugar high.

  Anyway, I have a month of summer left. And, like any normal person, I'd probably hit the beach or draw more comic book characters. Oh and get my shit together before Senior Year starts. I'm in a whole load of shit as we speak. So, two day left in April. I should make better friends soon. Someone who'd take me to Coachellas and Comic Cons. Yep, that'd be awesome.

  Tell me how you're summer goes, you wonderful human being you! Surfs up!

Love Always,
Yasmeen