Inner Demons

#NowPlaying: Demons by Imagine Dragons (one of my all-time favorite songs)

Dear Friend,

  Before I start babbling on and on about what this past week has been, I'd like to apologize for the 'somewhat--hiatus' that I have been on (there is probably no one left reading these letters).I blame laziness and the lack or internet connection for this, mostly the laziness. I probably said in a handful of letters ago that I have had nothing occurring in my life that is worth even mentioning. Well, guess what. Be careful what you wish for. Within the start of this week, I've had one of the 'highest-lows' in the history of being me. I've had my unfair share of bad days, but last Tuesday just made it into the 'Hall of Infamy of Shitty Days'. Yes sir, it was that bad. As much as I hate reliving or even as much as recalling these days, it is permanently inked into my brain so I might as well let out my thoughts about it.

  If I haven't told you yet, I suffer from awful panic attacks. Not the kind where you go heinous and just randomly pass out. Though very similar to it, my panic attacks are extremely bothersome and well, let's just say it is equivalent to two hours (at the least) worth of crying, shaking and wailing. The worst was when I had to lock myself in a legit closet because (a) I'm somewhat claustrophobic, (b) I couldn't bear to see anyone at that time and (c) it was the only place I felt safe. Kind of crazy, right? Well, yeah. I've had these panic attacks more often. They used to happen every once in awhile, but lately my emotions have gone haywire and of the roof. So yeah.

  I had one last Monday night (complete with scars and everything, if you know what I mean) and another on Tuesday morning. Prior to my breakdown, I was already partially upset and I had over-dosed myself with pills (don't dare do this, kids) and had scars decorating my left wrist. Oh you can imagine the joy in my life *insert sarcastic laugh here*. I had two triggers for that day, one was the absolute annoyance that is him and second was the realization that someone saw through my crumbling walls.

  To cut the story short, I stayed in the guidance office for the whole day, I was miserable, sobbing uncontrollably and I was pretty druggy. After a days worth of talking to my counselor, I can tell you that I've learned so much from her and that I've come to terms with some of my inner demons.

  I guess the most relevant thing I've learned is that I have this fear of being loved (having people care for me) and also a fear of getting attached to people. I have major trust issues. I don't like people seeing me at my lowest points and I never let them close enough. Maybe it was because I have let so many people in who have left me with scars that I was tired. I was terrified of that last part of me being so vulnerable. I was closed off. I refused to feel the things I do, all the sadness and hate. I pretended that everything was okay. but it wasn't. But, it's something I'll have to face soon. People will bend and break you, but it's up to you if you want to remain broken.

  So here's the moral of this story: Acknowledge the things that hurt you. All your demons, weaknesses and shortcomings. All of that. I saw an inspirational tweet today that said: "Believe you can and you're halfway there" (Thank you, Alfie Deyes!). I think that's a good way to start that change. I know for me, isn't going to be easy, but if I want to be happy, I have to help myself and let the happiness in. I also realized how many people actually care about me, even those people I least expected to give a shit. I was overwhelmed with the amout of love and concern people showed me during that day and the following days. Maybe letting people in isn't such a bad thing. At that, I guess I'm alright. Not exactly happy, but not exactly sad at the moment. I guess that's better than nothing

  By the way, I've been really hung up on comic books lately. They're what keeps me going... and also the soccer-comic geek guy that I really like. *insert super blush face here*. What's life without a little inspiration, right?

Love Always,
Yasmeen