Strangers We Are

W#NowPlaying: Young Blood by The Naked and Famous

Dear Friend,

  I'll say this upfront: I've probably had one of the shittiest months in the span of my whole existence. If you haven't already noticed, I've had so much stress than you could ever imagine. Class elections are coming up and I'm making sure to steer clear from that. I so don't need more crap in my life. My goal is to graduate and pass my dream school-- not end up as a fucking carcass halfway through senior year. To be honest, I'm so eager to head to college. I can't even count how many times I've said this, but I'm guessing it's a lot. I'm absolutely terrified, but I know for sure it will be so much better than this hell called high school.

  Although this may sound absurd, I'm am motivated and inspired by strangers. Yes, complete strangers. I know this sounds super weird, but I'm the type of person who goes looking for things/people on the internet and and up finding something more than I came to look for. In layman's terms, I'm kind of stalker-ish. Not the whole 'follow you everywhere you go' type, that's psycho. I just find interest in other people's life so much more than mine. I like knowing about people and the epitome of their existence. It feels like reading a character off a book, except they're real and they're alive. I may have probably freaked you out by now, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who is (what I would like to call) 'unreasonably curious'.

  So this week, I've come to roam once again around the interweb and found more people that kind of inspire me. The little facts I've come to know here and there, making up one coherent whole. It's glorious. There's this guy who I am kind of crushing on. I think he's pretty cool. Yes, I've been rushing on many guys (soccer-comic geek guy is still my number one) but I think this other guy is pretty neat! It's cool cause him and the soccer guy are good friends now. They're both college guys (which makes them pretty hot in my book) and  they just make me smile. I got to thinking that maybe someday, I'd meet people like them when my time comes. And since it's between you and me, I have to admit that one of the main reasons I'm excited for college is the unlimited amount of hot guys. Yeah, such a trivial thing.

  Also, I'm starting to figure out who I am, amidst all the inner turmoil I've been going through. I am a giver, at best. I never fail at trying to make people happy. I'm so concerned with pleasing other people who don't give two shits. But I do it anyway because I care too much. I always try to be someone I'm not that it's hard to remember who I was before my inward apocalypse. But slowly, my walls are falling and I'm letting them down for a reason. I'm starting to let the light in. And although it burns my eyes at first sight, I can feel the warmth the radiates from it. I've found so many things I'm passionate about. I've set my goals and my dreams and it feels wonderful.

  Strangers we are, dear friend. We are all strangers to each other, sometimes even to ourselves. But at some point we open up and let people in our lives. It feels scary at first, but then everything is okay again and you finally feel happy.

  I hope you find the perfect strangers who'd help you open your eyes too.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Inner Demons

#NowPlaying: Demons by Imagine Dragons (one of my all-time favorite songs)

Dear Friend,

  Before I start babbling on and on about what this past week has been, I'd like to apologize for the 'somewhat--hiatus' that I have been on (there is probably no one left reading these letters).I blame laziness and the lack or internet connection for this, mostly the laziness. I probably said in a handful of letters ago that I have had nothing occurring in my life that is worth even mentioning. Well, guess what. Be careful what you wish for. Within the start of this week, I've had one of the 'highest-lows' in the history of being me. I've had my unfair share of bad days, but last Tuesday just made it into the 'Hall of Infamy of Shitty Days'. Yes sir, it was that bad. As much as I hate reliving or even as much as recalling these days, it is permanently inked into my brain so I might as well let out my thoughts about it.

  If I haven't told you yet, I suffer from awful panic attacks. Not the kind where you go heinous and just randomly pass out. Though very similar to it, my panic attacks are extremely bothersome and well, let's just say it is equivalent to two hours (at the least) worth of crying, shaking and wailing. The worst was when I had to lock myself in a legit closet because (a) I'm somewhat claustrophobic, (b) I couldn't bear to see anyone at that time and (c) it was the only place I felt safe. Kind of crazy, right? Well, yeah. I've had these panic attacks more often. They used to happen every once in awhile, but lately my emotions have gone haywire and of the roof. So yeah.

  I had one last Monday night (complete with scars and everything, if you know what I mean) and another on Tuesday morning. Prior to my breakdown, I was already partially upset and I had over-dosed myself with pills (don't dare do this, kids) and had scars decorating my left wrist. Oh you can imagine the joy in my life *insert sarcastic laugh here*. I had two triggers for that day, one was the absolute annoyance that is him and second was the realization that someone saw through my crumbling walls.

  To cut the story short, I stayed in the guidance office for the whole day, I was miserable, sobbing uncontrollably and I was pretty druggy. After a days worth of talking to my counselor, I can tell you that I've learned so much from her and that I've come to terms with some of my inner demons.

  I guess the most relevant thing I've learned is that I have this fear of being loved (having people care for me) and also a fear of getting attached to people. I have major trust issues. I don't like people seeing me at my lowest points and I never let them close enough. Maybe it was because I have let so many people in who have left me with scars that I was tired. I was terrified of that last part of me being so vulnerable. I was closed off. I refused to feel the things I do, all the sadness and hate. I pretended that everything was okay. but it wasn't. But, it's something I'll have to face soon. People will bend and break you, but it's up to you if you want to remain broken.

  So here's the moral of this story: Acknowledge the things that hurt you. All your demons, weaknesses and shortcomings. All of that. I saw an inspirational tweet today that said: "Believe you can and you're halfway there" (Thank you, Alfie Deyes!). I think that's a good way to start that change. I know for me, isn't going to be easy, but if I want to be happy, I have to help myself and let the happiness in. I also realized how many people actually care about me, even those people I least expected to give a shit. I was overwhelmed with the amout of love and concern people showed me during that day and the following days. Maybe letting people in isn't such a bad thing. At that, I guess I'm alright. Not exactly happy, but not exactly sad at the moment. I guess that's better than nothing

  By the way, I've been really hung up on comic books lately. They're what keeps me going... and also the soccer-comic geek guy that I really like. *insert super blush face here*. What's life without a little inspiration, right?

Love Always,
Yasmeen

The Balancing Act

#NowPlaying: Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift

Dear Friend,

  So yesterday was quite a whirlwind. Until now, I'm still trying to fathom all that had happened. So I went to a friend's house for an afternoon snack, *cough*cookies*cough, and went to the basketball court to see my friends and then it rained. Not just any kind of rain. It was a freakin monster of a storm. No umbrella or amount of shielding had worked. We were all drenched and battered. We found sanctuary in our friend's house where we were lent clothes and towels , eventually, my friends hitched a ride with me so they could go back to school. That's pretty much a brief summary of that hectic day aka yesterday. But besides the experience of getting soaked in the rain with seven awesome people, it was the feelings harbored and accompanying that moment that made that day a whirlwind.

  I guess I should start by saying that I've been my most conflicted self lately. This might seem a bit odd, but I'm not so happy that I'm happy. You're probably thinking, 'What the actual fuck is this girl saying? Who doesn't want to be happy?'. In this case, I guess, it's me. I can't explain in detail all the things I'm feeling right now, but they've grown deeper than I had expected. I'm literally shaking and tearing up right now because of all the confusion in my head. It feels like a war between my heart and my head, emotions versus better judgement. I'm about to burst and it's only 10 am. And you don't know how much I hate myself right now.

  I'm getting sidetracked again, so I'll just say my piece.

  These past few days have been the best. They've been wonderful, actually. But somewhere in between the laughs and the silly little conversations, I started to feel differently. With every smile makes, I find myself
dumbfounded and stumped. When he said he loved being the first to speak to me, or how he'd put others before himself. His random acts of kindness. That little skip my heart makes and the fact that I can't stop smiling as we speak, I hate all of it. Because I know I shouldn't be feeling any of it. I promised myself I wouldn't go down the road of false pretenses again. And you have no idea how hard I'm trying to fight it off. Then there he is, all perfect an charming and wonderful. All that a girl could ever want and more, but you know you can't fall in love with him because he's way out of your league. And then here I am, head vs heart. I try to keep a straight face and keep my feelings at bay... and then my heart goes and make me do crazy things. People do crazy things well their in love, they say. But sadly, I don't need to be. Being me is reckless enough.

  And you know, that's only part one of the said dilemma. I think I might be harboring feelings for another person as well. He may or may not know this, but I've been in and out of love with him for the longest time. I don't know if he's figured it out yet, but I'm trying so hard to make him see how much I still care about him. I aimed it to be in a friendly way, but it's morphed itself into something more...Ugh. This is where it being human and having human feelings suck big time. Just when you think you're okay, boom. Emotions kick in.
 
  It's a balancing act, my friend. It's where you try to balance friendship and emotions and everything else. The man up in the sky has really been resting me. Sigh.

  And I guess, I'll do what I do best: evading. This is the worst solution, but I'm that type of sucker who loves to run away from problems like hell.

  Good night. You'll be hearing more conflicted thoughts soon...


Love Always,
Yasmeen

Positive Vibes for Rainy Days

#NowPlaying: I'll Be Waiting by Dino Robles


Dear Friend,

  Since the first day of school, I've had days filled with rainy days, quite plenty. But not figuratively! I may be surrounded with thunderstorms and cold mornings, but I've had nothing but positive vibes. These moments come rarely considering I'm not exactly a perky person in general. But something about my atmosphere seems lighter. I don't really know what it is, but I'm appreciating the change of mood. Because, if I'm being terribly honest, I admit I'm probably one of the most crankiest and annoying people you'll ever meet... and things just go from bad to worse during the 'monthlies'.


   But, for some magical reason, I'm feeling great. Sure I've had 'stress breaks' every once and a while, but I'm generally alright. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I'll take it gladly.But if this is a permanent thing, I'd be ecstatic.

  Maybe, somehow, I'll let go of that part of my self that is so used to being so sad and depressed all the time. Or maybe that part of me is suppressed for the mean time and is just waiting to burst back once again.Honestly, I don't know. And, well, I actually hate myself for that-- not knowing. I despise the fact that I can never figure out who I really am and how I really feel. I have to minds, conflicted in one head. And it's not that easy when those voices constantly argue.

  But, anyway.

  Maybe the change of atmosphere has helped. Not a lot of people know, or maybe they've noticed, but I like spending time with my seatmate, Patrick. Before you rush into judgement, I actually don't like him the way everyone expects me too. Yeah, he's pretty good-looking. But, and I actually didn't expect this, I can't imagine liking him as more than a buddy. I swear. I like being around his company and having someone who's actually really nice to me. It also dumbfounds me how nice he is, but I think it's really cool. But yeah, I guess he's one of the reason for my positive mood.

  Second, I've stopped worrying about everything so much. I assume it is equivalent to no really giving a fuck so much. I just accept whatever happens and just go with the flow. I hope I can keep it up. Third, my music choice feels so mellow right now, I feel like a hippie. Plus, plus, for chill vibes.

  Lastly, I'm not sure if I find this a positive or whatever, but I might be developing a microscopic admiration crush on someone I probably shouldn't. This time around though, I won't do anything about it. Maybe distance would work in my favor...

  I hope it rains again tomorrow...



Love Always,
Yasmeen

Naive Feelings Of Love

#NowPlaying: Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran

Dear Friend,

  It is, in fact, a Monday today (when I started writing this). Normally, nothing good comes out of Mondays. But today, I found something pretty interesting in this Monday. Besides spending eight dreadful hours in a 'ziplock', oxygenless room, and filling up the last of my university entrance form, I had an interesting day.

  If you've read my last letter, you'll know that I was slightly crushing on a new kid in my school, Patrick. But you know, dear friend, after spending the whole day with him in the bookstore yesterday, I've come to realize that I don't really like him that much in that way. I've only got to talk to him recently, and I found it amazing how easy it was to open up to him. In a matter of minutes, it felt like we we've know each other for the longest time. Suddenly, all those 'crush-y' feelings went away and I was just talking to a friend.

  All this time, I've always hoped for a guy best friend. Someone who'd always have your back and who you could just be yourself around. Someone who'd listen and genuinely cares. To be honest, guys like that are hard to find. But maybe, I really do hope, that I'd find a good friend in Patrick. Mainly, because it's so easy to talk to him and he reminds me of all the other guy friends I've had, merged into one weirdo. Yes, in the few hours I've spend with him, I can certainly say he's pretty weird. But in a good way! I find his sense of humor endearing and well, he's slightly mental-- all the more reason it would be fun to have him as a friend.

  But I have, well, it's not a problem, but more of a 'frustration'. You see, Patrick here is a pretty good-looking fella. So naturally, all the girls gravitate toward him. But he's the straight-forward type, and he's that genuinely nice and gentleman-ly kind of person which people often confuse because of the charm and charisma he has. All of that is fine. But I find it *cue the capslock* EXTREMELY STUPID when people think they are singularly this kind of persons interest. If it's too vague, what I'm trying to say is people feel oh-so special when nice guys are super nice to them, when in fact nice guys are nice to everyone. Sigh. Also, I find it super annoying how you can claim to be in love with someone after only knowing them for less than four days. Like, c'mon! I've fallen fast a couple of times too. But let me do the honor of shooting you with an arrow to the head when you tell me you're in love with a guy you barely even know. Ugh. I feels like twelve-year old romances again. It's, as the title suggests, naive. Very naive.

I'll update this later. Gotta get to school

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Fuck Titles. I Just Had A Great Day...

#NowPlaying: Trophy Boy by Reese Lansangan

Dear Friend,

  Before I start, I suggest you listen to this song. It's so jolly and fits my mood perfectly! I don't often listen to local indie-ish artist, but I'm am terrible in love with this song. Okay. You can go read now...

  As the title suggests (or lack of one), I had a pretty fucking awesome good day. *insert goofy smile here*. To be honest, I was expecting to have a crappy day, But hey, expect the unexpected right? At first, I was kind of disappointed about the small amount of people in our class compared to the other classes. Also, finding out we were placed in a classroom at the top most floor which had close to no windows at all was not that pleasant. I was swearing bullets and the lack of enough electric fans drove me mad.But all of that changed in an instant when I saw the cute guys sitting over the corner when I got comfortable enough in the classroom and made new friends along the way.... I guess I should tell you about that.

  When break time came, I was pretty ecstatic and, well, hyper. I brought cookies to school (failed cookies) and thank God my friends ate them  even though they tasted horrible. Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. You're the best-est friends ever. After my weirdo friends ate my cookies, I went over to hang out with my other friend (since-- for some weird reason-- my teachers and friends were talking about...incest. I literally ran before my ear started bleeding from their conversation) and my friend Sabrina and I chatted with out new classmate who happens to be Korean! Her name's Cate (I thinks that's how her name is spelled) and she's pretty cool and super nice *insert happy smile here*. The culture and language barrier wasn't so difficult to break through as all three of us started to get to know each other and have a genuinely nice conversation. I do hope we get to hang out more because I like being around her cheery personality.

  Okay, so while chatting with Cate and Sabrina, over to my left was my other friend Marco, talking to the cute new kid. Seeing as I'm reckless, slightly crazy and act out at random moments, I started annoying Marco which was pretty fun. After a while, he introduced the new kid to the three of us. I was slightly flustered, but I managed to keep my cool. The new guy introduced himself as Patrick in a gentleman-ly way. *swoon*. Even his name is cute. Fuck. Let's pretend I didn't just say that, okay? Okay. So We chatted with him for a while, I asked what school he came from before and he even asked what my name was. *insert fangirling noise here*. Well, he asked everyone... but still! He's just so c-u-t-e!! On a serious, I admire how he's not a jerk at all. He was really nice and polite and pretty fcking awesome. So after talking for a short while, he left...but not before saying "It was nice meeting you guys!" in the most FUCKING ADORABLE way. This is the only time I'm going to say this but: Asdfghjkl. My "feels" are acting up again.

  Whew.

  There isn't really  much left to say except I hung out at Starbucks with some pretty awesome people and played 2k13 for about 10 minutes cause I gave up after losing badly.I'm not a quitter. I just suck at that game. Ha Ha Ha.

  That ends the days mishaps and wonders, dear friend. I hope to talk to you soon!

Love Always,
Yasmeen

PS: I'm not saying I'm back in love and all that shit. I'm having just a tiny crush. :) and the picture above just sounds cool for the event. I give up on the whole concept of love. And this time, I'm just planning to not get affected by my feelings. Meaning, no more chasing guys who'll only break your heart. Kbye.

Here's To Never Growing Up

#NowPlaying: Try Hard by 5 Seconds of Summer

Dear Friend,

  So, to be straightforward, I'll be back in the hell hole known as school in, oh wait, tomorrow. Yup, horray for Senior year *insert sarcastic laugh here*.Now that the time has finally come, I must admit... I do not want to go back. But hey, I have to if I want to get a decent job someday. Okay. So, I'm still trying to let this sink in because, I guess, some part of me doesn't want to grow up yet. Though, I've been told that I already think waaay beyond my years, I just don't want to face the future yet.


  So far, I've been enjoying the last day of my summer. Well, because I've been on Adobe Photoshop the whole day and watching PointlessBlog videos. It feels like it's my last day before being sent to the guillotine. Not a good thought, but yeah. I don't look forward to being stuck with the same people in one classroom for another 10 months, but you gotta do what you gotta do. As I've said, I'm going to try to do my absolute best this year. That means: No Distractions. No Sidetracks. Just focus, focus, focus  But the reality of that is I probably will get distracted along the way. I always do. But I have a vengeance, and I think that's a good enough drive to keep me going. Plus, since I'm saving up to buy my precious Penny board, then I'll have no money to go out with my friends. I guess it's a win-win situation. Woohoo. *insert miserable face here*.

  Kidding aside, I'm really happy that I'll get to see my friends. And by friends, I mean like five people I actually give a damn about. It's gonna get crazy tomorrow, so I'll have lots of stories to tell you along the way. I'm sorry if this is such a short letter, but I promise I'll make it up to you tomorrow!

 Love you loads!

Love Always,
Yasmeen