Excerpts From The Best Summer Of My Life

#NowPlaying: Lights Out, Words Gone by Bombay Bicycle Club// You Could Be Happy by Cameron Mitchell (Snow Patrol Cover)

Dear Friend,

  Now that it is officially the last day of April, I'd like to share with you all the wonderful and unexpected things that had happened this past month. I guess I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. Though, I'm sort of bitter about something and therefore  I type with the velocity of a speeding truck. Note: That said 'something' is very shallow and it too shall pass. Let's begin.
  
  When I started this summer, I was looking forward to meeting new people. New people, new friends, new me. That was the mantra. Within three days, that completely backfired and I constantly came to class inwardly frustrated. Aside from having to learn during summer, I didn't even know these people. We were all strangers minding our own business. It was aggravating to sit inside a classroom with awkward silences and the treacherous feeling of being judged. And trust me, crushing on one of your classmates does not help. I was starting to think that maybe I'd end the summer making no progress whatsoever. I'd constantly come home tired and with nothing to do and feeling like and idiot, asking myself "Why did I even sign up for this?".

  Three weeks, dear friend. Three weeks of getting up in the morning and seeing people I probably wont see in six months time. So I got to thinking, "Why should I care?". The most I could do was endure the last week of torture and insecurity. It'll be over soon.

  But you know, I say this now: Looking back, there were so many great things that had happened this summer and let alone, this month. I guess it's true what they say-- "You never know what you have until it's gone". Okay, maybe it's too shallow to use such an deep analogy, but really. I guess, I was just to busy thinking about myself and restricting myself from the world to see that I could've done so much better.

  So, I could say, I've made the very best of this week. I can actually smile and think about myself when I go off to college. It's sad that I had to wait the last week, but hey, that's what I'm usually good at. Waiting for the end to catch the train. So here's the short summary of the bestest of summer memories I've had this year:

  I was able to befriend some people from my class: a girl from the school right across ours, and a girl who apparently lives in my village as well. It's funny and quite ironic because, well, they were polar opposites of each other and yet, I managed to hang out with them. I am an introvert. But to see myself get to talk and mingle with such people, it was a refreshing feeling. Expect the unexpected, as they say. I really do hope we keep in touch because I'm really happy I met them. I'm really happy that I got to (quote-unquote) meet the four boys too. They pretty much brought the humor to our class and I know it wouldn't be the same without them. For everyone else, they're awesome. No exception. And I'll miss them all.

  The class party was definitely friggin awesome. I mean, for once, the awkward silence helped us to loosen up a bit. We were stuck in that room for an hour, so we eventually got to talk each other, crack some jokes and just finally be ourselves. Drawing on whiteboards, making fun of each other. It was all so fun. We even had free pizza. Getting to fool around and get to know each other was so unexpected. Yet, it was what I've been waiting for this whole time.Though, I have to admit I was being bombarded with butterflies in my stomach and the case of the 'shy giggles', I made it through. My fingers are crossed, I hope he didn't notice. And if he did, then sayonara. Because that would be super awkward.

  At the end of the party, we all ended up inviting each other for a group lunch. It was cool because, we we're actually taking the initiative to hang out with each other. We ended up in this milkshake place and I opted to treat everyone. Albeit, I partly regret losing all my money to by those milkshakes I don't regret that opportunity of trying to make friends. Politeness is often misunderstood, as I said. And though I did buy everyone milkshakes just as an excuse to buy a certain someone a milkshake, it was all fucking awesome. We all got to talk and to hang out, take a group picture, exchange Twitters and Instagrams and cellphone numbers. By the end of the day, we all formed a bond filled with laughs and somehow, it felt as if we've been friends for quite some time. I was happy.

  Note: I'm also bitter. But I blame a certain sunglassed jerk. Kidding. Not really. Whatever.

  Above is a picture of my review-mates and I at the milkshake place.

  I apologize for the rather abundant dichotomies in this letter. Summer was a whirlwind adventure.

  I can't wait for another.


Love Always,
Yasmeen

Coming To A Close: Summer Part One

#NowPlaying: Slow and Steady by Of Monsters and Men

Dear Friend,

  As the month of April quickly draws to a close, I'd like to say that within the span of 30 days, I learned quite a lot. And that these four weeks have opened up my eyes to a lot of things. As you know, I've been stuck in summer review for the whole month and, I can't believe I am actually saying this but... I'm really happy I did. Yes, I'm very happy that I was stuck in a classroom for a whole month with a bunch of people I've never met. Why? Because besides the fact that I actually made friends (unexpectedly I may add), I got to experience being on my own with different sorts of people and to get out of my comfort zone. Let's face it, I probably wont see my high school friends in three years time, or if I do then it would be one of those awkward "hey I know you but I don't know if you remember me" stares where you walk right past each other vigorously trying not to make eye contact. If I do somehow end up being friends with my high school buddies 'til college, well, then I clearly haven't learned anything the past four years.

  As I've said, April. I wasn't expecting April to be fun at all seeing as I clearly hate school and the idea of adding an extra month was torturous. But I met some great people. And though I highly doubt we'd ever be friends or remember each other in the next six months, it's the small moments you get to know each other that you actually build lasting friendships. Getting to know someone is a choice. Unlike high school (mine at least), you're stuck in a classroom for eight hours with the same people and you're practically forced to know these people. Note: I don't really care to do such thing. That last line made me sound like a total douchebag, but really, you chose the people you want to know. And, if you've learned anything from reading my past letters, then you know I have a knack for highly interesting people. People who think, act and say things differently. Those are the people I want to meet. Y'know, just like collecting Pokemon but people. Okay, bad comparison.

  Back to the topic. Aside from meeting spectacular human beings, I was able to learn some stuff too. And even though I hate school, learning these stuff was pretty helpful. It also gave me a mental slap in the face about college. I have a little over a year then I'd be saying goodbye to late nights playing video games and saying hello to late nights studying Calculus or doing a group project surrounded by tons of empty coffee cups. In short, my time is limited. And this is where it sinks in that I'm not a kid anymore. I have to start thinking about the future and what I want to do with my life. I can go pretend like all of this is not happening but I won't. College is a whole different perspective with a whole different environment. Sure you might know a couple of people there, but the bottom line is that you're a nobody there. 99.9% of college newbies are. So it's up to me to make something for myself and wriggle out of my 'awkward-ness shell' and to stop being a pussy. Life isn't full of rainbows and motherf*cking unicorns. Society is horrible and more often than not, we don't really help. Unless you're some kind of philanthropist (which I one day hope to be) then you're not really better than anyone else. Ps: I meant that in the nicest way possible. I really do.

  Sigh... Forgive me, but thinking about the future stresses me out. And I'm having one of those enlightenment episodes again. I think I'm on a sugar high.

  Anyway, I have a month of summer left. And, like any normal person, I'd probably hit the beach or draw more comic book characters. Oh and get my shit together before Senior Year starts. I'm in a whole load of shit as we speak. So, two day left in April. I should make better friends soon. Someone who'd take me to Coachellas and Comic Cons. Yep, that'd be awesome.

  Tell me how you're summer goes, you wonderful human being you! Surfs up!

Love Always,
Yasmeen

The Best Day: Summer Lovin'

#NowPlaying: Addicted to Love by Florence + Machine

Dear Friend,

  Give me a second to stop and catch my breath as I am currently bursting with over-whelming joy and I may or may not be hyperventilating right. Inhale. Exhale. Sigh. Alright, here we go. I know this may be a shallow reason why I'm acting like this, but... the guy I kind of sort of like said Hi to me. I know, it's not much, but I really am crushing big time on this guy. He's not like model-type of handsome (to most people, he might not even seem like much) but I think he's kind of charming and funny and his smile is kind of adorable (damn, it's always the smile). So yeah. I've been trying to muster up the courage to talk to him for so long, but I'm an anti-social, shy, awkward turtle so I suck at human interaction.

  I actually waited around for him (not in a stalker-ish way) but I just wanted to see him, you know, before i left. But I kind of gave up on 'slow walking' and just left. I was supposed to go study with one of my new friends, but I don't really know what happened. I swear, I hope she isn't pissed or anything. Sigh. So, in the end, me and my friend just walked around and ended up in McDonald's. That's when she told me she saw him and his friends and I looked over. And of course, me being me, I pretended not to see them while simultaneously freaking out inside. I wont go through the detail anymore but something in my gut told me that today was going to be a weird day for me.

  Eventually, we left after getting take out and then we walked to the bookstore which was conveniently located beside Starbucks. Just when I thought everything was chill and nothing else would happen. There they were, walking out of Starbucks. Admittedly, at this moment I was about to explode into a thesis on how the universe has its way of conspiring against the odds. There was a 1 in 100 chance that we were going to see them the first time. and there was a 1 in 1000 chance that we were going to see them a second time. There goes the universe and shoving those odds in my face. Then it goes and mocks me further. One of the guys says Hi. And, in the history of 'caught of guard' moments in my life, this probably tops the list. Then he goes and says Hi with that adorable, mind-boggling smile that just made me so speechless that I barely had time to react and so I just kind of waved awkwardly and smiled and once they were gone, I ran my way to the bookstore. Score-1 for Loser. What sucks a little bit is I think they saw how flustered I was which was kind of humiliating. In my defense, my shoe almost fell off (I got Cinderella-ed) so I ran. (Yeah, still no excuse).

  At the end of the day, I was all cupcake-y (as my brother calls me) and I immediately started writing before I forget completely. I want to record every single fantastic thing that happens to me. He may or may not be one of them. It's really sad that I only have one week of review left. But, I'm so going to make it count. I'll miss the Fantastic Four (minus one).

  As for A (that's his name, for now), it was kind of fun crushing on someone for a whole month. I know I might not ever see him again because "What happens in summer stays in summer", but maybe someday I will and who knows. I don't know, I'm babbling again. I'm sorry for boring you, dear friend, I just wanted to share a good summer experience with you. Yes, you.

  Thanks, A for making my day as bright as the summer sun (cheesy much?). It's the first time anyone I've seriously been crushing on had said something to me. Today made me smile.

  Alright, back to shitty days!

  Adios.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

Sweet Disposition

#NowPlaying: Sad by Maroon 5

Dear Friend,

  It was
two o'clock in the morning when I started writing this. Everyone's asleep while I just finished watching season one of Awkward.and I was more than content with my 'series marathon'  ( I could hear myself constantly saying "Damn I wish I had my own  Matty McKibben or Jake Rosati up in here" Awkward girls aren't normally as lucky as Jenna).I originally planned for a movie marathon but watching Silence of The Lambs and the rest of American Horror Story all alone in midnight doesn't seem to appealing. So, here I am trying to fall asleep but I can't 'cause my nocturnal cycle is fucked up and I may or not be having drastic mood swings.

  You want to know something funny (yeah, I don't find it funny. Okay, maybe just a little bit)? As it turns out, Stephan just missed his flight and had to re-book to this Tuesday, the 28th, because he got into some trouble. Hahahaha *insert sarcasm*. Ultimately, it means that he's still here in the country and, for some reason, there's something about him that won't let him leave. I wish I could say it was the words unsaid or things undone, but that would be wishful thinking . He was supposed to leave in the 11th, but he didn't. He was dropped in the airport last Thursday, he missed his flight. I mean, seriously, it's like there's like this cosmic conspiracy telling him that something has to happen. Maybe it's just me (most likely it is) but... I really want something to happen. I want closure and his current situation isn't helping. I needed to know that everything would be alright.

  On the brighter side of life, I may or may not be crushing on a guy from my review class. I call him The Grinch because he kind of smiles weird, but that's just my way of saying "Hey, he's kind of cute". He's one of those bastard who I kept on complaining about but after the two weeks I've spent tolerating their noise and inevitably listening to their conversations, I've come to love them. It was his birthday last Friday and his friends kept on bringing up his birthday. He felt kind of shy about it, I could tell. And some part of me feels af if they were trying to point out something. I don't know. I mean, the pretty girl in our class greeted him. I thought he'd be thrilled by that, but I can't help but wonder if maybe, he wanted someone else to greet him (?). Excuse me, dear friend, I tend to be over-analytic sometimes. I do that a lot.

  I don't know. But from those several moments I caught him smiling at my direction (the table where I was sitting), or the way he'd walk even the slightest bit slower when he passes by me, or him and his friend's flower drawing which they posted on the white board which was kind of odd seeing as I kept on drawing flowers all over my textbook as well, it was enough evidence to at least try and make something of it. And enough for a tiny crush to develop. Teehee. I'm trying not get way in over my head (because that happens a lot). But I'm totally not getting my hopes up because (a) we dont talk, (b) we just communicate through smiles, (c) he seems one of those upscale cool kids and, most importantly (d) I'm just as attractive as a hippopotamus and if you've seen one, you'd know they're not really pretty. At. All.

  Alright, well, I need some sleep and I need to study this weekend because I have mock-test for University entrance exams and a math diagnostic next week (which I miserably failed the last time). Damn, I wish we just had SATs like other fortunate countries...

  Try watching Awkward too. And maybe searching for a photo of a hippopotamus as a reminder of me.

  Don't forget to be awesome. (Hey ho, John Green's motto).

  Bye. And Happy Birthday 17th Birthday, Weirdo.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

To Him, With Love

#NowPlaying: Endlessly by The Cab

Dear Friend,

  The great love of my life is probably on a plane right now to Japan or God-knows-where. What sucks about this is that I never got to see him again since that day. No last words, no, nothing at all. It feels really shitty. But honestly, wherever he is, I hope he's happy. Three years worth of memories. And even if I was just a small fraction of those memories, I could only hope I was at least the relevant part. I hope so.

  I guess, that whatever I thought we had, though probably made up in my head, was one of the best things I've ever had. I'd never know if he'd feel the same, but I kept up my part. He was my special Valentine. The most amazing, heart-racing, fairy tale-ending slow dance. And I find myself missing him more each time I think of him. Admittedly, he's not on my mind as much as before. But when he is, I can't help but feel kind of sad or look up at the stars. I've finally come to terms that I may have loved him, but I always knew he was not the one. I've accepted that he left, he's gone and that if he ever comes back, we'll be strangers once again. That's how life is, as bitter as it may seem.

  I won't torture myself by wondering when he last thought of me or if there were words he may have wanted to say but never had the chance. It would be way too painful, endlessly waiting for that. But, one day, I'd be able to let go and just look back and smile. Dear friend, life is way to short to hold on to something so much to believe that something will last forever. I have the option of believing that he will be the only one I'd ever love for the rest of my life, but that option is too foolish to take. I want to grow as a person, to live experiences, make mistakes, find the simple joys and even have my heart broken a couple more times (23 and counting), because life is meant to progress. Not just stuck in one phase. 

  What's next? I don't know. I know I told you that I might have been falling for my best friend, but it's not something I want to pursue. He's not really worth it. And I find people who depend too much on love too foolhardy and a bit naive. Love is good, but priority is key. I have priorities and dreams to achieve. I have so much more to offer and being caught up with feelings won't help me get to where I want to be. I personally hate people who put "love" above everything else because, as I usually point out, "love" (note the quotation marks) is often very much temporary. For me, I love wholeheartedly and it's just not "love" (quotation marks), it takes me a whole lot of time to get over someone I like very much (six months, or maybe forever). This will take time, but I know I'll be able to move on someday.

  To Stephan, I hope he's happy with the choices he made and the things he has or hasn't done. I hope he won't forget. Maybe someday he'd look up at the stars when he feels sad or lonely and remember that someone once loved him more that everything. I hope he'd be able to find someone who'll love him unconditionally, someday. I wish him all the best and I wish one day he'd realize that he was something great to someone.  I'll miss him. So. Damn. Much. And that I hope he misses me too.

  I love him.

  John Green once said, "You don't get to chose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you". That's one of the best quotes I've read in forever.

  And I hope he likes his choices.

  I like mine.

Love Always,

Yasmeen

In My Life: The Confession

NowPlaying: The Fog by Kara's Flowers

Dear Friend

   Be forewarned. What I'm about to share with you is something very personal. I hope you won't judge or think of me as an awful person (because I already know I am) and I hope that you'll still be here after all of this. I really need a friend right now.

  I know you probably already know a lot about me, seeing as I write to you frequently. Things seem to be looking up, you'd think. Well, I'm far from okay. I can't ever remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I know I told you being around Stephan made me happy. And it did. But I was that kind of happiness that would only last momentarily. I was bit unfair to Stephan, I guess. And I'll tell you why in just a bit.

  Let me be frank and tell you this: I've been struggling with depression for the last four years.I know you'd probably heard this from a lot of other people, but depression is way scarier than it sounds. It's not something that just comes and goes, it's like a long winding dark tunnel. It's frightening and lonely and you're constantly wanting to find a way out. But never do...

  As for me, I guess I have a couple of reasons why I'm pretty fucked up. I know other people have greater reasons, but depression is depression. In reality, even if someone had worse problems than you ultimately won't change the way you feel about your life. That kind of shit rarely happens in real life. You just continue to feel bad about yourself.

  Today was a rough day. But rough days occur quite a lot in my life. I just told my mom that I was depressed and that I had been for a really long time. It was hard and my eyes were swollen from crying, but I was able to. I told her about how I self-harmed a lot and she told we she was scared. To tell the truth, I am too. But yeah. She told me she wanted me to see a psychologist. Let me tell you, that's probably the last thing you'd want to hear from your parents. So, I told her how much I hated everything (to some extent) and  how I was pretty good at hiding my feelings so people don't know when something's wrong with me. Woot.

  I stopped cutting last February. That was when Stephan happened.Two months of no cuts or bruises. It felt nice to feel happy for once. But as I said, I was a bit unfair to him. I kind of used him as a temporary escape to my problems. That was selfish of me. I'm really happy I met him. I mean. Temporary happiness is better than no happiness right?

  I'd go through the many reasons why I'm depressed but that would take too long. But for convenience's sake, I'll put three. A traumatic childhood. Never being good enough. And being absolutely insignificant.

  I know, everything I just wrote is a bit vague and hard to understand but I'm tired and messed up and tired. Goodnight.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

I Want To Hold Your Hand

#NowPlaying: Across The Universe by The Beatles

Dear Friend,

  I don't really know how to tell you or how to explain it really, but here goes nothing. Sigh. I think I might be falling in love with my best friend. Well, or at least he's the closest thing to a guy best friend since (a) he knows things about me that no one, and I mean no fucking one knows, (b) he always knew when something was bothering me (c) he never judged me for all the wrong things about me and, (d) he was always willing to help me out. I could tell you a lot more things and the stuff we used to do together but that would take too long and bore you. But, sweet Jesus, I'm in deep shit right now.

  Oh god, I might be in love with my best friend.Shit. There are worse situations to be in, but this one is pretty shitty. He's kind of amazing, and I'm kind of not. He that kind of spectacular, breath-taking, unpredictable, and slightly crazy kind of beautiful. Kind of like the male version of Alaska Young (see: last letter). I haven't met a lot of people who I find interesting in this world, and he's one of the few (by few I mean, like, less than ten). I just... God, this feeling sucks. He's gorgeous; I'm awkward. He was undeniably fascinating, and I was perpetually uninteresting. He was sunshine; I was a John Green, "If people were rain, I was drizzle and he was hurricane”.

  This kind of started ever since I met him. but of course, he never found out. No one ever did. Kept it to myself the whole time. And, for all the years I have, I kinda found little ways to feel closer to him. The jokes, the hugs, the small conversations-- everything. Maybe, I loved him before, I just didn't acknowledge it enough. (Yeah, right). But there had always been something that when I hug him or see him smile or in the words he speaks to me that makes my heart skip a little, and leaves my cheeks burning red. I always thought he might have noticed how I treat him somewhat differently, but luckily he hasn't.

  This kinda puts me in a fine predicament. Just as the star-crossed love of my life is leaving for some state in the United States, I start to fall for my best friend. Fuck this.

  Why did I have to dream repeatedly about him? Different dream, different day, same circumstance. I dream that we're together, him and I. It ultimately sucks for many reasons. Namely, (a) he's in a relationship and not be bias at all, but I find it kind of messed up and his girlfriend irks me, (b) I'll probably never get a chance at him because, well, I'm me and (c) I'm so infatuated with the thought of him and those dreams; they feel so real and lifelike that it's frustrating and a bit weird. But, damn do they give me butterflies.

  Dear friend, I kinda need a bit of help here. What should I do? Because, let's face it, being in love with your best friend hurts and is kind of confusing Have would you deal with this situation? Sigh.

  I'm might be hanging out with him tomorrow. And, I guess, that would be the highlight of my day.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

The Great Perhaps

#NowPlaying: Stay by Rihanna ft. Mikey Ekko

Dear Friend,

  It's a holiday today, from where I'm from. Not really sure what we're celebrating, but I'm thankful for it. At least I get a day off from review classes and those rude bastards. I cherish every second of spare time I have, though have of it is spent being patient with unbelievably slow internet connection. Shit.

  I just finished reading Looking for Alaska today. Completely loved it. I started yesterday and would've finished sooner if I hadn't fallen asleep. It got me thinking about the labyrinth of suffering, and seeking my own great perhaps. I mean, Miles was able to find his, I should be able to, right? Now, if you haven't read the book, I suggest you do. It's one of those books that gets you thinking without the presence of great big plots or over-complicated words (those over-complicated words were kept to a minimal). The book had me thinking on and on about finding my own Alaska Young, going on adventures and experiencing things I never could have imagine myself doing. I mean, we all want someone who could completely change us to enter our lives. Sadly, not all of us are that completely fortunate. But that thought sure won't stop me from looking anyway. Certainly not. Also for that labyrinth thing. Maybe, the best was out of it is to forgive. I'm not sold on Miles' idea 100%, but I guess it's worth trying. Forgive others, and to forgive yourself.

  (Also, I'm sorry, dear friend. I talk about characters as if they're my friend, or as if I actually know them personally, which I don't. But, boy, do I wish I did, and that they were real)

  Do you ever wish you could find someone who could change you monumentally? To the point where you don't even remember who you were in the past? I do. I'd like to think I have met that person, but I know for a fact that I'll meet someone greater, and who'll change me infinitely. He's coming. I just don't know it. Someone will come for you too, I assure. So we'll both wait. Until then, people will come and go and that will be part of life.Suck-ish, suck-ish life.

  I remember multiple people me that 'life is beautiful' (and I clearly recall saying that to people in return). But really, it's just another way of saying 'life doesn't suck that bad'. Newsflash, I kinda does. But then again, I read something about this guy's enlightenment that there is no best nor is there a worst. There is only what it is. I don't know if that made sense to you, but I'd like to think that it's a pretty good enlightenment. I want to have my own enlightenment too, but I can wait a few more years for that.

  Look, someday, years from now, most of what has happened would be irrelevant to us. There will be days in the archive of the life of a human being that will be relevant, though. Those days will probably be marked will blue highlighter soaking through the paper, and will probably be the only ones worth remembering. So far, I could say that our archive is only a small fraction of what it will be five years from now, moreover fifty years from now or even twenty years from now. It just gets bigger and bigger, my friend. I'd also like to think that many human beings, like myself, have a fear of being forgotten. But in the long run, it will be a give and take process. We forget as much as we are forgotten (with only a selected few as exceptions). But you see, these days and people are relevant as much as they irrelevant. Without them, life ceases to exist or shape in to the way it is. So far not of being forgotten or irrelevant, I say. Because we will never be both.

  Forgive me, dear friend, for I have bored you with one of my philosophical sessions  yet again. I'm quite talkative in this sense for a teenager. It's a curse, I reckon.

  Whatever. If you need me, I'll be blogging. (Hence, Project Miscellaneous in the tab above)

  I hope you find your Great Perhaps and your own way out of the labyrinth as well. Good luck.

  Oh, and read the book. And if you have, read it again.

  Bye.

Love Always,
Yasmeen  

A Wonderful Weekend

#NowPlaying: The Road by Cameron Mitchell

Dear Friend,

  I, for one, think weekends are notoriously short. I'd like to give a piece of my mind to the person who conceptualized 'weekends'. And tell him he's stupid. Very stupid. But, of course, who ever he may be, he's probably dead. Oh well. There is no point in complaining about it just as I did because, well, like many complaints-- it's useless.

  Though this weekend has been very short, I'd like to think it was somewhat productive for many reasons. For one, I was able to clean out my shelves and drawers from midnight to 3 am. Besides realizing how much junk I've been keeping locked up in there, I kind of reminisced. Somewhere through the old class photos, letters and the memorabilia, I forgot what it was like live in time. It kinda felt like time-travelling, you know. Visiting the parts of my life, those moments that  meant the most. It felt beautiful to feel every single emotion and much more. I don't know if you are, dear friend, but (obviously) I sure am a very sentimental person. Every little thing, though it may not seem like much to average person, I hold close. Because, most of the time, they're all I have left to keep. Isn't it all way really have, memories?

  Two, I've bought books, all of Mr. John Green's four award-winning books (in box set!).
For that, I am ecstatic. I'm pretty sure you've figured it out by now, but I'm kind of a bookworm. I can finish a book in less that 12 hours if I'm really into it. There's something magical about stories and thoughts on paper. It's captivating. Maybe that's the reason I have a wide array of  books piled up on my shelf. Those writers, story-tellers, they're like long lost friends, my idols. It's as if they know me and know how to touch my emotions like no one I've ever known personally. They make me smile. Just like you, I guess... One day, I wish to be like them, a long lost friend to another, someone to be looked up to, but that's just a mere dream. In life, I'm pretty sure I'll be irrelevant to most, if not all, people. My biggest fear is something I know is to come for it is inevitable: to be forgotten.

  Third, movies! God knows how often I've made movie marathons this past month. I've watched X-men: First Class which was (if I do say so myself) fucking bad ass. Superhero movies always make me happy. I've watched almost all of them and, so far, I've added X-men to one of my all-time favorite superhero movies! (Lucas Till as Havok was kind of pleasant in the eyes, too... teenage girl speaking) The sequel even comes out next year. Thank you, Jesus! I've also watched Beastly (a beautiful rendition to the classic, 'Beauty and The Beast) and Taylor Lautner's Abduction which made me laugh, considering it was of the 'action-thriller' genre. I still founded it pretty cool though. And, I finally got around to watch The Host. As much as my brother made fun of me, calling it 'a suck-ish movie' (see: rottentomatoes.com), I found it a wonderful movie (Max Irons, aside). It was action pact and it gave me
goosebumps and always had me guessing. Though I agree that there wasn't much romance in the plot as it should have, it was still pretty decent. Unexpectedly, I found myself on Team Ian for the duration of the movie. For a sci-fi movie and all, I'd give it an awkward thumbs up. Anyways, I'm sorry for boring you with my movie critiques, dear friend.

  You know, one day, it would be pretty grand to take one such as yourself to my favorite places. I don't know. Just a thought. I'm kind of a wanderlust, you know. Wherever you are, I hope it has beaches, sunsets,   starry skies, wonderful bookstores and the most amazing cupcake shop. Tell me if it does, alright?

  Anyway,

 

Words of Love, Words Unsaid

#NowPlaying: Demons by Imagine Dragons

Dear Friend,

  Day two and three of review class. Woo hoo. Sarcastically speaking, I had a blast. Insert overly-sarcastic smile here. It's was only day two and I already miss staying home and doing nothing. Sweet Jesus, it's so much worse than school. To think that I'm stuck there for only 4 hours (half the hours of normal school). Ugh. It's excruciating. Of course, this is my whiny teenage side talking. I know that this is collage prep and everything, but... argh. I have a reason for hating review classes and no, it's not cause of teachers. Our teachers are actually really nice. Kinda. I just don't like most of the people there. By that I mean, the 'pretty boys'. Keep in mind, they're not actually pretty in real life. Seriously. They frustrate me.But fuck those bastards, I'm already stressed as it is.

  So, April 18th, dear friend. April 18th.

  Before I explain the bitter significance of that date, I thought I should tell you something first...

  You know how I was going on about the road to recovery? Well, all that is out of the window now.

Completely just flew out the window, yeah. When summer started, I thought for sure that these feeling would soon fade, disappear as quickly as I wanted them to do so. Those days I kept seeing him around, dear Lord, it was so painful. It was like watching a sad ending and not doing anything to stop it, not doing anything about it. Like watching your whole world deteriorate right before your eyes. I cannot even begin to fathom what life would turn out once he's gone. I maybe not have build my world around him (as I knew that this special kind of love was not meant to last forever, seeing as there is no forever) but if I we're to build a world, he would be the oceans-- taking up more than half of that world. But in reality, as the time will go by, he will turn into the skies-- for the in skies, though comparably unnoticeable to most, is where you would find  the most beautiful things in the world.

  Somehow, as I continued on with summer, I thought of the possibility that maybe these feelings weren't as deep in as I thought, a feeling that only sparks in the glory of physical presence. In other words, something I only feel when he is physically around. I was telling myself, "Hey, maybe it won't be so bad". I thought I was back to feeling fine. And, of course, I was dead-on wrong, as always.

  Then I heard about the 18th. That was Stephan's last day here. When I read about it, my heart which I thought back to whole again shattered once more. It got me thinking, "This is it huh?". This was the way it's gonna end? In life, we don't get the ending's we want. But we can't help but expect something when the great unexpected occurs. Because, when miracles happen, don't you expect them to end happily? Apparently, the world is the biggest fucker ever. It fucks everyone over. Seriously.But, there isn't much we can do. We just live through it, day by day. We all get by. Sigh. I guess I'll just wait for the 18th then. Exactly two weeks from now, the great love of my life will walk away like he did many times before. Except, this time, it's permanent

  Maybe, a few days before that, I'll write to you the actual letter I never got to send him. The words I never got to say in the letter I gave him. The words of love that probably wouldn't have meant a thing. But maybe, if I write them to you, you'd understand, and appreciate, and that it would mean something to at least somebody. Who knows...

  A wise man told me that you do not have to be loved to be able to love unconditionally.Unrequited love can stand the distance and time that most love can not. And that love itself is a decision. Love is keeping the promise anyway. And that love will always be love, even if it's not forever.

  I tend to live by those words.

Love Always
Yasmeen

On The Road To Recovery

#NowPlaying: Radioactive by Imagine Dragon

Dear Friend,

  It's been a long day, this one. It's official, the first day of review classes is now classified under the category of  "Suck-ish Days" among others in the archive of "The Forgettable Days of My Life". Technically, this blog is a compilation of both forgettable and unforgettable days; this day is just a fraction of the journey to happiness. There will be many of these suckish days and in the long run, I'd rather have them that way that any other.

  Today I was, for the first time, exposed to the many kinds of people in the world. Meaning: Other high school kids. Ones I don't know. Since I'm practically anti-social and I hate socialization, it was kind of a culture shock to me. It was pretty nervous because (a) people make me nervous and (b) the presence of guys makes everything all the more awkward and well, weird. You see, I'm kind of an awkward turtle and about as unattractive as a disemboweled llama. Okay, wait. That was a tad bit gruesome. Anyway, so you could just imagine how many times I was stuttering and flustered through the whole session.Ugh, I'm a loser.

  I don't want to bore you by telling you how we took diagnostic tests and had math class, cause that's bullshit. Main point of this all: guys. It's been a while since I had something to say about the male population since my heart and mind has been wrapped up on Stephan the since my belief in love was reborn (aka some time in September). To have lost him was probably one of the most painful goodbyes I had to go through. It left a scar that could only be concealed, yet it cuts deep and is deceiving. It's just like putting on a band aid on a stab wound that cut  into your bones. Sigh. But lately, I find myself back on the road to recovery. I know that life doesn't stop just because he's going away soon. It goes on and I have to learn to live without him. For the mean time at least...

  So for now, there isn't much I can say except that even though the boys from today are immensely frustrating, I find them the slightest bit amusing, which I haven't found with most other guys in my school. So kudos to you, pretty boys. Maybe, we'll actually get to talk to them in the days to come (though I stick by my bias that they may be snobs-- not a judgmental thing, a Yasmeen thing where every boy is a jerk until it is proven otherwise).  I do hope so cause, well, I need new friends. Cause people here suck.  Hah. We'll see. But, admittedly, I still feel bad for not being offered those chips. Sigh. It's a girl thing.

  Blah. I should get some sleep, I'm feeling sick right now.

Redesign and The Future of Young Love

#NowPlaying: Closer by Tegan and Sara

Dear Friend,

  I am in the midst of reinventing my life (if that is even possible). I'm trying to change things up and trying to find a way to not have such a boring life. Though, I've tried and fail many, many times. I guess, that's me. I'm always trying to find a way to make life much more fun-filled when in reality, eighty-plus percent of our isn't all that interesting at all. The other twenty or less percent are the everyday miracles, the live long memories or just the little things that make you say "Wow, I never knew life could be so great". There are very few of these moments, dear friend. So, we try to find a way to find more of them. Okay.

  I guess, I'm in the process of redesign. I pretty much hope back and forth to that process every once in a while, making little or, rarely, adequate progress. But, as they say, little progress is always better than no progress at all. I think the most I've gotten from this redesign phase is the ability to actually handle my emotions a lot better. By that, I mean trying not to break down in front of other people more often. Yeah. I wonder if you've ever gone through that process, dear friend. I really do wonder. Do you ever wish to change anything about yourself? Even if it were the little things?

  Sigh. Humans are so complex. One of the other things that continue to bewilder me is the concept of young love. Ah, love! It's vast and exciting and thrilling. Especially for the youth, it's easy to just jump in and call everything love. We're so eager that we claim to be in love without knowing what it really means. It's as if it becomes a priority, something we can live without. It's all... bullshit. I mean, really: You can't live without him/her. How can someone say that when they're like, what, fourteen - fifteen. It's crap. Don't get me wrong, I believe teenage love can last just like adult love can. But that's the thing, the key word is love. You can't just build your life around someone at this age.It doesn't give any room to grown. Being dependent on that so called love doesn't either. Sigh.

  Anger management. I wish those came in pills. Anyway, pardon me, but I've just been fed up with the teenage concept of love lately. There two kinds of teenage love: the one that lasts and the ones that claim to do so. I've seen both, but lately that latter is more abundant. I hate seeing how teenagers forget how to prioritize and at the same time, forgetting themselves as well. In love (from my understanding), you do not aim to please, to be accepted or to try hard to be someone you're not-- love is acceptance and the ability to grown in each other's company

  I see couples promising forever without really know how long forever really is. They promise a future without knowing what comes ahead. Future? There is often no future for young love. Though, admittedly, I'm one of those people who gush and rejoice over stories about high school sweethearts who have been married for like, over twenty years or so. But in those cases, they are the lucky ones. The ones who turn 'Young Love' into "Lasting Love'. They are very rare cases. You see, I am a believer, but also a realist.Young love is meant to be cherished. They make great memories and wonderful adventures. They're the things that when you look back years and years from now, I'll feel a smile creep on your face.

  I feel like an old person for ranting about teenagers when I am, in fact, a teenager myself. Ironic. But to cut this short, there's sooo much bullshit. Ugh. As for me, have I ever been in love? Yes, sure. But, I never assume a future. Never do I got and think, "Oh, hey, he'll be the only one I'll love forever. No one else" Never have. Because that's crap talk, ladies and gents. I believe that one can love someone forever and that that one person will always have a place in our heart. But, life goes on. And we learn to accept that that kind of love will be just that.

  But hey, what do I know, right? Damn, I feel like Summer Finn.

  I wish you luck, young lover, because I believe that we will all, someday, find that lasting love. Until then, let's be patient, alright? We will all have our time.

Love Always,
Yasmeen