A Series of What Ifs and What Could Have Been

#NowPlaying: Andare by Ludovico Einaudi  (the whole Divenire album, actually)

Dear Friend,

  Have you ever had those moments when you would just stare back at the ceiling, all alone, surrounded by deafening silence and wondered 'What If?' or 'What Could Have Been?'. I'm not one to live in the past, but sometimes I get to thinking. What could've happen if I had taken those chances? What would've happen if I hadn't done this or that? I'd never know, that's for sure. But sometimes, I just wish I had a time machine or something to fix those mistakes I've made. I know how people say not to regret the past for it is what made you who you are today. But maybe, I'm not content with the 'who I am today' part. Wouldn't it just be easier to know what happens next?

  I've been thinking a lot lately. The sentimental kind of thinking. And somehow, I find myself flashing back to people who have gone, people who have left and people who may leave. To be honest, I hate thinking about the past as well as the future. The past just fills you with unanswered question and the uneasy sadness of the unchangeable. Meanwhile, the future is filled with all kinds of uncertainty, doubt and not knowing if there will be a future at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have this fear. This fear of not knowing. A fear for the unknown. Some people live in the moment. I wish I was like those people.

  I guess I'm writing this because I really miss someone. That person left a pretty big scar behind. Thinking about that person... it's kind of painful. Our 'What Ifs' weigh heavily on my mind. But sometimes, I think it was better not to know. Someone once told me it was better not to know and just to see everything how it is. I'm trying to, trust me.

  It's been raining the whole week and the fact that I'm listening to sad, melancholic classical music doesn't help. Sigh. I kind of sucks to be lonely. And most of the time, it kind of sucks to have feelings. I'm the type of person who misses people who often don't miss me back. I'm sure there are tons of people like that in the world, too.

  I read a quote somewhere (it's in one of my old planners)  that you can't make a rainbow without a little rain Although very much true, I despise the fact that 'rain' is needed to make a 'rainbow'. But, I love the rain. And  ironically euphoric, it seems that I love sadness as well. That last one sounded sadistic or masochistic in a way, but there really is something beautiful in sadness. I mean, if it wasn't, why did all those great artist paint about it?

  Whatever. All I can say is that I will be forever stuck wondering. This is gonna bother me forever.

Love Always,
Yasmeen

PS: I changed the look a bit, I hope you don't mind. Kind of suits the rainy weather here, don't you think?