Dear Friend,
This last weekend was spent watching romance movies, reviving for a long case of 'artist's block', dealing with frustrating school projects and importing a lot more indie music onto my iTunes library. It sounds kind of boring, right? Well, it was. But I realized something after watching this movie which, ironically, reminded me of some aspects of my own story. Admittedly, that movie made me tear up a little bit (okay, a lotta bit). Maybe it's because it made me hopeful that one day, I'd have my own happy ending as well. I'm not sure if I will get that happy ending. But at least, for now, I got the'happy' part down.... Let me explain.
Last year was really though for me. I made so many mistakes, got hurt over and over again, cried tears that could fill ocean and almost gave up on, well, everything. I was a mess. I found myself wishing for happiness, almost assured that it would never come my way. I wish I could tell my old self to have a little faith. And that those dark day will soon pass. Because I can honestly say, my life has turned around...a lot faster than I had expected...
There comes a time when someone comes into your life and changes you forever. I'd like to believe that I've actually found that person. It took me sometime to realize, but he was there all along. I guess, I just wasn't looking in the right direction. They say love can change a person monumentally, that once you've experience that special kind of love, you see things in a whole different light . And I have reason to believe that I, in fact, have been changed. This is the first time I felt so...happy.
Some part of me feels silly for saying all these things. I knew, of course, that all my feelings were one-sided. And that speaking when you're too happy (or angry) isn't really a good idea. But this time, I'll give myself a break. In a few weeks, I know somehow I'll feel the opposite of how I do now. The aching pain of parting ways. It's not like I didn't expect this though, I knew it from the very start: what I got myself into..
I wish I could go back in time and take pictures of all the beautiful (and maybe, even the not so beautiful) moments in my life, keep them in a box and preserve them forever.That box would be filled with so many memorable photos:
Like those days in middle school where me and my friends would climb up to the 4th floor of the school building just to hang out, enjoy the breeze and check up on a certain half-French, talented boy who would spend his days sleeping in History class. A lot of memories were spent on that 4th floor, both good and bad. But when I myself graduate, that would be one of the places I would visit before I leave...just to relive the moments.
Also, my first year in high school. You know how when you enter high school, you tend to feel so grown up? I once felt that way, but I didn't take long before I realized that there is still a long road ahead. And these years will pass by, they too will come to an end. Just like seasons changing. But as much as we've all said the famous line, "High school sucks!", I know that one day there will come a time where I will find myself saying: "I wish I could go back to high school...". I can't say high school was the best years in my life, but it sure was the most memorable so far. It kind of just... made me into a better person.
That day in July of 2011 as well. That day when I came so close to telling a friend of mine how I felt about him. I've liked him for so long, and even now, sometimes I still find myself smiling from seeing him. I've always wondered what would happen if I did tell him. But I'm pretty glad I didn't. Because our friendship mattered more to me, and things were better this way.I learned to value friendships a lot more and how to sacrifice my happiness for others. Though, I can say I might have been sacrificing too much of my happiness (thus, I am often called 'too nice'. And for some reason, I still somehow find it as a compliment. But it's not)
One of the most important events in my life thus far would have to be falling in love with Raf. Playing secret admirer was probably one of the funnest things I've done. And I'm pretty sure he now has diabetes from all the chocolate I've given him. Trust me, it was a lot. I did really love Raf. He was one of the few people I've ever truly loved. Though, this story didn't end well. And it also took the most time to heal. But even if I did get hurt badly and I had given up on the thought of ever loving again, loving him taught me something. I learned that happy endings don't always come the way you expect them to. Sometimes you have go through pain to feel joy... and that good things come to those who wait.
Now I'm here. And for the first time, I can assuredly say that I am happy. Even if I know this isn't going to last long, but that's why I'll savor the moment. When he leaves, I'll miss him. More than I could ever imagine. But that's okay, because I'll always remember. When I think of him, I am reminded of what happiness feels like. Who knows? Maybe one day, someone could live up to the happiness he brings. Just maybe...
Love Always,
Yasmeen
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