Dear Friend,
I don't really know what to say. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life. All I've been doing is listening to sad love songs and taking out my sadness through art. This sucks for me because I might have lost the art I've been working on this week. Trust me, when it's about art, then it's a big deal because my life practically revolves around art, in all it's forms.But instead of dousing myself with alcohol like I usually do when I am frustrated, angry or lonely (which I am now), I'm just going to pour my heart writing to you. Because you listen, and you understand and you're you.
Sometimes I wonder if I still remember what love feels like. Saying it sound ridiculous after talking about love and happiness and all that shit those past times. It's just, I don't know. Why is it so hard to feel something for someone? Why does it have to be so... lonely? Unrequited love is never easy. So why do I choose to put up with it instead of walking away like it never happened? It would be so much better for me. I hate this feeling of falling in love with someone. I know I might regret saying this, but I wish I had fallen in love with a different person. But then it wouldn't be love, because it isn't him. It just wouldn't be the same.
When I think of him, I think of happiness. The kind of happiness that makes you feel infinite and alive. When I feel lonely, I think of his smile, his laugh. And suddenly, I don't feel so lonely anymore.When I feel lost and alone, I remember the feeling of holding his hand, not wanting to let go. And that makes everything okay again. He's the reason for all these smiles, the reason why I still have an ounce of hope in me.That's why I hate him. I hate that it had to be him who makes me feel all these things, this kind of happiness. I hate that he's the last thing I think of at night before going to bed. I hate that my favorite star in the sky is named after him. I hate that I can't think of love the same way again. I hate that I can't stand to lose him even if I know I will. I hate him. Because he doesn't know and it doesn't matter to him. I'll always be that shy girl who could barely look at him, who tries to avoid him but fails, who he was forced to dance with, and who was hopelessly crushing on him.
But he'll always be that boy who showed me what happiness was, the kind worth waiting for. He'll always be that boy who makes me smile just by seeing him, who makes me laugh with his adorable accent and facial expressions and his way beyond hilariously adorable Instagram posts (erm, hashtag). He's the boy that would look perfect in my eyes no matter what and whose hipster attitude just made me love him more. He's that boy that fills me with butterflies just by hearing his name, who makes my heart skip a beat when he walks by. There will always be that special thing that separates him from the others whom I claimed to love. Maybe that 'special thing' is that I actually feel the foreverness of love with him, that my love for him will never change. Not that I'm saying that he'll be the only person I'll ever love this way. But he is and always will be the boy with the beautiful smile, he will always have a special place in my heart that only he can claim. He will always be infinite.Someday, I know I'll find somebody else. But when I look back, twenty or even fifty years from now, I'll still remember him. I'll smile and maybe even shed a tear and probably wonder where he is, if he's doing fine. I'll imagine what he looks like, if he still loves the same things he did before. I'll remember every single memory hidden away in my own treasure box, from that time I first saw him to to the time I say goodbye. And I know I'll think to myself a thousand times if I've ever crossed his mind, even just for a second. And I won't have regrets or wonder why I ever fell in love with him. Because I know. I know every single reason why I fell for him, even down to the smallest thing. I would always remember. Because he is love and he is happiness... He. Is. Forever.
My forever. My miracle.
"Our love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I can feel it..." - A Walk to Remember
Love Always,
Yasmeen
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