Dear Friend,
This might be it for me. I've spent the past four weeks talking about love. Oh, how in deeply in love I am. But now, it's starting to feel useless. Now that I think about it, everything I've done has been completely useless. I guess I was just to caught up in the moment to see how stupid I've been. Who was I to ever expect that I was anything more than a fool? I'm nothing.
It's sad. Because after a week of trying, I finally was able to plant that gift for him. Not that he knows, but I secretly hope he did. I secretly hope he thought of me, even in the slightest. But now it's becoming clear to me that nothings will ever change. I'm still this loser. That no matter how much I believe that the love I feel for him had changed me, had made me into a much better person in a much better place-- nothing has really changed. Now the walls of delusion I built are crumbling down, and I finally see myself for what I really am. I'm still the old me: emotionally-unwell, problematic and unstable me.
I can't believe I even thought, for a second, that I could actually mean something to somebody, to him, moreover. How could I ever believe that maybe, for once, someone could see me in a new light? Something much more than that simple nobody. There we were in a picture put together, side by side. It hit me that trying to reach out to someone as perfects as him is like reaching out to the highest star in the sky-- it's idiotic. I pale, almost fade, in comparison. Just merely standing beside him makes me feels so small and insignificant. That's because I am. I always will be.
I'm sorry, dear friend. Because, I might...have to let him slip away. Slowly and without a sound, like a peaceful death. A painless death. I'd have to let him go without saying a word. It won't be painless, but it's for the best. I won't be allowed to cry, or to mourn, or to feel sad. Because I don't have the right to. There was never anything to be sad about. There was never anything but a silly dream.
I won't say goodbye.
Because what would I have to say for myself? What is there left to tell him? He doesn't need me to tell him. I don't need to tell him that he's actually very special to someone. Someone actually cares. Or that he's the reason I manage to smile everyday when I think of him, or that he's the only one who could cheer me up on a cloudy day. He doesn't need to hear that he's the reason I still believe in hopes and dreams, that love is real and not just some fiction as I made it out to be. He doesn't need that. He doesn't need to know that because of him, I've come to know happiness, real and lasting happiness. He doesn't need to know that I wish the best for him in every way, that I'd spend everyday wondering if he's out there, if he's doing well. and that I'll miss him more each day. Because no one, in all my life, has made me feel and learn so much, . And in such a short period of time. He won't ever know how much he had changed me. He doesn't need to know that I'm thankful, so thankful that he ever came across my life.He won't need to know how hard this is for me, the just walk away like nothing happened. Most of all, he doesn't need to know that I really do love him...that life wouldn't have ever been the same if he hadn't came.Because what will he say then? "Oh geez, thanks. That's really nice of you". Or more realistically, he'll just walk away and not say a word. Yeah.
Maybe, I was just kidding myself that maybe he did, at the lowest degree, want me to say goodbye, or say something. But I've woken up from that dream. It's game over. Maybe, I'll just forget everything happened. After all, it never really did right?
I'll forget who he is, what his name is, and he was ever a part of my life. I'll forget why I used to walk by that specific street and wonder why that specific star in the sky means so much to me. I'll forget how I spent February 14th, and try hard to remember what made Prom night so special-- but I won't be able to. I won't remember why this blog was written, or to whom it was written about. It will be a blur. I'll act like none of this was ever anything, because it was never anything in the first place. I guess, I'll completely be oblivious to the thought of love and happiness, and all that's left of me will be like a puzzle, with it's pieces forever lost in time.
I'm so deeply sorry to have disappointed you, dear friend. I know, I've probably wasted all your time with something I could never do. I guess, I'm not as brave as I thought I could be.
What do you think? A penny for your thoughts, please?
Love Always,
Yasmeen
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