Dear Friend,
I know it's been a while since I last wrote to you. So far, this is the longest I've gone. It was a bit unfair of me, choosing to be selfish and trying to forget all that's happened within these past two weeks. Maybe, you've lost all confidence in me and sometimes I doubt you're still reading these letters, but okay. I don't really know where to begin, or what to say but here goes nothing. I owe you this much.
Our goodbye was nothing short of awkward. It was the kind of awkward that hurts because you know it shouldn't have been that awkward. It was painful, very painful, to see it end that way. No special words, nothing to hold on to-- just him choosing to walk away without giving me proper closure.Sure, there was the usual 'thank you' and that 'see you later', but at that time, after everything, that just doesn't cut it. Dear friend, Stephan is not a boy with many words, or many actions either. But, there isn't anything I would've given for him to at least say something worth while in that short moment. I needed him to say or do something before he walked away. But, I guess he didn't care enough to do so. Though, I understand the circumstances he (or we) we're under, I couldn't blame him for being so restricted at that point. But dear God, didn't he even think of doing something, anything?! He just walked away, as if it didn't tear me to pieces! Sigh. Inhale. Exhale.
So after that, I cried for more than four hours. And he (maybe) even caught a glimpse of me, when he passed by. But, of course, none of that mattered to him. I went home that night and listened to Asleep until both my tears and the music, indeed, put me to sleep. The rest of that week, it rained hard everyday-- until we saw each other again...
It was a Monday. Technically, I wasn't supposed to be out that day, seeing as classes were over. But being at home did me not good. So, I had lunch in McDonald's and eventually found my way to school to visit my guidance counselor. I told her everything, as I do with when anything of mildly important happens in my life. That's when I saw him. As I was sitting there in the guidance office, he passed by and saw me. I saw him. We saw each other. You know how you feel as if time had stopped and your emotions were bursting through your chest and the words just couldn't escape you? You probably don't, but that's how I felt. Moments after, I had to go, and as I was leaving I saw him standing by the same brick wall when I first saw him. But I couldn't bare to look at him or even let him know that I know he was there. Because acknowledging his presence is to know and to remember, and that was exactly the opposite of what I had been trying to do. So instead, I walked away. Not that he would feel the same way as I did when he walked away from me.The next day, I saw him again. Although, I wish I didn't. Half-wished, in all honesty. And then, I did my best to ignore him even if my probably over-assuming teenage mind caught him (maybe) staring in my direction for more than seven times. And in the end, no progress what so ever. Oh how there were so many chances for him to say something, but he didn't. I knew he wouldn't, but of course, yet again, I was half-hoping. Maybe it's time for me to just stop chasing the stars and face the fact that I will forever live in earthly ridicule for I am but a lowly human, nothing more. And certainly not enough for the stars. Stephan, the boy I claim to love, is now living amidst those very stars, as he should.
Note to self: Reading "The Fault In Our Stars" doesn't do me good. But neither does any other life-changing book that makes me realize that life is more complex than what I make it our to be in my already messed up state of mind. But I love it anyway, and I love complexity. For that same reason, is why I love Stephan.Okay, that was uncalled for. I'll stop now.
Bye.
Love Always,
Yasmeen
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