In My Life: The Confession

NowPlaying: The Fog by Kara's Flowers

Dear Friend

   Be forewarned. What I'm about to share with you is something very personal. I hope you won't judge or think of me as an awful person (because I already know I am) and I hope that you'll still be here after all of this. I really need a friend right now.

  I know you probably already know a lot about me, seeing as I write to you frequently. Things seem to be looking up, you'd think. Well, I'm far from okay. I can't ever remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I know I told you being around Stephan made me happy. And it did. But I was that kind of happiness that would only last momentarily. I was bit unfair to Stephan, I guess. And I'll tell you why in just a bit.

  Let me be frank and tell you this: I've been struggling with depression for the last four years.I know you'd probably heard this from a lot of other people, but depression is way scarier than it sounds. It's not something that just comes and goes, it's like a long winding dark tunnel. It's frightening and lonely and you're constantly wanting to find a way out. But never do...

  As for me, I guess I have a couple of reasons why I'm pretty fucked up. I know other people have greater reasons, but depression is depression. In reality, even if someone had worse problems than you ultimately won't change the way you feel about your life. That kind of shit rarely happens in real life. You just continue to feel bad about yourself.

  Today was a rough day. But rough days occur quite a lot in my life. I just told my mom that I was depressed and that I had been for a really long time. It was hard and my eyes were swollen from crying, but I was able to. I told her about how I self-harmed a lot and she told we she was scared. To tell the truth, I am too. But yeah. She told me she wanted me to see a psychologist. Let me tell you, that's probably the last thing you'd want to hear from your parents. So, I told her how much I hated everything (to some extent) and  how I was pretty good at hiding my feelings so people don't know when something's wrong with me. Woot.

  I stopped cutting last February. That was when Stephan happened.Two months of no cuts or bruises. It felt nice to feel happy for once. But as I said, I was a bit unfair to him. I kind of used him as a temporary escape to my problems. That was selfish of me. I'm really happy I met him. I mean. Temporary happiness is better than no happiness right?

  I'd go through the many reasons why I'm depressed but that would take too long. But for convenience's sake, I'll put three. A traumatic childhood. Never being good enough. And being absolutely insignificant.

  I know, everything I just wrote is a bit vague and hard to understand but I'm tired and messed up and tired. Goodnight.

Love Always,
Yasmeen